it's hard to see through the negativity

I woke up feeling ok today, which is good. I definitely feel better than I was feeling a few days ago.
Part of what makes depression so hard is that the depression clouds your perspective. You can't tell from one day or week to the next whether or not you're really doing any better. The cloud that hangs over you tells you otherwise. I'm lucky that my fiance is so supportive and talks me through things more or less every day. He is able to pick up on things that I don't notice: I've been talking more to him, I'm talking less about the negative voices that cloud my moods, I'm doing things that are funny again.
So I'll tuck those bits of positivity away for when I'm feeling down again and try to remember that it seems, to him at least, like I'm getting a little better. Hopefully I'll start to believe that I'm getting better and use that belief to fuel me forward.
I'm just cautious since every day still seems so hard. But I have to admit, some days have been less hard and that is definitely something.
I still wake up with a slight sense of dread at what the day ahead holds. I'm not sure if I can make it through ok, but then I do. I hope that I'm not stuck, but try to push out the worry of things I cannot control. 
It's been really hard to go for walks lately. I think it's a combination of the awful weather and the fact that it gets dark so early. That and the fact that I wasn't feeling very good overall the middle of this week. I'm nervous about the walk we're going to take today. I hope I feel up to it and that I can get through it. I feel like I've been slipping backward in that regard. I'm lucky I have someone to literally take me by the hand and walk me through.

Replies

Chrissy555
Chrissy555

I am just amazed at how well you are doing.

It was a long time before I even believed I was depressed, instead of lazy.....whatever.......as if my life had just taken a wrong turn and I was unable or unwilling to find the way back.

You at least acknowledge the illness. And view the negativity as a falsehood, instead of hooking into it as real, as I did. And your fiance really helps mirror your reality.

That is progress in itself.

Depression is like walking over a trap door, and not seeing it until we have fallen through. And the condition is so overwhelming, that it is a trauma in itself.

I understand that depression is a dis-ease of self-esteem, trauma, etc.......but more should be written about the struggle each of us goes through on a daily basis just trying to figure out which thoughts to grab onto to, and which to discard.

We are trying to create a new reality, a new normal, and the disease robs us of even remembering what \"normal\" energy levels felt like. And when we are building a new reality on a firmer foundation, instead of old trauma, we are in brand new territory, No wonder we question our every action/reaction.

That questioning completely depleated my energy reserves. Unlike the man in your life, my family of origin (I am single) has been very hard on me........and that served to fuel the negative things I said to myself. If they had been able to be a proper support system, I would have rebounded much, much faster.

So good for you..........and three cheers for him.

Love, Chris
depressiontini
depressiontini

Thanks so much Chris, as always, for your support and understanding. And I am very lucky to have my fiance. I am thankful every day and hope every day that I can be better for him...as well as me.

I\'m sorry your family wasn\'t supportive. My sister is, but has her own family to deal with and my brother, well, he\'s my younger brother so he tends to do the leaning on me. My father and I don\'t have a good relationship and my mother tries but does not understand depression as a disease though all three of us suffer from it. So, yes, I am quite lucky to have a daily support.

Cheers to you for getting as far as you have without the kind of support I have. I think it\'s amazing. And so are you!