It All Builds Up

It all builds up.  One little thing after another after another.  I can't take it all.  I have to snap, break, crack, just to let something out.  It all builds up so much...

I listen to my students and I pour myself out for them.  I listen to my parents and I give what I have for them.  I listen to my friends and I pick up the burdens and carry them.

I'm not full enough to nourish them all.  I'm not rich enough to give to them all.  I'm not strong enough to carry it all.

Because at the end of the day, there's me.

There's me, hollow and empty, dark and unloved, sad and unwanted, alone and friendless.  Day after day of giving and giving and giving, I come home to an empty, demanding house.  Do the dishes.  Clean the cage.  Wash the laundry.  Study.  Cook.  Clean.  Over and over and over again.  I barely have what it takes to get out of bed in the morning; will I have what it takes to get things done?  I spent all day fighting the voices in my head; how can I keep going when it takes all I have to care for the people in my life and then some?

How can anyone look at me and see the battles I face every day?  How can anyone ever understand what it's like to walk a mile in my shoes?  How can anyone ever know me when I'm never asked a single question?  How can anyone ever love me when I am this broken and bruised and battered and blemished?

And I crack.

And I snap.

And I break.

And it all begins again.

She's crazy.  She's irresponsible.  She's lazy.  She's worthless.  She's stupid.  She's disgusting.  She's cruel.  She's heartless.

Just more voices to add to the storm brewing in my head...  And the storm rages on...  And it all builds up...  Again.