it all goes fine untill......
The whole day went fast at work, i was feeling happy the whole 8 hours i was there and more. As soon as i get home my father tells me that he broke my computer, i asked him why he did such a thing cause i bought the thing a while ago and it isnt just some fancy calculator. He said that it was my sisters and my fault for not teaching him more about Facebook and he could not get on cause he talks to a lot of people from his country that he knows on there. I am fucking furious at this point, that is a good laptop down the drain for no reason at all just because he got mad and smashed it. Fuck Facebook, my father acts like a child for no reason sometimes. I cant believe i have to work all day and i hope to come home to a nice and quiet atmosphere, but no i cannot, he was also arguing about putting up the Christmas tree but its all anger this time of year, I have never had a happy Christmas in my life because of my family, no wonder things never go in a positive direction, because everyone is always negative towards one another. Needless to say in rage i smashed my door and hurt my hands, they are bleeding and hurt like no other, after a while i went outside in the snow to punch my punching bag just because i felt like i had to, i was crying the entire time wondering why i am always dealing with dumb ass people in my family, i cant help it, it isnt my fault i try to help them but you cant help someone who will never admit their mistakes, like my father, he is a child in a mans body the way he acts. i went out and bought him another computer just because when he is on one he doesent bother me and told him if he breaks this one, i will move out and look for more help, cause his behavior is what is giving me depression and suicidal thoughts all the time, all he could say was to go ahead and go right now that i have no reason to wait anymore that i am the selfish one for staying and helping him pay bills off and stuff, maybe i am selfish for wanting to help my family. I have had enough of this, sometimes death is a great relief, i know my mom is in a much better place now, just cause she doesn't have to listen to my fathers selfish words anymore. BTW snow is fucking cold when you dont have a shirt on and stop punching shit lol.
Replies
Ed
I can relate to you so much, it seems like I know you. All my Christmas suck to. every year same old shit. Dad get drunk and act like and ass. If we was playings games on the table he would knock everything off the table and laugh. God I hated him so much and for so long. I feel like I\'m going backwards in life and do not know what to do about it. Right now my head hurts so fucking bad I just want it to stop. I want the pain and sadness to go away. I wish I did not care about my mom and Nicholas because I would just end my life now. No more pain,no more sorrow, no more regret. I was doing good at one time I had a house a job I love and was happy. Now I\'m 51 live at home with my mom and have a job I hate. I make alot less money then I used to. So I\'m back in the place in life where I feel like what the point. Mental and emotional I feel like I can not do office work anymore. Physical I can not do what I doing. So please tell me what is a 51 year old female suppose to do.
Wow i can so relate with the family issues. My family triggers my depression and anxiety so i definately know what your going through. Ive had to move back in with family and its not been easy. It really sucks cause i cant afford to live on my own so i have to deal with my illness on top of all the family issues bs.
Folks,
I too can relate to what you are going through, I lived like that for decades, I am still in a job that I do not consider to be up to par with my abilities, a job I used to hate.
I am 53 now and I am happy to announce that I learned to shift the way I saw things. It is amazing how a shift in perspective changes your entire attitude. People are still goobers as I call them but they no longer bother me.
They do whatever they do but the difference is that I no longer see them doing things to me, see the difference? I am not taking anything they do or say as a personal affront to my existence or as I used to say, a communist plot to drive me insane. I started to see that all that was happening was that God was trying to get me to change by making my life a living hell, quite a paradox, uh? As my step mom once told me: \"the day you say ouch, you\'ll stop beating your head against the wall\"
I also changed the way I saw my situation, and started to speak differently about my situation. Whatever is happening in my life at the moment, it is to me temporary, and I am by no means stuck anywhere in anyway.
I hated my family for decades, most of my life, actually. Well, now that I have changed the way I interact and see them, my step-mom and my sister well up right love me to pieces now when in the past we fought like cats and dogs. I changed, so in turn they changed because I was no longer in the defensive with them.
Some family members, I no longer deal with because they are beyond redemption and I don\'t feel the need to engage people who treat me badly, I love myself too much to allow anyone to abuse me. But more importantly, whenever anyone says anything to me I do not like, I no longer react, I either say, \"Is that so?\" or even \"Okay\". Nothing else, as the saying goes, \"what you resist, persists.\" So by not resisting, defending or even engaging anyone in a foul mood, you avoid so much strife.
So those of you struggling in life, all you have to do is stop fighting everyone and everything, seriously. No one in your life triggers anything in you unless you allow it. I am not kidding.
The bottom line is this: Life is not what happens to you but what you do and how you deal with what happens to you. That is IT! The most basic secret I can give you.
This from a critter whose life resembles a very well crafted Russian saga to rival any well known Russian classic such as War and Peace. Somehow I was able to overcome all of my difficulties and shortcomings, even at times when it seemed all doors were closed.
So what does need to happen for you so change it? You need to ask different questions and seek better solutions. Instead of asking, for instance: Why does this keep happening to me? Or even: Why are people in my life such goobers? You need to ask: What am I doing (or not doing) to perpetuate or encourage this behavior from them? Or even: What thoughts am I having that keep me where I am? How am I seeing this situation (as never ending or temporary)?
Lastly depression and anxiety are caused mainly by the thoughts you are entertaining at any one time. You think a negative thought, you\'ll have a negative emotion. It\'s a no brainer, right?
But we seem to think that anxiety and depression just happens, in my experience, I was able to relieve my depressive and anxious states simply by bringing myself back to earth, and seeing things differently.
One book that assisted me in this quest to better myself when I could not afford a therapist was \"You can heal your life\" by Louise Hay written by a woman who lived a very abusive and let\'s say, ghastly life until she decided to change it
Lastly, the main reason I changed myself was this: I no longer wanted to live the miserable life I was living, there had to be a better way and lo and behold I found it, all because I refused to endure another day in the hell I had put myself into, mind you, it was a hard pill to swallow, to realize I had willfully and thoughtlessly given away all my power to things and people, yet once I realized what I was doing, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and voila! It was NOT an oncoming train.
The choice is yours, always. Even not choosing is making a choice.
Hope this helps,
Wolf
i cant relay relate to this as my family vanished and left me when i was 12 but yours sound like the most irritating people on earth
Wolfiepa You gave be a freaking headache
Do you like hearing yourself talk or what.
Im sorry. Hope things get better!
How old are you? I ask because I read through your unglorious day and was wondering why you do not move out? I left as soon as I turned 198. Had to first work in a factory, worked at alot of crappy jobs to support myself...put myself through college as an untrai8ned bartender and put up with cigarette smokr, degrading comments and always with a smile while thinking underneath what I really felt about them. Do not drink and never went to bars for fun so was not my \"scene\" but paid my bills.
Why do I tell you this old history that is really unimportant to me anymore? Because you need to make a better choice than \"this life sucks and I want to die\" You need to get out of your toxic house and put them all in the past. People like your step\"dad\" (doesn\'t sound like he really deserves the title will always...I repeat ALWAYS bring you down and you will be much better off to move away. Go to the Salvation Army if you need a place to live. I lived in my van...yes I did, not telling you this for any reason but to et you to think how to FIX your problem vs. end your life. As I mentioned I am not religious, I have some believes but not enough to be a source of strength as does \"China\"...so I need to work on establishing a better reality. My son died because he was depressed, and way too much in,love with a beautiful but dramatic girl who literally drove him to his death. He had a good life but was too depressed to see it at the time because he was too young and in love to see the big picture. He was a very good at keeping things from people, which is why his death was a horrible shock...he had just told me he was doing better. I can\'t bring him back no matter how many prayers or wishes I have made. You are still alive and you are communicating with people about how you feel so there is definitely something in you that wants to be in this mixed up world. People like wolfiepa may for whatever their reason (which I think I know but will keep to myself) say hurtful things and that is the danger of being on this or any \"support group\" site...some people will use this as a way to hurt others. Ignore him and your step\"father\" and get on with your life. Get whatever job you can get and move out. You will look back at it as the single most best decision you ever made. Like \"China\" I still have some contact with some more toxic members of my family but never let them \"in\" anymore because I know where that can lead. But that was only after 10+ years of totaling avoiding them. When I became strong, I called them to say happy birthday opr whatever. Never will I expect anything from them but the potential of hurt so I keep myself shielded from them. They are my biological relatives...yur step\"father\" isn\'t so just move on and forget him.
Correction: I moved out as soon as I turned 18, not 198!
Wow, big correction and apologies to Wolf I read the sender wrong and it was \"isthereanend\" who said your were giving her a headache. Sounds out of character for her or him but still sounds hurtful. Maybe I misunderstood their intention. Anyway sorry \"wolf\".
debrawhocares
Wolf gave me a headache not my friend. I refuse to call him by the name he goes by. He is a wonderful guy