It's Been A Long Time

It's been a long time since I've written a journal.  But I'm drowning.  So fast, so hard.  And I feel like there is no one in life I can talk to.  No one I want to cry in front of.  No one who will really understand.  

I don't even know where to begin.  I guess we can start at the base of a lot of people's pain.  Parents.  There are two facts you need to know.  A...I have one parent, my mother.  And B...my mother is NOT malicious.  She doesn't intend to cause me pain or hurt.  She just does.  I see her struggle every day of my life.  With money, with food, with life in general.  My sick excuse for a sister lives with her.  Steals from her.  Screams at her.  My brother wants nothing to do with my mother but won't tell her that.  So I'm stuck watching my sister treat her like shit.  I'm stuck in the middle between my mom and my brother.  I always get to hear about what dissapointments her other kids are, but then I get to hear about how stressed they are about mom and her enabling our sister.  And I feel like I'm being tugged in four different ways.  I have been planning a suprise 60th party for my mom in two weeks and I am so exhausted, so beat down, I don't even want to do it anymore.  

Then comes my sister.  My older sister, I have two.  She is a drug addict.  Currently clean.....I think.  I have as little to do with her as possible.  And that makes me feel like a waste of space.  Like a horrible human being.  It gnaws at me all the time.  It spreads through me and it aches.  But when I'm around her the aches are fire.  Heat that fills my heart and brain and ignites in to sensless rage.  So I stay away.  I deal with the aches.  But it's like a constant pain in my chest.  A little added weight on my heart.  Another stone around my feet.

My brother.  I love that guy.  But he is struggling mentally right now.  He is seeing someone for it.  But he likes to open up to me.  And I don't want to discourage that.  But it bothers me to hear about what a shitty mom we had to him.  I never saw that.  I never felt that.  But he did.  I don't want to invalidate his feelings, but I love our mother with a fiercness.  And to have to sit quiet and hear him tell me how he never felt loved....that kills me.  It's another squeeze on the heart.  Another stone around my feet.

My younger sister.  Opinionated, self righteous, entitled.  But I love her too.  We tend to butt heads a fair bit.  As I don't stay quiet about some of the things she believes.  Unlike my brother I will tell her how I feel and why.  It causes tension.  But she is pregnant with her third child right now and she lives an hour out of town.  Her doctor is here.  She also comes in to town for shopping and what not.  But she never calls our mom.  I don't know why.  Our relationship is still fragile after our last fall out and I don't want to broach it yet.  But our mother cries over her.  And she is my co planner for our moms suprise party.  Not that she has done much of anything when it comes to actually planning or helping me pay for it.  Another rock around the ankles.

My daughter.  She's 8.  She is smart, she is unique.  She is attitudinal, disrespectful, sassy, rude.  I feel like I failed.  I have done everything I felt has been right (more or less) as a mother.  And I have managed to create this little human being who hates me 75% of the time.  Who doesn't listen.  Who won't clean up after herself.  Who does EVERY job or chore she is asked to do half ass.  Who talks back.  Who throws fits when she doesn't get what she wants.  Occasionally we get a day where she is a little ray of sunshine.  Where she is exactly what I had tried so hard to raise.  But there are far and few between.

And lastly is my spouse.  My failing relationship.  I feel like no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing.  He can be loving.  But most of the time he is critical, snarky and mean.  He doesn't kiss me, doesn't hold my hand, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't do anything really around the house.  He demands sex but he never does anything to make me feel attractive.  He never compliments me.  He wont do anything like, say rub my back, unless I rub his first.  He will not snuggle unless he feels he may get lucky.  If I make it known I'm not interested or I'm really tired he will roll away from me, not say a word, and go to sleep.  I work from home, for 10 hours a day.  On top of that I am expected to do all the laundry, all the cooking, all the cleaning.  And still be awesome and 100% present at my job.  If he comes home or he is home and wakes up and I am sitting down for a break then it must be because I'm sucking at my job.  When he is home I try to spend some time with him as well, but that just ends up with him telling me I did nothing all day so there is no reason the laundry didn't get done.  I don't do the laundry right anyway according to him.  I can't cook.  I'm a horrible cleaner.  I don't do enough around the house and I don't do it right.  But I am the only one doing it.  And our daughter sees this.  She sees him act like this.  And she thinks it's okay.  There is currently some lunch containers sitting beside the sink, that have been there 9 days.  He left them in his lunch container for a week and they were really gross so I asked him to please clean them. He hasn't touched them.  He thinks it's my job.  If I don't pack his lunches he eats out at lunch.  And then complains about how much I spend on groceries.  He is at least ten rocks around my ankles.

I sleep as much as I can.  It's not much, I'm an insomniac.  But once I fall asleep if I can I will sleep for fifteen hours.  I don't want to be around my family.  I don't want to talk to my friends.  I don't want to cook.  I don't want to clean.  I don't want to work.  I want to take all these rocks and sink in to a river of self pity.  I'm tired of dragging them around.  I'm tired of being dumped on again and again and again and again.  I'm so very, very tired.