Is this "normal" now?
I have been feeling a bit better lately, but it does not feel like thought that it would. Maybe because I have changed so has my idea of what is "normal?" Now don't get me wrong I am in no way complaining about being able to breath again, about being able to function in a somewhat regular way. I just find it a little sad that I feel so different now, like I miss my old self. . . Is this how it is for everyone? Is it because I have lost my innocence over being pregnant? Is it that I will no longer naively go through any subsequent pregnancies? I guess I was just hoping to feel more like I used to. It's just something else to get used to; the new "normal" me.
I have been doing well with managing my grief, especially aroung others and when I am out. (Isn't it the worst when the smell of the baby aisle in the grocery store makes you want to burst into tears?) I had only one really bad moment over the weekend when out with my MIL. We were waiting to be seated at a restaurant and DH was convieniently in the bathroom. MIL spotted a cute little girl (no older that 3) and immediately zoned in on her and her mom. She started a whole conversation with her and kept saying how adorable she was and pointed out to me how cute she was, like 5 times, isn't she just precious, don't you think she is adorable. I didn't want to let myself respond (because I thought I might have either gouged out her eyes or become hysterical, I wasn't sure which at the time) and I just nodded politely and pretty much ignored the whole thing. MIL then muttered something under her breath about me being impolite, and I just let the whole thing go. If she only knew how much I/we wish that we could try again right now, would she still act like this? She has really been the most difficult family member to deal with through all this, and I thought that she would be at least understanding as she is my only family member who has ever had a MC. Sorry about that. Vent over.
I have a counseling session today, and am a little nervous that I will not have enough to talk about to fill a whole hour. Last night I spent an hour picking out a memorial bracelet at myforeverchild.com. At first I found the idea of jewelry as a memorial as completely morbid, why would I want to be reminded daily of something I lost and of my deep hurt. But now as I am working through the healing process I feel differently. I don't want to forget my angel, and I feel like this would be a way to let others remember her also. Maybe I'll talk about that. . .
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?One=899
I have been doing well with managing my grief, especially aroung others and when I am out. (Isn't it the worst when the smell of the baby aisle in the grocery store makes you want to burst into tears?) I had only one really bad moment over the weekend when out with my MIL. We were waiting to be seated at a restaurant and DH was convieniently in the bathroom. MIL spotted a cute little girl (no older that 3) and immediately zoned in on her and her mom. She started a whole conversation with her and kept saying how adorable she was and pointed out to me how cute she was, like 5 times, isn't she just precious, don't you think she is adorable. I didn't want to let myself respond (because I thought I might have either gouged out her eyes or become hysterical, I wasn't sure which at the time) and I just nodded politely and pretty much ignored the whole thing. MIL then muttered something under her breath about me being impolite, and I just let the whole thing go. If she only knew how much I/we wish that we could try again right now, would she still act like this? She has really been the most difficult family member to deal with through all this, and I thought that she would be at least understanding as she is my only family member who has ever had a MC. Sorry about that. Vent over.
I have a counseling session today, and am a little nervous that I will not have enough to talk about to fill a whole hour. Last night I spent an hour picking out a memorial bracelet at myforeverchild.com. At first I found the idea of jewelry as a memorial as completely morbid, why would I want to be reminded daily of something I lost and of my deep hurt. But now as I am working through the healing process I feel differently. I don't want to forget my angel, and I feel like this would be a way to let others remember her also. Maybe I'll talk about that. . .
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?One=899
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