It's Hell!
I've adapted to this new life. I've accepted that he is gone and not coming back. I do my best to take care of the house and the kid and the yard and the cars and I can't do any better than that, except ask for help ( which I do).
I've done well. I can see that. My friends can see that. What we can't see is what churns underneath. The perfect storm is brewing. It makes me restless. It wakes me up in the middle of the night or early morning. It brings me to tears at work and the store and church. It takes my will to live and sucks the breath right out of me. It is misery, suffering and normalcy. This normalcy has gone on too long. I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss him fixing me when I'm broken.
Satan has stepped in his place. This is hell. Isn't this how hell is described? Constant suffering, wailing and mourning.
I was sleeping peacefully but that Has been taken away. Back to autopilot during the day, dark circles and slouching because I don't have the energy to sit up straight.
Several people have told me that I'm strong. Stronger than he was. That he couldn't have done what I've done. What they don't see is the searing pain, the loneliness, the fear, the lack of self confidence, the tears that emerge when I lie in bed, the struggle to want to live it, and the struggle to make decisions.
Yes, this is certainly hell... More widows / widowers will be born. I used to think as a Christian that my role was to save people from hell. Let them know about our Savior. There is no way to save them from this. It is hell. All I can do is provide for people in need. It just doesn't seem like enough.
Another day.... Good morning. Drinking coffee alone. Facing the world alone. I mean, facing hell alone.
I am ok, just melancholy.
(March 24, 2013 I became a poet, a writer and sufferer. )
I've done well. I can see that. My friends can see that. What we can't see is what churns underneath. The perfect storm is brewing. It makes me restless. It wakes me up in the middle of the night or early morning. It brings me to tears at work and the store and church. It takes my will to live and sucks the breath right out of me. It is misery, suffering and normalcy. This normalcy has gone on too long. I miss him. I miss my partner. I miss him fixing me when I'm broken.
Satan has stepped in his place. This is hell. Isn't this how hell is described? Constant suffering, wailing and mourning.
I was sleeping peacefully but that Has been taken away. Back to autopilot during the day, dark circles and slouching because I don't have the energy to sit up straight.
Several people have told me that I'm strong. Stronger than he was. That he couldn't have done what I've done. What they don't see is the searing pain, the loneliness, the fear, the lack of self confidence, the tears that emerge when I lie in bed, the struggle to want to live it, and the struggle to make decisions.
Yes, this is certainly hell... More widows / widowers will be born. I used to think as a Christian that my role was to save people from hell. Let them know about our Savior. There is no way to save them from this. It is hell. All I can do is provide for people in need. It just doesn't seem like enough.
Another day.... Good morning. Drinking coffee alone. Facing the world alone. I mean, facing hell alone.
I am ok, just melancholy.
(March 24, 2013 I became a poet, a writer and sufferer. )
Replies
Mel--I think this journal entry speaks to many of us on in this group. Life without our spouse is hell on earth. I think you said it perfectly! I am sorry that this today was a tough day for you....but I get it. I pretty much dislike the term \"Normal\"...there is no normal right now...no normal since June 22...March 24 for you. We are trying to find what the new normal looks like...but we don\'t want the new normal...we want our hubbys (and wives) back. I am here if you need to email/vent/etc. God bless.