It\'s back

So it's back.   I started the higher dose of the Vivelle Dot patch yesterday; had little waves of physical symptoms here and there, but not too bad at all, and emotionally I felt fine, like I was on the right road.  Today, however, I woke up at 6am; stomach's rolling, all bloated and uncomfortable, backache, and very high anxiety levels. Tried my usual mental stuff to get it to go away so I could go back to sleep, but couldn't. Went to the bathroom, tossed and turned. Was glad my husband was there so I didn't feel so all alone, but watching him sleeping happily away made me mad.    Now it's almost 4 hours later. We're getting ready to go out and have Mother's Day Brunch. I'm determined to go even though the last thing I want to see right now is food (maybe just getting out will help; sometimes that's what does it).  But mentally and emotionally, I'm very unstable. I am highly in need of mothering and seeing as it's Mother's Day, I'm reminded that Mom is gone.   Ohmigod, I feel awful! My stomach's rolling, my back hurts, I keep getting little waves of the pre-seizure feeling, I want to scream and cry. I WISH J could stay home all day, if nothing than to give L someone else to interact with, but he has to work Sundays, period. Hypochondria is settling in, as are all the other Bad Emotions connected with this.  Goddess, I WISH I could find the One Thing that I could do to just make this all go away and never return. The One Pill I could take that could guarantee me relief. All the physical shit is bad enough, but to be pummelled by the emotional shit as well is just too difficult to fight against.    The gloomy chilly marine layer doesn't help at all. I need bright and sunny. I need sweet, loving, responsible people who can and are willing to help. I feel like such crap.   I'm trying to point out to myself that I'm not as bad as I have been in the past when all I could do is lay in bed and moan and sleep for 1-3 days at a time. Oh, yes, I see that I'm one, maybe two degrees better....but I still feel like shit.   Maybe this'll go away later. Goddess, I HOPE it goes away. I hate this. I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm angry, I'm incapable of patience and loving.   And L's planned some sort of Presentation for me for Mother's Day. I"m so lucky to have her and J in my life. They ARE my life. But I'm so sorry that they have to deal with me when I'm like this. I know it's not my fault, but that still doesn't mean it's pleasant for anyone. Especially me; I HATE this, hate this. I know it'll go away...but right now, it's HERE. Dammit, dammit, dammit.  May you all have better Mother's Days than this.