Issue of fault again!
It has been just a little over 2 months since we lost Hunter from a placental abruption. Since that time I have found out that I have a blood disorder..My homocysteine level is 32.6(Double normal)and I am homogenous for A1298C(MTHFR Mutation). Of course, with new information comes this obsession to investigate all sources possible for knowledge. I have found that these abnormalities can lead to blood clots in addition to pregnancy complications such as placental abruptions and stillbirths. By researching more I find that I should be on a daily baby asa, a prescription vitamin called folgard, and should have been on an injectible blood thinner(Lovenox)when I was pregnant with Hunter. So..You see even though I didn't know...It was genetically my fault that we lost our son. And the guilt all comes back again..I was responsible for Hunter and I failed him. Damn it..Why didn't I know this? Why are these tests only done after the tragic loss of my son. Maybe I could have saved my son! So..off to the high risk pregnancy doctor and hematologist for recommendations for what we will need to do if we are fortunate enough to get pregnant again. If we do add to the risk of my age 41, medical history of a placental abruption, add on top two scoops of sh@t a blood disorder. My husband and I want a child so bad, however with all of these risks can I even bear to try again? Oh my gosh..I have NO idea what to do anymore. I feel completely helpless and overwhelmed!
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I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I lost my little boy, Gabriel, at 23 weeks on June 3, 2010. There was no reason found for his death. I understand the pain that you feel and the overwhelming guilt that you are feeling. It is the worst pain and I remember feeling like I would never heal.
I am an older mom like yourself, I was 41 when Gabe died and I remember thinking that I would never be able to have another child. The stress and anxiety was overwhelming. But, I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Maggie, who was born on June 23, 2011 and is perfectly healthy.
Healing takes time and you need to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. I never believed that I would feel happy again during those first horrible months after losing Gabriel, but slowly, life is returning to normal.
I will never again be the same person as I was before, I don\'t think any mom could. There are days when Gabriel is on my mind and I miss him so much, but it doesn\'t consume my every thought and breath.
If you every need to talk, I will be here.
-Karen
Karen, Thank you soooo much for your kind words. I can not tell you how much it means to know that being an older mom there is still hope for another child. You have provided me with a glimmer of hope and I truly thank you for that! Giant hugs to you for giving me a sense of hope today! (((Hugs)))