IT HURTS!!

THE PICTURE PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL!! I AM IN THAT DARK, PAINFUL, LONELY PLACE AGAIN. I KNOW IT IS MY FAULT THAT I AM IN HELL AGAIN. I THOUGHT I WAS HANDLING THE STRESS WITH MY DAUGHTER BUT I WAS SO....WRONG. I NOW KNOW WHERE THOSE SEEMINGLY OUT OF THE BLUE PANIC ATTACKS WERE COMING FROM AND THE GENERAL FEELING OF BEING UNWELL, NO ENERGY ETC. IT WAS A CULMINATION OF EVENTS THE ENTIRE TIME SHE WAS HERE. ADD THE CAT TO THE MIX AND I HAVE THE PERFECT BP STORM RECIPE. AFTER THE LAST BLOW UP ON SUNDAY I "THOUGHT" I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB OF DISTANCING MYSELF FROM HER, THE DRAMA AND HER PROBLEMS......NOT!!! I HAVE BEEN CRYING, THE TIGHT CHEST WITH SOME PAIN, THE KNOTTED, NAUSEATED STOMACH, THE BOWEL PROBLEMS, THE EXHAUSTION, THE SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM, AND MIND AND THOUGHTS,WELL.....IS VERY MUCH IN CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND PROCEEDS IN ANY DIRECTION IT PLEASES EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO GO WHERE IT LEADS. I AM LIVING IN FEAR OF EVERY PASSING MOMENT AND WHAT NEGATIVE THINGS WILL HAPPEN. I KNOW I NEED TO GET A GRIP AND QUICKLY BUT ALL MY NORMAL MEASURES ARE NOT HAVING ANY AFFECT!!!!! I SEE MY PDOC ON TUESDAY BUT WHAT THE HELL THERE IS NOT TOO MUCH THAT HE CAN DO THAT I DO NOT ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO. I AM SO....DESPERATE RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO RUN AND KEEP ON RUNNING, I WANT TO GO WHERE IT IS SAFE. WHERE IS THAT? HOW CAN YOU RUN FROM YOUR MIND?? MAYBE I NEED A HOSPITAL STAY. YOU KNOW I AM DESPERATE WHEN I SAY THIS. I HAVE NEVER WANTED THAT AS AN ALTERNATIVE. MAYBE I WILL GO TO MY SISTER'S IN ONTARIO FOR AWHILE. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...CONFUSED, SCARED,AND IN PAIN!!!!
DEBBIE

Replies

GeorgiaW
GeorgiaW

I\'m so sorry your back in this place again. I know it is a harsh thing to say but I seriously hope you will give thought to keeping your daughter out of your life. I know you love her and it would be hard to turn your back on her when she comes knocking and with her history I suspect she will come knocking again, it\'s only a matter of time. But your giving in to the love and concern you have for her is killing you and there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

I have a bit of morbid facination over this since I have several friends who are going through almost identical situations with daughters right now and a part of me wonders how such basicaly nice women can end up wiht such self centered, manipulitive kids (there are some sons who fall into this catagory too but the daughters seem to lead the pack).
I also hope you will give a good look at working with nutrition in addition to whatever meds your doctor is giving you. The stress your under depeltes some of the needed nutritents your brain needs for health but so do the meds you are taking. I really should be more up on this since Winter is a bit bi-polar and I\'ve nagged her for years to do more along those lines to help stabilize herself. One thing I do know that helps is B6. To be effective for things like depression and PMS it needs to be taken in much higher doses then the \"daily\" recommendation, not sure exactly what would work for you. Back when I first started taking it for my PMS/depression my doc was recommending 4-6 times the daily recommedded amount on the bottle and then I was told to up the dose if that did not prove effective.
Feel better soon my friend, hugs
penny59
penny59

Debbie i am so sorry that you are in such a bad place.. take some deep breaths and do you have any klonopins and call your pdoc early if you have too. maybe going to your sisters is a good idea.. removing yourself from a situation sometimes helps also...maybe a med tweek will help also.. hang in there .,.,this too will pass. hugs ..marie
deleted_user
deleted_user

I know there is absolutely nothing I can say to stop what you are going through but I do know the feeling. If I could I would I cure all my friends. It is a terrible thing. When it happens to me I remind myself of how fast time fly\'s and that soon it will be gone. I would definitely ask the doc about some Klonopin for a little while. I don\'t even ask I just do it. It settles me right down. It does not stop the bp but it does take away the anxiety and mind spinning. It also helps you sleep so you are not thrashing around sleepless. I am sure your episode with your daughter did not help. It is hard because no matter what goes on in your heart you gave birth to her and even though you can\'t take her actions you still love her. I will see you in my prayers tonight. Pondering upon a message I was going to send you but this might not be the right time so I will save it. Only you will enjoy it. I think. By the way I once had to go in the hospital. It was a good thing. I felt safe and they took good care of me and got me on some different meds that changed my life. If I ever had to go back I would not be afraid. If it ever came to that don\'t be afraid. They take good care of you and it is like a relief. Love you Naomi xo