Is This It?

This is probably the worst day that I have had in a long time. I know that there will be good days and bad days, but if the bad days are all like this I seriously don't know if I can handle it.
I guess it started yesterday afternoon at my temp job. The job that I hate, the job that is completely wrong for me, the job that I am not very good at, the job that I had to take for the $; the job that I took in hopes that they might hire me and give me health insurance so we could try again. The place is so damn frustating. I am struggling to learn tasks that are like a foreign language to me, and I get no training, no support. I lost it on poor DH at lunch time yesterday. I just rambled on and on about how I hate this place and want to quit, I cried that I hated having to work here. He has heard it so many times before, and after my tirade he says nothing; he is just silent. I don't know what I expected him to say. . . I guess I just want him to tell me it will all be OK, even if it won't. I am looking for reassurance, but I worry now that even he doubts that everything will be OK with work, with me, with us. I know that he is confused and frustrated because he can't help me. He has said that he feels guilty that I have to work at all, that he doesn't make enough to provide for us. I have told him that that is ridiculous, because I don't resent him for that. I do wish that I could quit though, that I could go home to my safe place, away from these strangers who wonder why I am so introverted and why I always seem sad.
I had a phone counseling session last night. To tell you the truth I didn't really want to do it. I wanted to curl up in my bed and watch the new Netflix dvd. I didn't want to face more pain after feel so crappy all day. My husband had a friend over and he encouraged me to do it because he knew I would feel lonely; and probably because he has had more than enough of my venting for the day. I talked to her for my alotted hour, not really getting to the heart of things until the session was practically over. At the end I realize I have only 1 more session left (the sessions are free as a part of a volunteer service) and I worry about next week being my last one. Even as I write that I find myself crying in the fear that that support will be gone. So at the end of the session I feel empty and scared.
I watched TV until too late, because I am always afraid to go to sleep on nights that I feel like this; that's when the nightmares come. But I am exhausted and know that the morning will be even worse if I don't sleep soon. In my sleep I am holding her, my precious angel baby, she is perfect and beautiful. I hear something and look up, and when I look back she is gone. I search everywhere for her, but find nothing. In the dream I am crying, and screaming inaudible cries. When I wake the tears are real, and I am screaming. My husband wakes up and says it's OK it's only a dream. I roll over and think; I wish that were true. I had that dream 3 times last night, but the last 2 times I realize it's a dream and wake up silently crying.
The mornings had been getting better, but this morning I am near tears again, almost shaking as I get ready to go back to THAT job. Now I am here and I can not concentrate. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the sadness, maybe it's the anger. I have just spent almost an hour typing this and stifling my tears. Part of me hopes I will get in trouble and they will fire me.
Maybe I will write more later, I can't think straight anymore. All the emotions are bombarding me. . . it's only 9:30 how will I make it to 5:00?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh sweetheart, I feel so badly for you and I feel every single word you say. I wish more than anything I could just tell you to go home and that I\'ll put your salary in your account (if I get that lottery win I will!). I know that\'s only a tiny part of this problem but to be coping with all that on top of your grief is too much hey? i totally get the wanting to crawl into your safe place - I\'ve been living in mine for too long though and I have to say, too much time in here alone doesn\'t make it better.
Is there anyone at work, just one person you could tell what you\'re going through? I know you\'re trying to keep everything together there, and that\'s great but if maybe there was just one friendly shoulder - even if it\'s a fake one at this point!
I know that all this is made so much worse by your exhaustion and totally understand your fear of going to sleep - those dreams are absolutely horrendous. I know you have insurance issues but is there any way you can see a Dr about sleep medication? If not, I would be more than happy to do some research for you and find out if there\'s anything recommended that you can buy over the counter.
Days like this one are evil and I know what you mean about not being able to take them but you ARE making it through little lady - you shouldn\'t have too by the finger tips I know, but you are getting through and it will get better. And those dreams do stop, I promise you that!
If you want to talk when you get home from work, please call on me - either here or I\'ll send you my number or call you if you like.
i feel so much for you right now and wish I could help.
Please hang in there,
Abi
platypus22279
platypus22279

Abi,
You have no idea how much just knowing that someone is there listening means to me, especially on days like this. I have accomplished absolutely nothing today at work, and I am so exhausted (physically & emotionally) that I can\'t care anymore. I have exactly 3 hours and 54 minutes to go before I can leave, and let me tell you I will be running for the door!
I hesitate to tell anyone here because I am still trying to figure out the office politics. . . my cube mate has been arguing with someone for 3 days about stolen cottage cheese. . . and I mean yelling and screaming and accusations. . . I want to shake them and tell them how petty and ridiculous they sound. I want to yell at them how their cottage cheese seems like an insignificant speck of dust to me, because my baby is dead. I think I am more afraid that I will completely lose it if I even tried to tell someone.
I have been taking Advil PM, but only on the weekends as I find it really hard to wake up from pills and am often groggy. I had bee doing pretty good with the dreams, I was down to about only 2 times a week, but 3 times in 1 night is too much!
I just wanted to say thanks for even responding, it means more than you know!
Shannon
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hey, no worries - we\'re in this together. I am sorry I didn\'t get back earlier - I sometimes have trouble getting on here :( Yey!!! You have made it through the day and I\'m hoping you\'re already snuggled up on your sofa. please let tomorrow be easier for you - days following those dream nights are horrendous!
Your colleagues are idiots! And I have no idea where you get your patience from - I think I\'d have snapped and yelled exactly what you were thinking .... their issues are SO insignificant!
Well congratulations you - you made it through a real trial today .... one more thing you can say you did! Now hope you have a really peaceful night,
take care and lotsa love
Abi x
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry honey you are struggling so much I\'m here for you I pray you find peace and that the pain starts to clam and you start to heal.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh I\'m so sorry that you\'re having a bad time. I understand what you mean about the lack of sleep. I don\'t sleep either, but it\'s not because of dreams. I just don\'t sleep.

The economy is awful right now, & it\'s a tough time to find new work. What do you specialize in? I do temp work too, but it\'s long term temp work as a substitute teacher, & you have 100% control over your schedule & what assignments you accept. i could point you in the right direction for looking into it if you\'re interested. Just let me know. The pay isn\'t great, but they do offer benefits - IRA, insurance, etc.

(((HUGS)))
Tracy