It Goes Good, Then Plunges...

It's been a while, but I'm frustrated and just want to get the words out.  He's been sober for about a month now, give or take.  Now it's not the alcohol in the way, we're back to the depression and the anxiety.  God I wish I had friends I could chat with or blow off some steam.  I feel like my life is always subject to his whims.  If he's doing good, then I'm doing good, but when's bad, I have to be bad.  So, things came to a head last night and he fought with my mother and stormed out.  She's been living with us since her stroke.  She's not an invalid but can't quite live by herself.  She's the focus of his frustration and anxiety.  She's the cause of all the problems.  At least, that's how he makes it sound.  She's really not that much trouble.  She can be a "child" at times, but for the most part she's just there and I guess that grates on him.  Trouble is, he's always home too its not healthy.  He has no goals and desires.  We had a great first vacation since COVID.  Wasn't my favorite, but we got out, had a good time and came back pretty happy.  Then it slowly went south.  He picked at her from the moment he got home and it just go progressively worse.  The week seemed good.  Our couples therapy was good and upbeat.  Then it all changed again.  I feel like I did something wrong or at least was partially responsible.  He wanted to plan another vacation and I was being a spoiled brat.  We're used to a certain level of perks and high end treatment and I felt this trip wasn't going to be that.  Normally I'm very grateful for everything but this time I kinda spoke out loud that "if it wasn't high end, I didn't want to go."  I was half joking but maybe I rubbed him the wrong way so I'll take responsibility for that.  I've never been like that.  So not sure what came over me.  I guess the trip was good but wasn't my trip, it was more what he liked to do and I guess I wanted to make sure this next trip was mine, but it wasn't feeling like that.  But, either way, I'll take my lumps with that.  That's on me and I'll take responsibility for that.  But then he turned on her, was aggravated.  I don't know if it was aimed at me (probably) or if there was something else going on.  Anway, he stormed out and I realized I had to bring up a subject I've been avoiding.  I had to tell my mom she would probably be better off not living here anymore.  God, I felt awful.  I felt like a shitty son.  She was kinda taken aback by the talk and we kinda left it as a too be continued.  She has a vacation property that she can't always get to, as she relies on my brother or I to take her.  And she can't stay there alone.  So, it's been proposed to me that maybe she should sell it and go into an assisted living center.  I don't even know how to go about that, but it was a thought.  She said she'd never thought of it.  So then, I called my brother, who I speak to, but we're not close, and let him know about the situation.  So we need some time to think the game plan through and see how this goes.  He can't take her in, he's got a full house with 5 kids.  So my husband has made me choose and I chose him, which now I'm not so sure about.  Part of me is like, "okay, now that she's not here, what's the next problem?  What's going to be the next exucse?"  

So anyway, he stormed out, I had this talk with her and then while I called my brother I never realized he was home.  He took his meds and went to bed.  I was going to sleep on the couch but after twisting and turning I went to bed at 1 a.m.  I had to get up for work.  I'm sorry he doesn't have a job (he doesn't need one or want one).  So I got a few hours sleep and had a shitty day at work.  (Oh, yesterday was a bad day at work too, but I never got around to telling him.  So I had to juggle a bad day at work and fighting and storming off with him, followed by a night of guilt).  

We were cordial to each other today.  When I called him at lunch he called me back and we seemed to be okay.  I told him we'd talk and then I got home and light switch changed.  So now he doesn't want to talk.  I offered to go get a cup of coffee (thus away from the house and we could chat about what happened the night before).  He told me later, go take my nap.  I did (I always take a 30 or 60 min nap after work).  Then he fed the dogs and he is on a juicing cleanse so no dinner for him.  We had left overs from last night so I fed my mom and I ate, (by myself with him in the next room).  And now he doesn't want to talk.  "I don't think we have anything to talk about."  We don't?  Fuck you.  Our friends come over for game night once a week.  Now he's not sure if he wants to be involved tomorrow for that.  Do I cancel or play without him?  We don't have therapy till Thursday afternoon.  Is he going to make me wait until then?  Fuck it.  I don't want to do anything now, no motivation to get ready for tomorrow.  So I spent last night alone and now I'm spending tonight alone again.  This sucks.