It really happened.
I don't know how much this will help, but I'm taking a chance and posting this out for others to see.I'm coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, and that I've suppressed the memories. Over the past year and a half, the truth has started to emerge, all starting with a very kind woman asking if I'd been abused after I described my feelings to her. I completely refused that as an option. Of course I'd never been abused! Yet, I found myself almost telling her yes instinctively.I feel ridiculous typing this all out. Part of me feels like I'm making this all up for attention or something. I know I'm not, though.I am a Christian, as a side note, and I have been praying a lot andreadingthe Bible. I'm finding a lot of solace in the Word and with my friends and family. I've finally startedtalkingto people about this during the past week, and I plan on startingcounselingnext week.I feel like things are shifting now that I've started admitting the truth to myself. I'm beginning to see that there is a brick wall in my head with these memories on the other side. I don't know who did this, or how young I was. I do know that I match a lot (and I mean, MOST) of the symptoms I've found about sexually abused children. It makes a lot of sense, honestly, and is an answer to long-standing questions like "What's wrong with me? Why do I think like this/do these things?"I feel in some ways that when I was abused, part of me stayed that broken, scared child-- and that's what I feel like now, in my 20s, the world spinning chaotically around me.I know the Lord has a plan, and that this is only the beginning. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I just have to keep pressing on, keep trusting and loving others, and finally start dealing with these demons that at long last have a name.I was sexually abused as a child. It is so hard to type that. But it's true, and how powerful such simple words are! Not "I think..." or "I believe..." but "I was". It is a fact. And it is so good to admit the truth, even if it's terrifying.
Replies
Dear tj,
Tears fill my eyes as I read your inner most feelings, thoughts and fears. Being a victim of abuse can be a very scary thing to admit, however I also see much strength and hope emerging from your writings. I am so amazingly glad and proud of you that you are in such a good, secure place in which you are able to break free from these chains one link at a time and are finally able to explore what life can be like from now on. Continue with your momentum, continue with your trusting in our lord and continue with the hope his love and attention brings. I am keeping you in my prayers and am excited to see the start of such a great journey for you. In Jesus I pray, in Jesus I trust. He will bring you to the place you want to be, even if you\'re not sure what that looks like, know it\'s full of light and love.
Sending you my heart warming hugs.
Rosa
Thank you so much for your kind encouragement, but most of all, for pointing me continually back to the Lord. I know that no amount of \"talking it out\" or counseling or self-help is going to heal me. Ultimately, that\'s the Lord\'s work and His alone. My head is still spinning as I\'m taking this all in, like I\'m sightseeing in a new country. The world is different, and brighter now that these monsters are not nameless. Thank you so much for your prayers, my friend. It means so much to be seen and cared about even in this broken place. God is so, so good!
Bless you! :D
TJ
John 14:18
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
Prayers for your discovery.
You will be amazed at how this admitting it out loud to other people will in fact help you. It is almost as though by saying things out loud we are able to let them go, and they no longer have to be the demons hiding in our closets that are blocking us from our own happiness. It also seems to help us be able to understand why we have behaved or reacted the way we have, and so then by acknowledging it openly we are able to get it into perspective, and start to work through it.
It is something that happened to us in the past, but it isn\'t who we are, and it doesn\'t have to define us for the future. We can work through it, and then discover our true self and inner beauty and let that shine out. God can help us do that.
Prayers and richest healing blessings to you!