It Feels Uphill

I was supposed to go to a therapy appointment at 11 a.m.  I couldn't fall asleep last night until very late so when the alarm went off this morning, I just couldn't do it.  I had my psych doctor's appointment set for today in the afternoon.  Since I already missed the first appointment of the day and was beating myself up for that, I forced myself to get dressed and go to the dr. appointment.   Doctor noted that my energy is very low and my depression seems to be at some sort of plateau so he suggested I try a new medication called Nuvigil in the morning to see if it helps kickstart me out of depression while the other meds are setting in.  I was worried that it would cause me anxiety but the doc says if I get anxious, I can take the anxiety meds.  All of this makes me think of my nickname on here, depressiontini.  I am a cocktail in transition.   I asked the doctor about what I should be doing to try and help myself.  My sleep schedule is a mess because I only want to sleep during the day in order not to feel the pain of my thoughts.  He said that if I were in the hospital, they would have me on a strict schedule.  I would not be sleeping during the day so that I could sleep at night.  I asked what sort of things the hospital would make me do, and he mentioned just the general activities that keep you busy so you are doing something and aren't in your own head all of the time.   When I left the doctor's office, I forced myself to go for a walk.  His office is in a neighborhood I normally find quite charming - beautiful architecture, great eateries and lots of boutiques.  So I walked.  I went into a hardware store that is unique; lots of quirky little gift items in addition to the actual hardware.  Normally, this would be right up my alley.  As I was walking the aisles, I started to feel like I wanted to cry.  So I got out.  Forced myself to walk a bit more and peak into some store windows, but couldn't face going in anywhere.  And every so often, I would just want to cry. It reminded me that it's "not all in my head": I am depressed.  Why would a walk in a charming neighborhood on a beautiful day make me want to cry normally?  It wouldn't.   This is the thing about depression, because it is in your head, you start to beat yourself up.  You think you're not trying hard enough, you're being lazy, there's something wrong with you.  And then you try to do the "normal" thing and it's so hard and although at first it felt bad that it was so hard, it reminded me that it's ok to be a little less hard on myself.  That I need to get the part of my brain that beats me up for not being better to take a back seat since my body's already beating me up enough. Instead of focusing on the appointment I missed this morning, I am going to try and feel good that I at least made it to the second appointment and took a walk today.  I even made a few calls that I had been dreading.