It Hurt Like I Expected
Well, I knew it was going to be anything but a fun task but last night I started working on the paperwork that I am going to need to get the divorce filed.
I didn't envision having to read the printing pages thru tear filled eyes but that's exactly what happened. The more I saw of the forms, the less I liked them. Phrases such as "Dissolution Of Marriage"... "irreconcilable differences" and more just ripped their way into my heart and I lost it. Damn it!! This shouldn't be happening!!
I hope she's having a good time with her new guy while I'm at the emotional bottom, the lowest of the lows I've ever felt. I know I need to move on as she has but it's absolutely f'ing killing me. I shouldn't be having to start over coming into my "golden years"!!!
How can I hate someone that I had so many good years with? I have to get mad at her in order to start moving on and that is what is making this whole thing so hurtful. I'm not a hateful person but am I going to have to change my outlook in order to get out of this rut? I don't have any self esteem left at this point. Poof! Gone!
I know she wants me to be happy but I don't see any way that is going to happen. Maybe I was meant to be alone, the wolf outside the pack. I guess if I don't have anyone to hurt then I can't be hurt in return. Maybe that's going to be the right path to follow.
I don't know anymore.. I'm not sure what else I have to offer..
I didn't envision having to read the printing pages thru tear filled eyes but that's exactly what happened. The more I saw of the forms, the less I liked them. Phrases such as "Dissolution Of Marriage"... "irreconcilable differences" and more just ripped their way into my heart and I lost it. Damn it!! This shouldn't be happening!!
I hope she's having a good time with her new guy while I'm at the emotional bottom, the lowest of the lows I've ever felt. I know I need to move on as she has but it's absolutely f'ing killing me. I shouldn't be having to start over coming into my "golden years"!!!
How can I hate someone that I had so many good years with? I have to get mad at her in order to start moving on and that is what is making this whole thing so hurtful. I'm not a hateful person but am I going to have to change my outlook in order to get out of this rut? I don't have any self esteem left at this point. Poof! Gone!
I know she wants me to be happy but I don't see any way that is going to happen. Maybe I was meant to be alone, the wolf outside the pack. I guess if I don't have anyone to hurt then I can't be hurt in return. Maybe that's going to be the right path to follow.
I don't know anymore.. I'm not sure what else I have to offer..
Replies
This whole thing is so hard. From beginning to end and it hurts even more when you feel like you are the only one feeling anything for the loss. Hang in there my friend. Be patient with yourself. Know that this is one hell of a roller coaster ride and sometimes more dips come when you least expect it and it knocks the wind right out of you all over again. No way around it we have to go through it to get to the other side. I never gave the word \"process\" much thought or what it really means and now I hate everything about it including the word its self. I am so tired. Just so tired! It\'s the kind of tired sleep can\'t fix. Eventually you will begin to find your footing again, to begin to figure out who you are outside of being her husband, what makes you happy, and how to be okay with your new life. It just takes time. You will hear that a million times but only because it\'s so true. I have an ear if you need it. ((((( hugs John))))))
Thank you, my friend. Doing a lot better today