It's all over

Well, that's it.....it's over. The D&C went well, according to the doctor. They are sending tissue samples to the lab and we should know the results in a week to 2 weeks, but given my age it's most likely not going to be a surprise, it's probably chromosonal. Besides, no matter what it is, it's not going to bring this baby back. I am feeling numb, empty, sad and just off. I feel sad that my baby is not longer inside of me, and sad when I think of how he/she doesn't even exist anymore. They did an ultrasound just before the D&C and it was as if I heard it for the first time, I cried again and asked several times, "are you sure!?" It's just so freaking hard to accept. M/c is just so unlike any other loss, grieving a life that began to grow inside of you and then having it taken away, it's just so cruel. I am struggling so much with this m/c, yet I know a lot of you have had multiple ones and I am sitting here in awe of you, wondering how you found the strength and feeling so much admiration for you that you managed to pick up the pieces and move on. I hope to find that inner strength, I'm sure I will but right now it seems like such an uphill battle. This is just such a powerful loss, not only am I mourning my baby, but this is it for us. There are no more IVF treatments, no more FETs, and its very unlikely we'll go the adoption route. And although typing that saddens me sooooo very much, and knowing the our IF battle is ending, there is some weird part of me that is relieved not to have to go through anymore treatments, anymore medications. I've spent so much time at my clinic, I could have worked there part time for all the hours I've logged. Almost 3 years, 2 REs, 5 times under anesthesia in 9 months, its just all too much. None of us should have to struggle like this, ever. I know some of us have success come after shorter struggles, for some of us, the road is longer, and for some, it never happens. All of it is unfair and I wish it was easy for all of us. Anyway, now I'm just rambling, so I'll end this journal here.
But, before I end this, I have to thank you so very much for the outpouring of love and support this last week, I'm truly honored and moved by all of the hugs and well wishes and I am eternally grateful for your help in keeping me sane in my most insane and difficult times. I haven't been very good this week about responding to journals, and I want to apologize for not being there for you. Please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers and I'm always cheering you on. Love to all xoxoxo