Is this "normal" now?
I have been feeling a bit better lately, but it does not feel like thought that it would. Maybe because I have changed so has my idea of what is "normal?" Now don't get me wrong I am in no way complaining about being able to breath again, about being able to function in a somewhat regular way. I just find it a little sad that I feel so different now, like I miss my old self. . . Is this how it is for everyone? Is it because I have lost my innocence over being pregnant? Is it that I will no longer naively go through any subsequent pregnancies? I guess I was just hoping to feel more like I used to. It's just something else to get used to; the new "normal" me.
I have been doing well with managing my grief, especially aroung others and when I am out. (Isn't it the worst when the smell of the baby aisle in the grocery store makes you want to burst into tears?) I had only one really bad moment over the weekend when out with my MIL. We were waiting to be seated at a restaurant and DH was convieniently in the bathroom. MIL spotted a cute little girl (no older that 3) and immediately zoned in on her and her mom. She started a whole conversation with her and kept saying how adorable she was and pointed out to me how cute she was, like 5 times, isn't she just precious, don't you think she is adorable. I didn't want to let myself respond (because I thought I might have either gouged out her eyes or become hysterical, I wasn't sure which at the time) and I just nodded politely and pretty much ignored the whole thing. MIL then muttered something under her breath about me being impolite, and I just let the whole thing go. If she only knew how much I/we wish that we could try again right now, would she still act like this? She has really been the most difficult family member to deal with through all this, and I thought that she would be at least understanding as she is my only family member who has ever had a MC. Sorry about that. Vent over.
I have a counseling session today, and am a little nervous that I will not have enough to talk about to fill a whole hour. Last night I spent an hour picking out a memorial bracelet at myforeverchild.com. At first I found the idea of jewelry as a memorial as completely morbid, why would I want to be reminded daily of something I lost and of my deep hurt. But now as I am working through the healing process I feel differently. I don't want to forget my angel, and I feel like this would be a way to let others remember her also. Maybe I'll talk about that. . .
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?One=899
I have been doing well with managing my grief, especially aroung others and when I am out. (Isn't it the worst when the smell of the baby aisle in the grocery store makes you want to burst into tears?) I had only one really bad moment over the weekend when out with my MIL. We were waiting to be seated at a restaurant and DH was convieniently in the bathroom. MIL spotted a cute little girl (no older that 3) and immediately zoned in on her and her mom. She started a whole conversation with her and kept saying how adorable she was and pointed out to me how cute she was, like 5 times, isn't she just precious, don't you think she is adorable. I didn't want to let myself respond (because I thought I might have either gouged out her eyes or become hysterical, I wasn't sure which at the time) and I just nodded politely and pretty much ignored the whole thing. MIL then muttered something under her breath about me being impolite, and I just let the whole thing go. If she only knew how much I/we wish that we could try again right now, would she still act like this? She has really been the most difficult family member to deal with through all this, and I thought that she would be at least understanding as she is my only family member who has ever had a MC. Sorry about that. Vent over.
I have a counseling session today, and am a little nervous that I will not have enough to talk about to fill a whole hour. Last night I spent an hour picking out a memorial bracelet at myforeverchild.com. At first I found the idea of jewelry as a memorial as completely morbid, why would I want to be reminded daily of something I lost and of my deep hurt. But now as I am working through the healing process I feel differently. I don't want to forget my angel, and I feel like this would be a way to let others remember her also. Maybe I'll talk about that. . .
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?One=899
Replies
Glad you\'re feeling better! You know, I feel the exact same way...like normal isn\'t the same normal. I miss the old self too. But I guess our new \"selves\" are wiser, deeper, stronger, right? By the way, good job handling your MIL. How AWFUL! Don\'t know if I could have handled it much better - I can\'t believe she wouldn\'t have been more sensitive about that. Just awful - sorry you had to go through that. Good luck with your session tonight - you might be surprised at how easy it is to fill an hour! Wishing you a great day... Hugs, Meagan
Thanks Meagan! It\'s nice to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I just wish I would have appreciated what I had before more than I did at the time. It makes you really think about what is truly important, and appreciate everything in the moment.
MIL is truly insensitive sometimes, and I have been avoiding her because of this. We were really overdue to see her though, but maybe now I can avoid her for another couple of weeks! Doesn\'t help that she lives only 9 houses away!!! Yes, I must have been certifiably insane the day I agreed to that! Makes Everybody Loves Raymond not seem so funny anymore. . . ;)
I can\'t really say very much about what the new normal is because I haven\'t reached that point yet. I\'m so sorry about your MIL. That must\'ve been terrible. You have a great deal of self control! Awww. You got the forget me not bracelet. How sweet. I don\'t think you\'ll regret your decision to get it. I know I don\'t regret my decision to buy my necklace. I haven\'t taken off since the day it arrived (except for showers). She has beautiful jewelry, & the poems are wonderful too. I especially like the fact that most of her things can be worn without drawing unwanted attention & explanations if you don\'t feel like explaining.
Oh I am so with you on the \'normal\' again - I know there was a funnier, smarter, more engaged version of me before this - I think gradually we\'ll get back to those girls .... it\'s still so new for us all and we\'re all still coping and moving forward.
As for your counseling session - honestly, I would pretty much take your posts in for the last week :) There\'s a lot more to talk about there than you probably think and the tangents of the sessions will take care of the time. Just don\'t be afraid to dive in on something - it doesn\'t have to be big or be an issue for the counselor to work with it - just a minor irritation is a big clue and an opener sometimes. Like living along from Marie Barone, you poor thing. The only thing that would make that bearable would be if Frank were along for the laughs!
I think your bracelet sounds gorgeous and not morbid at all and you can wear it for as long as you want to - and if a time comes where you don\'t, you can put it away and treasure it that way too. Thanks for the link - I will go and look too :) Good luck for tonight - just remember, it\'s your time to talk about ANYTHING!