IT HURTS!!
THE PICTURE PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL!! I AM IN THAT DARK, PAINFUL, LONELY PLACE AGAIN. I KNOW IT IS MY FAULT THAT I AM IN HELL AGAIN. I THOUGHT I WAS HANDLING THE STRESS WITH MY DAUGHTER BUT I WAS SO....WRONG. I NOW KNOW WHERE THOSE SEEMINGLY OUT OF THE BLUE PANIC ATTACKS WERE COMING FROM AND THE GENERAL FEELING OF BEING UNWELL, NO ENERGY ETC. IT WAS A CULMINATION OF EVENTS THE ENTIRE TIME SHE WAS HERE. ADD THE CAT TO THE MIX AND I HAVE THE PERFECT BP STORM RECIPE. AFTER THE LAST BLOW UP ON SUNDAY I "THOUGHT" I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB OF DISTANCING MYSELF FROM HER, THE DRAMA AND HER PROBLEMS......NOT!!! I HAVE BEEN CRYING, THE TIGHT CHEST WITH SOME PAIN, THE KNOTTED, NAUSEATED STOMACH, THE BOWEL PROBLEMS, THE EXHAUSTION, THE SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM, AND MIND AND THOUGHTS,WELL.....IS VERY MUCH IN CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND PROCEEDS IN ANY DIRECTION IT PLEASES EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO GO WHERE IT LEADS. I AM LIVING IN FEAR OF EVERY PASSING MOMENT AND WHAT NEGATIVE THINGS WILL HAPPEN. I KNOW I NEED TO GET A GRIP AND QUICKLY BUT ALL MY NORMAL MEASURES ARE NOT HAVING ANY AFFECT!!!!! I SEE MY PDOC ON TUESDAY BUT WHAT THE HELL THERE IS NOT TOO MUCH THAT HE CAN DO THAT I DO NOT ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO. I AM SO....DESPERATE RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO RUN AND KEEP ON RUNNING, I WANT TO GO WHERE IT IS SAFE. WHERE IS THAT? HOW CAN YOU RUN FROM YOUR MIND?? MAYBE I NEED A HOSPITAL STAY. YOU KNOW I AM DESPERATE WHEN I SAY THIS. I HAVE NEVER WANTED THAT AS AN ALTERNATIVE. MAYBE I WILL GO TO MY SISTER'S IN ONTARIO FOR AWHILE. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...CONFUSED, SCARED,AND IN PAIN!!!!
DEBBIE
DEBBIE
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