Is This It?
This is probably the worst day that I have had in a long time. I know that there will be good days and bad days, but if the bad days are all like this I seriously don't know if I can handle it.
I guess it started yesterday afternoon at my temp job. The job that I hate, the job that is completely wrong for me, the job that I am not very good at, the job that I had to take for the $; the job that I took in hopes that they might hire me and give me health insurance so we could try again. The place is so damn frustating. I am struggling to learn tasks that are like a foreign language to me, and I get no training, no support. I lost it on poor DH at lunch time yesterday. I just rambled on and on about how I hate this place and want to quit, I cried that I hated having to work here. He has heard it so many times before, and after my tirade he says nothing; he is just silent. I don't know what I expected him to say. . . I guess I just want him to tell me it will all be OK, even if it won't. I am looking for reassurance, but I worry now that even he doubts that everything will be OK with work, with me, with us. I know that he is confused and frustrated because he can't help me. He has said that he feels guilty that I have to work at all, that he doesn't make enough to provide for us. I have told him that that is ridiculous, because I don't resent him for that. I do wish that I could quit though, that I could go home to my safe place, away from these strangers who wonder why I am so introverted and why I always seem sad.
I had a phone counseling session last night. To tell you the truth I didn't really want to do it. I wanted to curl up in my bed and watch the new Netflix dvd. I didn't want to face more pain after feel so crappy all day. My husband had a friend over and he encouraged me to do it because he knew I would feel lonely; and probably because he has had more than enough of my venting for the day. I talked to her for my alotted hour, not really getting to the heart of things until the session was practically over. At the end I realize I have only 1 more session left (the sessions are free as a part of a volunteer service) and I worry about next week being my last one. Even as I write that I find myself crying in the fear that that support will be gone. So at the end of the session I feel empty and scared.
I watched TV until too late, because I am always afraid to go to sleep on nights that I feel like this; that's when the nightmares come. But I am exhausted and know that the morning will be even worse if I don't sleep soon. In my sleep I am holding her, my precious angel baby, she is perfect and beautiful. I hear something and look up, and when I look back she is gone. I search everywhere for her, but find nothing. In the dream I am crying, and screaming inaudible cries. When I wake the tears are real, and I am screaming. My husband wakes up and says it's OK it's only a dream. I roll over and think; I wish that were true. I had that dream 3 times last night, but the last 2 times I realize it's a dream and wake up silently crying.
The mornings had been getting better, but this morning I am near tears again, almost shaking as I get ready to go back to THAT job. Now I am here and I can not concentrate. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the sadness, maybe it's the anger. I have just spent almost an hour typing this and stifling my tears. Part of me hopes I will get in trouble and they will fire me.
Maybe I will write more later, I can't think straight anymore. All the emotions are bombarding me. . . it's only 9:30 how will I make it to 5:00?
I guess it started yesterday afternoon at my temp job. The job that I hate, the job that is completely wrong for me, the job that I am not very good at, the job that I had to take for the $; the job that I took in hopes that they might hire me and give me health insurance so we could try again. The place is so damn frustating. I am struggling to learn tasks that are like a foreign language to me, and I get no training, no support. I lost it on poor DH at lunch time yesterday. I just rambled on and on about how I hate this place and want to quit, I cried that I hated having to work here. He has heard it so many times before, and after my tirade he says nothing; he is just silent. I don't know what I expected him to say. . . I guess I just want him to tell me it will all be OK, even if it won't. I am looking for reassurance, but I worry now that even he doubts that everything will be OK with work, with me, with us. I know that he is confused and frustrated because he can't help me. He has said that he feels guilty that I have to work at all, that he doesn't make enough to provide for us. I have told him that that is ridiculous, because I don't resent him for that. I do wish that I could quit though, that I could go home to my safe place, away from these strangers who wonder why I am so introverted and why I always seem sad.
I had a phone counseling session last night. To tell you the truth I didn't really want to do it. I wanted to curl up in my bed and watch the new Netflix dvd. I didn't want to face more pain after feel so crappy all day. My husband had a friend over and he encouraged me to do it because he knew I would feel lonely; and probably because he has had more than enough of my venting for the day. I talked to her for my alotted hour, not really getting to the heart of things until the session was practically over. At the end I realize I have only 1 more session left (the sessions are free as a part of a volunteer service) and I worry about next week being my last one. Even as I write that I find myself crying in the fear that that support will be gone. So at the end of the session I feel empty and scared.
I watched TV until too late, because I am always afraid to go to sleep on nights that I feel like this; that's when the nightmares come. But I am exhausted and know that the morning will be even worse if I don't sleep soon. In my sleep I am holding her, my precious angel baby, she is perfect and beautiful. I hear something and look up, and when I look back she is gone. I search everywhere for her, but find nothing. In the dream I am crying, and screaming inaudible cries. When I wake the tears are real, and I am screaming. My husband wakes up and says it's OK it's only a dream. I roll over and think; I wish that were true. I had that dream 3 times last night, but the last 2 times I realize it's a dream and wake up silently crying.
The mornings had been getting better, but this morning I am near tears again, almost shaking as I get ready to go back to THAT job. Now I am here and I can not concentrate. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the sadness, maybe it's the anger. I have just spent almost an hour typing this and stifling my tears. Part of me hopes I will get in trouble and they will fire me.
Maybe I will write more later, I can't think straight anymore. All the emotions are bombarding me. . . it's only 9:30 how will I make it to 5:00?
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