It's been a year...

It's been a year today since the "severing" of my marriage in divorce court. When I reflect back to those exact words of the judge and his response "Absolutely!" when I asked him "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" Knowing now that he had other intentions with his new life, I would have expedited his outcome. He sat so calmly across the courtroom hallway reading the newspaper probably reminiscing about his wonderful New Years getaway just 3 months before, while I nervously tried to keep myself together. I thought the distraught of what I was going through then was exclusive to my divorce, but apparently this process has been studied and documented since the dawn of mankind. Grieving. But in divorce it's a living death. So hard to explain and understand unless you've lived through it. Just as I, the leavie, is textbook material apparently so is the process of the leaver and it too has been studied and documented. It's like there's a manual on how to leave a marriage after 20+ years of which is very similar to the mid-life crisis manual. The metamorphosis of new clothing and shoe styles, trendy hairdo and cologne all amongst the shedding of any family memory and rewriting our history together, or just the disconnectedness and blame of our life together, all took place over the 9 months of separation prior to the actual "severing." As I disappeared from his memory he became the most selfish person I know. Refusing counseling and even to speak to me. You think you know someone after all those years, but somewhere in the manual they can hit an override button and move on as if nothing's changed except the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with is erased. Far from reality if they turned around and saw the devastation that they incurred in the wake of their selfish decision. Families from both sides that were united have become battlegrounds each justifying their loved ones perception of our marriage. Years of memories with them are now clouded with judgements and silenced. He made the decision to end what we decided together to join. All the "I don't love you anymore's" and "haven't for many years" and "we've grown apart" or "I'm just not happy" are in chapters of the how to divorce manual and of course so is the new girlfriend. Even if he was or wasn't with her during the days after his decision to separate or 20 days or even 3 months after the divorce, there was someone else in his mind while my world was falling apart. No need to try to keep it together when he's already made the decision that he wanted out even through the endless tears and pleadings. Eventually I had to realize I am also at fault and reflect back on my poor decisions and choices in our marriage and accept that I was a part of the breakdown of our 21+ marriage. I am no saint by any means nor claim to be or make our marriage seem perfect. But, I did not leave him to move on into a new life breaking my commitment and vows we made to love each other in a church before God. It was never as bad as he will try to make it out to be. I am still ME without the need for new stylish clothes or fancy upgrades living with the reality of a broken family. I may have been forced to move on and create my new life, but I will have no regrets that I didn't try to fight to save our marriage or that I just gave up and quit. Loveis a choice. HE chose not to love me anymore. All the quarks he liked about me became the things he hated and eventually there was nothing left of me when he replaced me with her. Not fair to compare years of marriage with someone to the newness of a girlfriend who he now has so much in common. It's just apples to applesauce. Everyone says you've got to move on and let it go. So easy for others to say and expect to hear "Look at us now we're the best of friends!" Someday I will look back and see how far I've come and how resilient I am and choose to not think of him in that way that was my husband all those years. It's very hard to eliminate the pain and hurt of what has happened. I believe God has a plan and this was a part of it. The doors of opportunity have opened themselves up to me. I am living through it, but still muddling through the painful mess left of his family and shared friendships. It's a shame because when he left they went with him. I lost more than just him. Some say I gained my freedom back and look at all the things you don't miss. Well, I choose not to dwell on the negative things, like he does of me or us, because it was full of ups and downs called life and besides I don't need to think of bad things to fall out of love - the heartache and disappointment in him are enough. Time will heal so I'm told, but the scars and words said between us can't ever be taken back. My new life has brought me to Florida where I am able to provide my daughter the opportunity to attend a spinal cord recovery center. Something that could never have happened while being married. It was not my choice to pack up and leave everything I've known, but a joint decision by my daughter and me. I just had the ability at that moment in time to be able to make the change and that change has utterly saved my life! I am now working part-time at the center and love being a part of something I've become so passionate about. Whether my daughter walks again or moves out independently, I will have no regrets and I will be proud that I was able to help turn her life around. Although I am with my daughter, I had to leave my son to venture out into the college world on his own. Something that has been very difficult at times to handle so far away. I was fortunate to have been there for his first year and now we continue to be there for each other through Facebook and texting. I am and will forever be grateful for those who supported me and continued to love me through this past year and the most difficult one before. It has been through many, many tears and endless hours talking that have pulled me back together. All the concern of "we just want you to be happy" and "move on like he has" or "life is too short" are all true. Give me a little more time since he left this marriage long before me, he's adjusted quiet easily. It's a process and I am in a better place than to be stuck with someone who doesn't love me or care to love all of me. It's best he move on than to cheat behind my back and live miserably. So I guess he did the only dignified thing to do and end our marriage and move on with his new life. Divorce isn't easy. No one I've encountered through all my support groups marriage ends mutually, especially when kids are involved. I try to imply all the consequences to those who ask me advice on their own troubled marriages. It's like the biggest blow out argument and you never ever makeup. It's just not supposed to end in this hurtful way after so many years together. I've finally accepted what has happened and realize God's amazing grace and plan in this scheme of my life. He has bigger plans for me ahead and obviously they are meant without him by my side. I have nothing but love for him and someday he may remember that when he reflects back on his life. I can't say the same for myself and I will no longer love him.