It’s been another week

So, I’ve been avoiding this website so that I could give myself some time and space away from dwelling on what is going on with me. I am still experiencing these symptoms and I now I feel like it is time to write another journal post about it for reference for when I go to the doctor.

I still have this single swollen node in my neck. It does not seem to get smaller or bigger, but it has been two weeks since I first noticed it. The pain in my neck is still there, and I’m sure the node is related to this pain. The pain also has not gotten any better nor has it gotten any worse.

My depression is still hanging over my head like a looming cloud, and I just haven’t been able to pick myself up out of it.

This past week I have been trying with all my might to stay active and in the presence of my friends and my fiancé.

I made sure to do at lease one moderate exercise outside daily (except for the past two days in which it has rained).

I have also been making sure to try and stay productive with my business and make sure I get at least a few tasks completed each day.

I have been pushing through all of my fatigue, but today I gave in. Yesterday I was not very productive, but I still stayed in my office and at least attempted to get work done. Today, however, I woke up late and then went to work on some business tasks, but I got distracted and only completed two tasks before I decided it was to to make lunch.

Then, I went back to work and only piddled around for about two more hours before I decided to take a nap because I had been feeling pretty negative and needed to give my mind a break from all of the thinking I had been doing.

I planned on only taking a short 30 minute nap to rejuvenate and calm myself. However, I woke up those 30 minutes later feeling HORRIBLE, and I just could NOT convince myself to get out of the bed. I ended up staying in bed until 6:30pm.

When I got up, it was time for dinner. My fiancé cooked and it was good. I cleaned the dishes and seasoned the cast iron skillet.

Going through the motions definitely helps keep my mind off of things, but I end up coming back to the same conclusions about my current state of wellness.

You see, I got a new phone the other day (the new iPhone XS Max, yippee), and along with this new phone I downloaded whole load of new applications on it. One of them was a symptom checker app. Of course, I searched my symptoms - yet again - thinking this app looked a lot better and probably more accurate than the last symptom checker app I used. But every which way I entered in my symptoms (I have a lot of symptoms and I am not sure if they correlate so I enter in different symptoms and cross check the symptoms of whatever illnesses they give me to see if they match up with the symptoms that I am experiencing) the top answer was thyroid cancer - on all three results - and my symptoms almost exactly match up. The only thing I don’t have that is a symptom is unexplained weight loss which I have been losing weight, but I have been known to go up and down in my weight from month to month so it is not a definite symptom in my book.

Anyway, so this has been on my mind because it makes sense. I still have that swollen lymph node in my neck and it has been two weeks now. They say to wait two to four weeks to see if lymph nodes go down and if they don’t they say to see a doctor. And by “they” I mean the internet health websites.

But I am going to see my doctor probably next month.

Then again, if it IS cancer like I am thinking, then I probably want to wait until the new year so that any treatment I do end up getting I won’t have to start all over with my deductible.

I have the cheapest insurance, therefore I have the largest deductible and then on top of that I will still have to pay half of whatever services I receive. Anyway, those are my stresses right now.

I tell myself that I am 26 years old and I live a relatively healthy life so why would this happen to me versus all these other people around me. I try to talk myself out of stressing out about these things, but I always come back to dwelling on the “evidence” that I see before my eyes.

On a positive note, I have downloaded a very helpful app lately, too, which is another reason I haven’t been on this website as much. The app is called Pacifica and it is supposed to be very helpful for mindfulness and generating positivity. It helps log moods and health habits. I only have the free version, but I definitely can see how it can be helpful. I’ve only had it for three days, so I can’t say too much as to whether it has been helping me or not, but I have been using it every day so far. 

Hopefully when hen I finally go to the doctor I can get some real help. I am just worried about how much this is all going to cost me. I may have to move to a different country so I can get better health care.