It's all over
Well, that's it.....it's over. The D&C went well, according to the doctor. They are sending tissue samples to the lab and we should know the results in a week to 2 weeks, but given my age it's most likely not going to be a surprise, it's probably chromosonal. Besides, no matter what it is, it's not going to bring this baby back. I am feeling numb, empty, sad and just off. I feel sad that my baby is not longer inside of me, and sad when I think of how he/she doesn't even exist anymore. They did an ultrasound just before the D&C and it was as if I heard it for the first time, I cried again and asked several times, "are you sure!?" It's just so freaking hard to accept. M/c is just so unlike any other loss, grieving a life that began to grow inside of you and then having it taken away, it's just so cruel. I am struggling so much with this m/c, yet I know a lot of you have had multiple ones and I am sitting here in awe of you, wondering how you found the strength and feeling so much admiration for you that you managed to pick up the pieces and move on. I hope to find that inner strength, I'm sure I will but right now it seems like such an uphill battle. This is just such a powerful loss, not only am I mourning my baby, but this is it for us. There are no more IVF treatments, no more FETs, and its very unlikely we'll go the adoption route. And although typing that saddens me sooooo very much, and knowing the our IF battle is ending, there is some weird part of me that is relieved not to have to go through anymore treatments, anymore medications. I've spent so much time at my clinic, I could have worked there part time for all the hours I've logged. Almost 3 years, 2 REs, 5 times under anesthesia in 9 months, its just all too much. None of us should have to struggle like this, ever. I know some of us have success come after shorter struggles, for some of us, the road is longer, and for some, it never happens. All of it is unfair and I wish it was easy for all of us. Anyway, now I'm just rambling, so I'll end this journal here.
But, before I end this, I have to thank you so very much for the outpouring of love and support this last week, I'm truly honored and moved by all of the hugs and well wishes and I am eternally grateful for your help in keeping me sane in my most insane and difficult times. I haven't been very good this week about responding to journals, and I want to apologize for not being there for you. Please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers and I'm always cheering you on. Love to all xoxoxo
But, before I end this, I have to thank you so very much for the outpouring of love and support this last week, I'm truly honored and moved by all of the hugs and well wishes and I am eternally grateful for your help in keeping me sane in my most insane and difficult times. I haven't been very good this week about responding to journals, and I want to apologize for not being there for you. Please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers and I'm always cheering you on. Love to all xoxoxo
Replies
Wishing you luck and sending you love for your new journey ahead.
So sorry for your loss, I hope the answer you get help you both heal.
No one is strong going through an mc, we all fall apart. It hurts so much and destroys a part of you. I know that all my ds friends helped a lot being there for me. Please give yourself time to grieve. It must be so hard for you knowing tjis was it.
I\'m so sorry you did not get a better ending.
We are here for you.
Xoxo
You will always be Mom to the little one you have lost. I know the pain of loss feels like it is too much to bear. But you are always his/her Mom. Always. I can also understand and relate to the partial relief that you speak of. Because you have gone through....so so much. I am thinking of you. And you\'re right, no one should have to go through this.
Let it out girl! You have been through so much, and my heart really does break for you. I\'m not even going to pretend that I can understand how you are feeling, but I am thinking about you and hoping you and DH can comfort each other in some way.
Hugs. It is a hard struggle - IF, MC, the whole 9 yards. Our last IVF cycle was also our last and I too felt a sense of relief either way. I mean I had 2 labs, 1 D&C, (2 removed organs, 1 ectopic) 1 ER, and 2 cycles within a year and the thought of having to go through anymore was just horrible. The body and mind is only meant to take so much - and then we are stuck enjoying whatever is on the other side. I have NO DOUBT that you will have an amazing life. You\'ll take fabulous trips to the beach, go to the late night movies, drive a super fancy car, join a cool pottery class...you\'ll fill your time with other things before you know it and this time will become a faint memory. I\'m so happy to have gotten to know you, to have gotten to support you and receive your support.
Thinking of you...xoxo Cant even imagine the saddness:( sending much love and big hugs to both you and DH.
So sorry for your loss. I will be sending lots of prayers your way.
So sorry for your heartbreaking loss! Praying for you to have strength and courage in your life.
You are courageous and loving to have finished this part of your journey. Take it easy on yourself.
Thinking of you! xo
Much love and hugs to you.
I am really sorry for your loss and pain, I truly am. Thinking of you.
I\'m very sorry for your loss. Hugs!
Very sorry this has happened. I know how heartbreaking it is
It\'s a pain nobody can truly know unless they\'ve lived it. I am so sorry for all you\'ve endured, and for the fact that you are closing this chapter on something you\'ve wanted so much. I don\'t know what lies ahead, but whatever it is, I hope it is something wonderful for you. Thinking of you always.