It's all so connected..

I have had a rough time lately; I know what I need to do but for some reason I am resisting doing it.... yet this addiction - when it has you in its control, is so connected to our self esteem.. It's amazing when I wasn't gambling how great I felt about myself - not really great, I guess but good - and a healthy self esteem.  However, now I feel like a big loser and it affects everything I do.  Even my golf - today I played in a match play practice round and the person I played against played his best game; each hole, I felt like I was just a day late and a dollar short type of thing. I started getting really down on myself and the self esteem issues from my past and from the frustrations with gambling and the need to stop came flooding into my mind... wasn't good... - I felt myself going lower and lower.  I was still trying hard in the game and giving it all I had, but I just couldn't do it from a mental standpoint.  Needless to say I lost the round and it felt like just another way of proving something to myself - - - not sure what, I guess that I can't win... now writing that is tough, because logically I know that's not true, but emotionally - - it comes out. Anyway, I've rambled long enough. One day at a time; JUST FOR TODAY I HAVE NOT GAMBLED AND WILL NOT GAMBLE.  Feels good to write that one!Smokeygirl