It has been a while...
But things have been ok.
I've been doing pretty well other than a few interactions with my brother that irritated me for reasons I have already communicated.
I'm doing alright.
I avoided brother trouble on Thanksgiving by not going to dinner with my brother nad sister but only with my sister after my brother had left.
but here it is Christmas and I decided to give it a chance and it was tolerable until the end. Tho, throughout the three hours I was there my brother was bitching about all kinds of things but they were not about me so I ignored it and held my tongue. but as we were finishing and clearing the table we got to talking and I got excited about something I was saying and my voice involuntarily started to get louder and he interrupts me and barks at me, " don't raise your voice to me."
I wasn't able to contain my irritation and so said, "don't tell me what to do I can raise my voice if I want to" to which he said, "Stop yelling at me or I'll knock you out." This was what really set me off. I was tired of his empty threats and trying to control me and my sister through fear so I stood up and got in his face and told him to stop threatening me.
This obviously was not the right thing to fo or say and it was wrong to do it but I was instinctively countering his order and threat to me which was unfair and uncalled for. I was trying to prove a point that he can't treat people like this especially his family and get away with it. I was not even raising my voice due to anything he had said but because of what I was talking about which was upsetting and all he heard was me getting louder and so went off on me and threatened violence when I did not do what he said..
so this started a completely unneeded and unsatisfactory argument where he again heard nothing and learned nothing and I yelled my voice soar. When ever we have an argument I am trying to get him to see a point, you know convince him of something or tellhi8m something but all he does is listen for ways to find error in what I am saying or find how I am wrong. It is completely useless and yet I keep trying.
So all in all, it wasn't too bad this Christmas but it did not end well and it again shows me that I will never be treated fairly by him or accepted with any consideration and should just give up and avoid him as I was attempting to do. Neither me or my sister are completely ever comfortable around him because we never know when something we say or do will set him off and I'm sure he thinks the same about us as he sets us on edge and on guard around him.
I truly believe that my sister and I are both better off without him in our lives.
I took some time to talk to my sister about the fight he and I had had and she did not seem to be too bothered by it. I did not want her to think that it was all his fault as I know I had pushed him once it started and I would not let him walk away without trying to get him to listen to me or see my side. I tried to tell him of my anxiety problems and that his jumping on and barking at me when I get excited is not at all helpful and I can't control it and he should try and deal with it and help me. He said he would and apologized but then immediately started trying to make me feel bad and wrong in what I was doing again. I can't change some things but try to not purposefully do things to bother people, he won't even admit to fault to try and do differently or take another's problems into consideration. It dcomes down to what he thinks and how it is right and the other person is wrong. Even when I admitted that I should not have acted the way I did he wouldn't even acept his win for that part of the argument and kept trying to fault me for other things and would not admit that he is jumping on my feelings and taking no consideration of them. No matter what I say he turns it around back on me but then won't even listen when I try and explain or defend just keeps harping and bullying.
After this and spending the little time talking to my sister I went to visit a friend who has no family in town and hung out and talked with him and his girlfriend, I did not mention this fight to him, He knows my brother is an ass and I did not have any need to talk about it because it was just another stupid useless argument with no differences or new irritations to stay with me. At most the argument just calcified that my brother is a lost cause to me. I think I am less and less bothered by the arguments themselves but mostly irritated by the possibility that they may happen.
I must admit I still dread getting phone calls especially from my brother and when I can come home and find no calls on my machine it gives me a little bit of happiness.
so that was my Christmas. Happy New year.
I've been doing pretty well other than a few interactions with my brother that irritated me for reasons I have already communicated.
I'm doing alright.
I avoided brother trouble on Thanksgiving by not going to dinner with my brother nad sister but only with my sister after my brother had left.
but here it is Christmas and I decided to give it a chance and it was tolerable until the end. Tho, throughout the three hours I was there my brother was bitching about all kinds of things but they were not about me so I ignored it and held my tongue. but as we were finishing and clearing the table we got to talking and I got excited about something I was saying and my voice involuntarily started to get louder and he interrupts me and barks at me, " don't raise your voice to me."
I wasn't able to contain my irritation and so said, "don't tell me what to do I can raise my voice if I want to" to which he said, "Stop yelling at me or I'll knock you out." This was what really set me off. I was tired of his empty threats and trying to control me and my sister through fear so I stood up and got in his face and told him to stop threatening me.
This obviously was not the right thing to fo or say and it was wrong to do it but I was instinctively countering his order and threat to me which was unfair and uncalled for. I was trying to prove a point that he can't treat people like this especially his family and get away with it. I was not even raising my voice due to anything he had said but because of what I was talking about which was upsetting and all he heard was me getting louder and so went off on me and threatened violence when I did not do what he said..
so this started a completely unneeded and unsatisfactory argument where he again heard nothing and learned nothing and I yelled my voice soar. When ever we have an argument I am trying to get him to see a point, you know convince him of something or tellhi8m something but all he does is listen for ways to find error in what I am saying or find how I am wrong. It is completely useless and yet I keep trying.
So all in all, it wasn't too bad this Christmas but it did not end well and it again shows me that I will never be treated fairly by him or accepted with any consideration and should just give up and avoid him as I was attempting to do. Neither me or my sister are completely ever comfortable around him because we never know when something we say or do will set him off and I'm sure he thinks the same about us as he sets us on edge and on guard around him.
I truly believe that my sister and I are both better off without him in our lives.
I took some time to talk to my sister about the fight he and I had had and she did not seem to be too bothered by it. I did not want her to think that it was all his fault as I know I had pushed him once it started and I would not let him walk away without trying to get him to listen to me or see my side. I tried to tell him of my anxiety problems and that his jumping on and barking at me when I get excited is not at all helpful and I can't control it and he should try and deal with it and help me. He said he would and apologized but then immediately started trying to make me feel bad and wrong in what I was doing again. I can't change some things but try to not purposefully do things to bother people, he won't even admit to fault to try and do differently or take another's problems into consideration. It dcomes down to what he thinks and how it is right and the other person is wrong. Even when I admitted that I should not have acted the way I did he wouldn't even acept his win for that part of the argument and kept trying to fault me for other things and would not admit that he is jumping on my feelings and taking no consideration of them. No matter what I say he turns it around back on me but then won't even listen when I try and explain or defend just keeps harping and bullying.
After this and spending the little time talking to my sister I went to visit a friend who has no family in town and hung out and talked with him and his girlfriend, I did not mention this fight to him, He knows my brother is an ass and I did not have any need to talk about it because it was just another stupid useless argument with no differences or new irritations to stay with me. At most the argument just calcified that my brother is a lost cause to me. I think I am less and less bothered by the arguments themselves but mostly irritated by the possibility that they may happen.
I must admit I still dread getting phone calls especially from my brother and when I can come home and find no calls on my machine it gives me a little bit of happiness.
so that was my Christmas. Happy New year.
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