It is what it is...

I've been struggling to figure out what I should write for my journal post, but my best friend @rcurtis1010 suggested that I just write about my weekend and today, even if it isn't pretty.  So here goes! 

Thursday, April 26th: The highlight of that day was going SoulCycling because it was with my favorite instructor and it was Britney Spears themed!  It was a great workout... I pushed myself harder than I ever did in a SoulCycling class!  Something that Chris (my instructor) said really resonated with me.  He said "...Put your self first.  Putting your self first isn't selfish.  You have to give to yourself before you can give to others."  I've heard this time and time again, but hearing it come from him spoke volumes to me in the moment!  I made sure I told him this after class and he ended up asking if I wanted to be featured on social media for a SoulCycling Challenge they are doing in order to help raise money for their SoulScholars program... it felt good and I felt invincable!  Later that night both my coworkers came over before we headed to the midnight premiere of the new Avengers movie.  Being in their company felt comforting and safe :)

Friday, April 27th: Waking up was hard because we didn't get back home until late last night.  I texted David (my now ex) a happy birthday because I knew I could message him with genuine intentions and not with hopes of striking up a conversation to implore how he is doing and 'show off' how much 'better off' I am without him... However, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do anything for him to make it a special day had me kind of down... which may be the true reason why I ended up staying in bed all day.  I wasn't happy with myself for doing that :(  I spent that evening FaceTiming with my best friend from Brit Columbia.  She was going through a nasty breakup... We talked for a really long time about everything and anything- life, pups, the future, funny stories, our likes and dislikes.  It definitely helped not feel so lonely... even though I was comforting her, she comforted me all the same! 

Saturday, April 28th: I woke up unusually tired despite the amount of sleep I've been treating myself too.  I picked up my co-worker and we headed to work.  It was more of a challenge than usual because I was so tired, but the kids I work with manage to brighten up my mood!  On our car ride back home, my coworker Tre randomly said "Deepa, we have become really close."  That made me smile and feel confident and proud about my effect in a relationship with a person I truly care about.  After coming home, I decided to take a nap before meeting up with Michelle, but it ended up being a 4 hour nap.  I decided that I should just treat myself to a complete relaxing day.  I made plans to have a "movie date" with my best friend in Brit Columbia.  I ordered some take-out and soon fell into a sleep-coma.

Sunday, April 29th:  I felt horrible for missing my "movie date" with my best friend and even worse for knowing that I was going to let the guilt to allow me to be lazy.  I ended up spending the day in and out of sleep and not talking to anyone when I was awake.  I felt disgusted with myself.  I had my first Tennis League meet-up at 530pm so I forced myself to get up and get ready.  The second I got there and saw Michelle, a wave of serenity came over me and a huge smile swept across my face.  Throughout the whole 2.5 hours of practice, I felt at peace.  I would catch myself smiling to the point the edges of my mouth ached!  I met some new people; that was pleasant!  I made some excellent vollies and groundstrokes; that was invigorating!  But when it was time to go home, I felt my shoulders get heavy.  Now it was time to go home and be alone... thankfully, I was able to fall asleep the second my head hit the pillow

Monday, April 30th: I woke up slightly drained, but I pushed through my morning routine of betting ready for Barre.  With each little action, I gained a little momentum.  Seeing Michelle outside the studio rose my spirits. The workout was tough and challenging but the sensations of my muscles working extra hard gave me a reason to be proud of myself!  Everything seemed to be going pretty well until I got home.  I don't know what exactly happene but I just got overwhelmingly sad... I started focusing on my thoughts about David: how is he doing?, what is he doing?, is he thinking about me?, does he miss me?, is this break up still just as hard for him as it is for me?  I took a shower and reminded myself that my therapist told me that I should give myself time to grieve... so I let myself cry... I cried until the water turned cold.  I told myself that once I get out of the shower, that I will push these thoughts to the back of my head and get on with my day.  But something kept nagging at me... I finally convinced myself that it would be okay to send him a text.  I texted him "I know I shouldn't but I just wanted to see and ask how you're doing?"  Instantly, I regretted it... I regretted it because I felt weak and stupid for reaching out to him when I am suppose to be focusing and thinking about myself, for being weak and letting myself for expending energy on him and not myself... thankfully I have @rcurtis1010 and my sister to talk me through this.  I expressed my want to go to sleep and forget the thoughts in my mind and that I knew I had to stay awake, get some work done, push through and experience this discomfort- because how am I ever going to get better and stronger if I keeping running away and don't deal with my problems and issues head on?! 

Writing these feelings and thoughts have helped tremendously... I feel a small weight has been lifted off my shoulder... I feel like I have just enough energy to make it through the day...