It's been a bad week
It's been a horrible messed up. Good for nothing week. Actually that was last week. It just all cumulated tonight.
Last week was my bday. And the entire week was a nightmare. I don't even know where to start.
Halloween was messed up and I can't even remember why right now exactly....
(In June my sister killed herself. My fully grown. Fully capable nephew was living with her. He's a drunk. Beyond alcoholic to barely functioning drunk. So. {bad idea} my husband and {somehow} I decide to help him out. He comes to live with us.... On medication. Medication to help w withdrawals. Medication that will make him sick if alcohol enters his system. My husband has been trying to establish a rehab/halfway house.(which I do not support) H put my nephew there. Not with my blessing but without my condoning. Nephew is better. Not drinking. A functioning member of the family. Helping out. Which was nice because my husband doesn't do anything. ANYTHING EXCEPT EARN A PAYCHECK.
H has the rehab set up with stricter rules more control for him than our house. Nephew cracks. Can't take it any longer. Flees to work in another town. Guess what... All my fault! How much money did I give him. What is he saying to me. This and that. If I had done this or that differently. Even bringing up timelines about my sister and if I hadn't helper her out. Etc. that's probably why Halloween was bad)
Then last week. Nephew wrecks. Flys back closer to us. Drunk. H basically tells me to pick him up at the airport and drop him off at the halfway house to sleep in a shed. Then!!! It's all my fault. I picked him up at the airport. I didn't make him pay me for gas. How much money did I give him. I've been known to give him money. NEVER. NOT ONCE HAVE I GIVEN HIM MONEY. I fedexed the man his credit card after he left. That's it. All I'm guilty of.
So. It's been a bad week. I'm closed off I'm not friendly. I'm not mean to H. I don't ignore him. I'm just no longer interacting. I don't start conversations. I don't participate in them. I answer everything with ok or fine. But he did get sex at least twice maybe three times.
But tonight... H and nephew get in a text fight. And I'm in the middle. I'm the bad guy again. I come home from a charity function. Walk in the door to kids wanting things. H just stands right over me. Right up against me. Right after I walk in the door. And then ask if he can have a kiss. It was like some test or something and I failed when I said No. He went immediately to our room where my son was laying on our bed. (He may have even been asleep ... The TV wasn't on or anything but I don't know) H tells son to go to his own bed and starts counting down from 3. Very quickly. When he gets to zero. He heads for the closet for his belt. I follow and tell him... If he goes near my son with the belt I'm loading all the kids in the car and we will go to a hotel. He sends the kids to their room. Then he lashes out at me. I manipulate him. The kids all manipulate him. We don't get what we want then we don't give him the love he deserves. He just wants to walk in the door and get free love and not have to earn it. Hugs and kisses. Happy to see him. But apparently I don't give that unless I get what I want. On and on how I manipulate him.
Funny. He must never EVER get it because I don't get what I want. I don't even understand. I don't ask for anything. I guess Internet for the kids. That's it!
He makes $300,000 a year. We live on 100,000 a year or less. He gives me 1,600/month to buy groceries, house hold supplies, clothes, food, any entertainment, cell phones. I realize people in the country survive on that because he pointed that out to me. I don't know how. I'm not making it. And I'm not extravagant. I'm driving a car held to gather by duck tape. Broken tail light. My clothes tonight... My jacket was half off clearance...$7, my shirt is over five years old, my pants were on sale $15-20 over a year ago. And a scarf I bought with a gift card. My shoes were nice ;-) but I bought them over 5 yrs ago too. I buy my makeup at Walmart and very rarely use it.
WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?! I've been subbing just to make ends meet. To have money for Xmas. To buy my kids extra clothes and things they may want. Or for cokes and treats. So I don't have to ask him for more money or anything. I don't ask him for anything. I haven't complained about the money unless he brings up what I need to be doing with it.... How we should be able to buy this or that. Funny thing. His account is the one losing the money. He separated our accounts so he could control me better.
So tonight as he's belittling me as being the manipulative one and not giving him the love he deserves... I lashed back. Broke my "do not engage the idiot" rule. i tell him I don't have any love to give him. And I'm tired of kissing his holy ass.
Well. I was wrong. Because of course I apologized and thanked him for helping with the kids tonight while I went to the fundraiser.
But. We all lost media privileges till he is happy with us again.
So basically I'm forced to be manipulative. And play his game and give him what he wants ... {fake} hugs and kisses so he'll be nice to me and the kids and give us media privileges back.
Yeah. That makes perfect sense.
Last week was my bday. And the entire week was a nightmare. I don't even know where to start.
Halloween was messed up and I can't even remember why right now exactly....
(In June my sister killed herself. My fully grown. Fully capable nephew was living with her. He's a drunk. Beyond alcoholic to barely functioning drunk. So. {bad idea} my husband and {somehow} I decide to help him out. He comes to live with us.... On medication. Medication to help w withdrawals. Medication that will make him sick if alcohol enters his system. My husband has been trying to establish a rehab/halfway house.(which I do not support) H put my nephew there. Not with my blessing but without my condoning. Nephew is better. Not drinking. A functioning member of the family. Helping out. Which was nice because my husband doesn't do anything. ANYTHING EXCEPT EARN A PAYCHECK.
H has the rehab set up with stricter rules more control for him than our house. Nephew cracks. Can't take it any longer. Flees to work in another town. Guess what... All my fault! How much money did I give him. What is he saying to me. This and that. If I had done this or that differently. Even bringing up timelines about my sister and if I hadn't helper her out. Etc. that's probably why Halloween was bad)
Then last week. Nephew wrecks. Flys back closer to us. Drunk. H basically tells me to pick him up at the airport and drop him off at the halfway house to sleep in a shed. Then!!! It's all my fault. I picked him up at the airport. I didn't make him pay me for gas. How much money did I give him. I've been known to give him money. NEVER. NOT ONCE HAVE I GIVEN HIM MONEY. I fedexed the man his credit card after he left. That's it. All I'm guilty of.
So. It's been a bad week. I'm closed off I'm not friendly. I'm not mean to H. I don't ignore him. I'm just no longer interacting. I don't start conversations. I don't participate in them. I answer everything with ok or fine. But he did get sex at least twice maybe three times.
But tonight... H and nephew get in a text fight. And I'm in the middle. I'm the bad guy again. I come home from a charity function. Walk in the door to kids wanting things. H just stands right over me. Right up against me. Right after I walk in the door. And then ask if he can have a kiss. It was like some test or something and I failed when I said No. He went immediately to our room where my son was laying on our bed. (He may have even been asleep ... The TV wasn't on or anything but I don't know) H tells son to go to his own bed and starts counting down from 3. Very quickly. When he gets to zero. He heads for the closet for his belt. I follow and tell him... If he goes near my son with the belt I'm loading all the kids in the car and we will go to a hotel. He sends the kids to their room. Then he lashes out at me. I manipulate him. The kids all manipulate him. We don't get what we want then we don't give him the love he deserves. He just wants to walk in the door and get free love and not have to earn it. Hugs and kisses. Happy to see him. But apparently I don't give that unless I get what I want. On and on how I manipulate him.
Funny. He must never EVER get it because I don't get what I want. I don't even understand. I don't ask for anything. I guess Internet for the kids. That's it!
He makes $300,000 a year. We live on 100,000 a year or less. He gives me 1,600/month to buy groceries, house hold supplies, clothes, food, any entertainment, cell phones. I realize people in the country survive on that because he pointed that out to me. I don't know how. I'm not making it. And I'm not extravagant. I'm driving a car held to gather by duck tape. Broken tail light. My clothes tonight... My jacket was half off clearance...$7, my shirt is over five years old, my pants were on sale $15-20 over a year ago. And a scarf I bought with a gift card. My shoes were nice ;-) but I bought them over 5 yrs ago too. I buy my makeup at Walmart and very rarely use it.
WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?! I've been subbing just to make ends meet. To have money for Xmas. To buy my kids extra clothes and things they may want. Or for cokes and treats. So I don't have to ask him for more money or anything. I don't ask him for anything. I haven't complained about the money unless he brings up what I need to be doing with it.... How we should be able to buy this or that. Funny thing. His account is the one losing the money. He separated our accounts so he could control me better.
So tonight as he's belittling me as being the manipulative one and not giving him the love he deserves... I lashed back. Broke my "do not engage the idiot" rule. i tell him I don't have any love to give him. And I'm tired of kissing his holy ass.
Well. I was wrong. Because of course I apologized and thanked him for helping with the kids tonight while I went to the fundraiser.
But. We all lost media privileges till he is happy with us again.
So basically I'm forced to be manipulative. And play his game and give him what he wants ... {fake} hugs and kisses so he'll be nice to me and the kids and give us media privileges back.
Yeah. That makes perfect sense.
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