It's got to be One Thing OR Another....

I've been thinking lately that his behavior has to be either of two things. Either he's been throwing full-blown raging fits towards me to get me to tell him to leave, or he simply has absolutely no control over when his rage explodes since he's not taking any medication at all for his bi-polar disorder. 

I don't think there's a grey area to this situation. At least there's none that I can see at this time. 

So this leaves me with a lose - lose predicament. You may want to scream at me... " Why don't you simply tell him to leave ?! " 

Well, with my financial situation it's simply not that simple. Without his income how would I survive ? Before facing the prospect of my rent being raised - again; I may have said, " Sure ! I'll do that right away ! " 

But when you're already struggling with a below poverty level fixed income from Social Security Disability, you're not left with many choices, if any at all. 

This past late Friday night - into very very early Saturday morning - 3 / 23 - 3 / 24, he threw a full-blown raging fit that made me fear for my life - literally ! I was shaking - sitting in my wheelchair - keeping at eye on exactly where he was every moment, as he kept throwing hard objects at me with the purpose of trying to physically hurt me ! A couple of the objects did hit me hard, and I couldn't help screaming. Of course my cries, and screams, only made him even angrier, and he rushed at me with his fists balled up threatening to hit me over and over again with them ! All I could do is cower and scream at him to " STOP ! Don't touch me ! "... over and over ! Finally after what felt like an eternity, he backed off and walked out the door ... supposedly to go for a walk to cool down. But that didn't work very well at all because Friday night / early Saturday morning was cold. So he turned around, and came right back saying that there's no way he's doing that because it's too cold ! 

So unfortunately due to the cold temps at that time, I had to deal with him still yelling cruel things at me, and slaming things around the apartment, until he truly calmed down. Once he calmed down he went in the bedroom and slammed the bedroom door. I was very thankful for that ! I had just wished that it would have happened a heck of a lot sooner !

Later on... You would think that eventually he would apologize for his behavior, but oh no ! ... That never happened ! The closest thing to an apology that happened was that he started suddenly doing a lot of house cleaning.

Now it's already Sunday morning..... he still didn't apology for that incident. Do I think he ever will ? I don't think so.

In his mind... why should he apologize for something he feels was MY FAULT ?! Of course this is a very childish way of looking at it, but I don't dare tell him that.

I barely recall what started his raging fit, but I think it was something to do with the racing video game he was playing at that time.

He was in the middle of playing one of his favorite racing games, and I came into the room.

I was as quiet as I could possibly be - in fact I think the whole issue was that I was in the kitchen sitting very still, patiently waiting for the right time to finish what I wanted to do in there before coming over to my recliner chair. According to him, my sitting there like that was a " distraction ", and it caused him to lose his race !

What a bunch of bologna !!!!!!!

If he was truly concentrating on the game then my sitting still in the kitchen couldn't have possibly had a damn thing to do with his game performance !

But it's all part of how he is.... EVERYTHING THAT EVER GOES WRONG IS NEVER HIS FAULT.... IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT... OR SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT !!!! ...

It must be nice to be " Mr. Perfect " like that all of the time.