It's getting there
It's amazing how much room angst takes in out lives. And by angst I mean anything that isn't pleasant. It's an all encompassing term. Once I let it out- all the anger I've been holding in for Steve and the fact that he cancels plans at a whim and doesn't call when he says he's going to- I realized some things.
1. He might love me.
I said in my last journal entry- I wish he loved me. But the truth is- he might. Love was never what was missing between me and Steve. I swear on the day we broke up I loved him just as much as I ever did. We just couldn't make it happen. He did so much to try to show me he loved me. He did almost whatever I said. But he came from a very broken home- just like me. He learned at an early age that if he didn't show emotion then nothing could hurt him. I'm not saying that's true- I'm just saying that's been his mentality for forever. He was a very quiet person and quiet just wasnt something I could deal with. I knew it only came sporadically so I thought that I was the reason for it and no matter what he tried to do to convince me otherwise- once I've got something in my head- its damn hard to convince me otherwise.
The truth is, underneath Steve and I have always been the same. He comes from a whole line of irresponsible drunks and addicts- so do I. The difference is- the addicts in his family weren't abusive- not in the manner my family was- neglect could be argued- but they didn't tell him he wasn't shit his entire life. For me- the addicts/alcoholics in my fam were more responsible then in his- and way more abusive and mean. In my fam there were less vodka in the coffee alcoholics- they were a functional bunch- they all made money- well they used to anyway. Eventually alsoholism takes everything that is good. He's like the light of his family. He's gone the farthest, accomplished the most. They look at him like he's a pillar of strength. But the underlying feeling that there's something wrong with you that comes from growing up in a family of addicts and alcoholics is something we shared.
What i really meant to say was "I wish I felt loved by him." Even when we were together I didn't always feel love from him. The way he would randomly turn off his emotions when shit was bad was the same as my dad. He just assumes that everyone knows how he feels so he feels no need to show his emotions to people. he comes from a line of escapists- just like me. I blamed him, the way I blamed every man that couldn't fix my life, for the things he did that reminded me of my dad. At the time I was still with him I was still being abused by my father. In fact- that abuse might have slowed down over the years but it was still happening up until very recently when I made up my mind that I wasn't going to let him suck my joy anymore.
The truth is that even if he sat before me and professed his undying love I would still need more. I would need for him to show it. The difference is- when he did the hot/cold thing now I would be able to matter of factly say that it reminds me of my childhood and makes me doubt myself. Maybe that would make sense to him and he wouldn't do it anymore- maybe not, but I don't actually know. I know that there was a huge valley between how he acted and the level at which I reacted. My reaction was due to the incredible amount of pain I was forced to ignore living with my father. I was forced to act like everything was great- someone had to catch my aggression- that person was steve.
When we were the most in love he didn't shut his emotions off as much. Maybe we would still end up breaking up- but I want to try again. I really do. If he wanted to try again also I'd go for it. But in between is just not an option. One way or the next- I have to have my feet planted firmly on the ground and I need to know where I'm standing. That's what I really need. I need it in my life for myself. When I'm alone I feel it already. it's when I let other people in that shit gets messy and I start to make them the answer to my life- or lack there of and I attach to them all the fucking blame or praise that goes alone with either disposition. I don't know if being with him would be the right thing. But I know that the only reason I was ever sure it was a bad thing was b/c I let my pride convince me.
Seeing him, sitting accross from him every bit of me wanted to jump the desk and just hold him. All the pride went out the window like it always does when I see him. he hugged me so tight and made me feel so safe. Fuck. This sucks. Actually it hurts and maybe the hurt is something I need to go through.
I think its time to put my money where my mouth is. I really do believe everything is happening for a reason. So- my prayer is this- Please God allow me to see, and never lose sight of, what I'm meant to see. Allow me to understand in the same manner. And please grant me the serenity to accept it if Steve doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason and understand that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to control his emotions or anyone's for that matter. Allow me the courage to move forward- to change the things I can in my life and the undying wisdom of knowing the difference between the two.
I just realized something. I said goodbye to him in that letter. I broke it off with him. I broke off whatever the fuck it was that we were- it damn sure wasn't a relationship. What we were was in between. He kept me there for years. That letter wasn't rejecting him- it was rejecting that. I don't know if he discerns the difference. But I know I want a man who does and I don't want someone who thinks that keeping me in between is acceptable. It isn't. Originally I planned to tell him everything I did while sitting on his lap. That was the plan. But as always- he said he would call and didn't. That's what the fuck he does. B/c other people in his life are easy. Easy is something I've never been. To be honest- I don't knnow if I could face drama in my life right now either. I don't care to and if he is drama then I dont want him even if he wants me.
Whatever it is, it is and whatever it will be, will be. I can't change it. I'm not going to allow myself to ponder forever right now. If he's meant to be with me we will be together. If he isn't then I will mourn him for as long as it takes and I will finally move on. But no matter what- no in between anymore.
1. He might love me.
I said in my last journal entry- I wish he loved me. But the truth is- he might. Love was never what was missing between me and Steve. I swear on the day we broke up I loved him just as much as I ever did. We just couldn't make it happen. He did so much to try to show me he loved me. He did almost whatever I said. But he came from a very broken home- just like me. He learned at an early age that if he didn't show emotion then nothing could hurt him. I'm not saying that's true- I'm just saying that's been his mentality for forever. He was a very quiet person and quiet just wasnt something I could deal with. I knew it only came sporadically so I thought that I was the reason for it and no matter what he tried to do to convince me otherwise- once I've got something in my head- its damn hard to convince me otherwise.
The truth is, underneath Steve and I have always been the same. He comes from a whole line of irresponsible drunks and addicts- so do I. The difference is- the addicts in his family weren't abusive- not in the manner my family was- neglect could be argued- but they didn't tell him he wasn't shit his entire life. For me- the addicts/alcoholics in my fam were more responsible then in his- and way more abusive and mean. In my fam there were less vodka in the coffee alcoholics- they were a functional bunch- they all made money- well they used to anyway. Eventually alsoholism takes everything that is good. He's like the light of his family. He's gone the farthest, accomplished the most. They look at him like he's a pillar of strength. But the underlying feeling that there's something wrong with you that comes from growing up in a family of addicts and alcoholics is something we shared.
What i really meant to say was "I wish I felt loved by him." Even when we were together I didn't always feel love from him. The way he would randomly turn off his emotions when shit was bad was the same as my dad. He just assumes that everyone knows how he feels so he feels no need to show his emotions to people. he comes from a line of escapists- just like me. I blamed him, the way I blamed every man that couldn't fix my life, for the things he did that reminded me of my dad. At the time I was still with him I was still being abused by my father. In fact- that abuse might have slowed down over the years but it was still happening up until very recently when I made up my mind that I wasn't going to let him suck my joy anymore.
The truth is that even if he sat before me and professed his undying love I would still need more. I would need for him to show it. The difference is- when he did the hot/cold thing now I would be able to matter of factly say that it reminds me of my childhood and makes me doubt myself. Maybe that would make sense to him and he wouldn't do it anymore- maybe not, but I don't actually know. I know that there was a huge valley between how he acted and the level at which I reacted. My reaction was due to the incredible amount of pain I was forced to ignore living with my father. I was forced to act like everything was great- someone had to catch my aggression- that person was steve.
When we were the most in love he didn't shut his emotions off as much. Maybe we would still end up breaking up- but I want to try again. I really do. If he wanted to try again also I'd go for it. But in between is just not an option. One way or the next- I have to have my feet planted firmly on the ground and I need to know where I'm standing. That's what I really need. I need it in my life for myself. When I'm alone I feel it already. it's when I let other people in that shit gets messy and I start to make them the answer to my life- or lack there of and I attach to them all the fucking blame or praise that goes alone with either disposition. I don't know if being with him would be the right thing. But I know that the only reason I was ever sure it was a bad thing was b/c I let my pride convince me.
Seeing him, sitting accross from him every bit of me wanted to jump the desk and just hold him. All the pride went out the window like it always does when I see him. he hugged me so tight and made me feel so safe. Fuck. This sucks. Actually it hurts and maybe the hurt is something I need to go through.
I think its time to put my money where my mouth is. I really do believe everything is happening for a reason. So- my prayer is this- Please God allow me to see, and never lose sight of, what I'm meant to see. Allow me to understand in the same manner. And please grant me the serenity to accept it if Steve doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason and understand that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to control his emotions or anyone's for that matter. Allow me the courage to move forward- to change the things I can in my life and the undying wisdom of knowing the difference between the two.
I just realized something. I said goodbye to him in that letter. I broke it off with him. I broke off whatever the fuck it was that we were- it damn sure wasn't a relationship. What we were was in between. He kept me there for years. That letter wasn't rejecting him- it was rejecting that. I don't know if he discerns the difference. But I know I want a man who does and I don't want someone who thinks that keeping me in between is acceptable. It isn't. Originally I planned to tell him everything I did while sitting on his lap. That was the plan. But as always- he said he would call and didn't. That's what the fuck he does. B/c other people in his life are easy. Easy is something I've never been. To be honest- I don't knnow if I could face drama in my life right now either. I don't care to and if he is drama then I dont want him even if he wants me.
Whatever it is, it is and whatever it will be, will be. I can't change it. I'm not going to allow myself to ponder forever right now. If he's meant to be with me we will be together. If he isn't then I will mourn him for as long as it takes and I will finally move on. But no matter what- no in between anymore.
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