Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?
I have been pretty sick for quite awhile now and been out of work. I have had broncitis and larengitis. My son got married in Vegas a couple of weeks ago and it started when I got home. As anyone who knows me well, knows I have been having alot of problems in my relationship. And to be truly honest, I have been *off the wagon for quite sometime* and it really hasnt helped with the depression and anguish that I feel. This time I am going to take care of myself because no one is as important to me as my children and myself. I will not surrendor again to those demons in my head.. Or so I hope. Here is the letter I wrote to Alvin for the finalization of our relationship. Yep Im putting it out here so who ever it is on my friends list that reports to Alvins family, here it is and after you copy it off, why dont you rumple it up and pour some gasoline on it and shove it where the sun doesnt shine.. LetterPlease read and do not respond negatively. Well here goes another unwanted and possibly unread letter full of animosity and truths that neither one of us want to admit to. Another letter because we are both hot heads and there is no talking between us. Just shouting, yelling, and talking over the top of each other to see who can say the meanest most horrible things to each other that we probably wouldnt even say to our worst enemies. Im through with the name calling and fighting because you are better at it, hands down. Maybe a little more practice and experience then I have. Im giving you back your mothers rings although they meant more to me then you will ever know. More then any gift you have given me and there have been plenty of those. You were usually pretty generous when it came to materialistic things. To bad you wernt better at generosity in the *giving of yourself* end of it. And Im not talking about sex either because obviously that meant more to you then me. I would have rather made *love* if the conditions would have been different. If you were not so judgemental and had any kind of desire for me. You have never given me any compliments or anything unless I begged for them. you would rather point out my faults but now I realize its because I never did anything good enough to get a compliment. I could never be cute enough, smart enough, slim enough etc. Give those rings to someone you can love *unconditonally*. Someone you find good enough to give compliments to, to cherish, put on a pedastle and have desire to love. Someone like your daughter in law or their baby girl or even Holly your step grandaughter. *Unconditionally* do you know what that means? I love you Al and always have from the beginning. (I can hear you saying, yea, yea, bullshit). Problem is we dont like each other very much.I know that I am an alcoholic piece of shit and a waste of skin. Your not the first person to let me know how worthless I really am. Ive been told it all my life. I really do hope that you find someone that you can truly love *unconditionally* and that you desire and like. Someone you find amazing and precious. That surely isnt me. Please just give me sometime to get my shit together, to get my house fixed up, find an automobile because you are taking away the truck that you bought for me. I need to get a storage unit for the 48 ford and parts and my boat. I also need to hire someone to help me move and sometime to earn some money on E-bay so I dont run myself out of my savings.I will stay out of your hair and you can do as you please.. You already do anyway. Hell, I will even pay for the hotel room so you can get your game on with the woman of your dreams because that surely isnt me. I know you owe me nothing but maybe you could treat me like family and just give me some time. Your a great man Al. My kids love you, my family loves you and respects you. But then how could they not? Please do not give me a ration of shit or call me names. You cant hurt me or make me feel any lower then I already do.I havent been drinking like you think. I have been in my bedroom for days because I have been so sick, not that you ever checked. And I really dont care if you believe me or not. The only one I am hurting is myself, and no one is worth me killing myself over. But if I want to drink, I will drink. If I want to smoke, I will smoke. If I want to cry I will cry. I am doing the non drinking thing for myself and Dakota not for anyone else., Its no longer your shift for me to die on your watch.. roflmao.. No need to continue talking trash about me to your friends and family. Im sure they realize by now what a piece of shit you ended up with. I promise to do the same. Not that I have ever really said anything bad about you to others. That is your game to play not mine.. Enuf said.. Y'Vonne
Replies
Good journal and vent Y\'vonne. Please remember dear that love doesn\'t hurt. All the yelling, name calling, put downs and negativity coming from him towards you will only make you sicker. I can tell you love him & that is okay. We can not help our feelings; only change the thoughts & behaviors that go with our feelings with a lot of work. He is treating you badly to make himself look & appear better than you but he is not. Agree with our mutual friend InHisHands. Lean on God - He will help you. All my love, Jazzie xx
This is such a great and constructive journal entry. Alot of healing can be done with this entry. You my dear...need to think MUCH better of yourself. You are probably the best thing to have ever come into his life. Please dont beat yourself up so much. Try to see yourself as we do. A wonderful and humorous woman with a heart of gold.
You seem like such a good, wonderful woman. I know you loved him ,but you deserve someone who treats you better, someone who deserves you! My prayers are with you.
Don\'t you DARE buy into his bullshit! You are NOT a piece of shit, or worthless, or anything of the sort. You are a terrific person who deserves SO MUCH BETTER, from others as well as from yourself! So you fell off that wagon... so pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on it for YOU and for the people who love you. I know you\'re trying. Sometimes relationships just don\'t work out - it happens. I\'m just glad you seem to have realized it and decided to move on. {{{HUGS}}} Brenda
I think you are an amazing person beast,,that is obvious from your journal.....this low esteem and expectations are paths that have been trodden in your mind,,new ones can be constructed and you are so worth the effort....I am reading this as a result of this crisis 21/July.....and I want you back here and fighting and changing your view of yourself...It can be done..I know so..xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wow you and I have a lot and I mean a lot more in common than I thought! Stay strong. I am proud of you for writing such a honest and straightforward letter to him! WE CAN AND WILL DO IT!!!
you are a beatiful person inside and out and from what I remember a cute personality and from what my sis told me when her and clayton were married was that they guys all adored you so for those reasons I know that you can find someone who will Love you like you should be loved sis finally found a guy that really loved her and he was a good man from what I know you might just have to come up here and go out with me one of these nights as long as u promise not to steal my husbands heart hes all I got dont let him treat you that way I will find him and he will be sorry I ddont like guys that treat women like that it pisses me off he works for Komatsu my husband used to work for them yrs ago.
Just know I care.............just KNOW that..................kisses
Hon, I have not advice for you for I know not of your romance..I know not of your husband, what it is like to live with him, have a relationship with him, so it is not my place to judge. I will say this..you are one ballsy woman to put yourself out here... and I do understand the pain you are in.. the anger you carry around inside you.. it\'s a rage too large to begin to describe.. I am here for you anytime.. I will not advise you, only listen, for I, too have my demons and some of the involve my husband, some of them involve drinking... I can emphesise...please know you have a friend in me.. one that TRULY has been where you are.. and it does suck the big one... for that I am sorry
Oh honey my advice sucks right now, just know i love you xx
Plenty of good advice here. Just be gentle with yourself and try to get feeling better! Even tho you might not think so, things will get better especially if you stay positive like your letter suggests! Message me if i can help!
Wow, Y\'vonne, this seriously made me tear up. My wish for you, is everything that you wished for him...for you to find someone to love unconditionally, who will love you back, love you forever, and most importantly, love you for you.
I am sorry that you are going through this shit. It is so hard to move on, but it is very clear that you are unhappy, and it is time to put an end to that. I hope the days ahead bring you peace and contentment, and that one day, you will truly find the love of your life...the soul mate that was put on this Earth for only you..
Until everything is right, and ever after, I am here for you my friend...xx
I have been through some very tough times with my own husband, but in the end we loved each other too much to call it quits. Instead we found a really amazing marriage and substance abuse counselor that was able to help see us through our problems. If you can see beyond the hate that has developed between the two of you and think there is something worth saving then you should give it a try.
When you are having trouble it is much easier to place all the blame on your partner than to take responsibility for your own problems. This goes for both of you, I am not saying that you are responsible for all of your relationship problems. Before I started counseling I felt like my husband\'s drug addiction was responsible for most of our problems, what I didn\'t want to admit is that I had many of my own issue like depression, procrastination, lieing, etc. One of the first steps is take responsibility for yourself and stop the blame game. The letter you wrote might make you feel better in some ways, but it would be best to stop pointing fingers and come to the table admitting your faults and trying to compromise. If your relationship is worth saving then you need to try to remember how much you first loved this person and what you love about them. That\'s why seeing a counselor can be very helpful because a good counselor will add objectivity to your arguments and help you both see things in a different light.
What my counselor stressed was you must take care of yourself first above all others. He gave no guarantees that our marriage would last, but if we started treating ourselves better and felt more positively about ourselves then maybe things would start to come together. My husband and I both tend to have depressive streaks and its very important not to feed into each others negativity and create extra drama. Every day you must ask yourself what can I do to make myself feel better? Remember the little things you love to do and that make you smile. If you have forgotten what those things are then its time to try new things and relearn how to live your life. I have learned that we cannot depend on others to always support us and give us direction in life, these things must come from within sometimes. You must remember to be proud of yourself and love yourself no matter your faults and flaws. Every day you stay clean and positive you are loving yourself.
Seeing a counselor or asking for expert advice is good because there are many things about maintaining a healthy relationship that we are never taught by our parents and sometimes we can be pretty lost in that dept.
Whether you save your marriage or not, it is most important that you continue to help yourself.
I sent this song lyrics once to a girlfriend that I had severly mistreated...
In the fury of the moment, when the words of wrath rang out,
When my mind was filled with questions & my head was filled with doubt.
I can still see all the sadness and the sorrow in your eyes.
How can flowers live in darkness, how can I apologize,
For the blackness I\'ve created, in a world that used to shine?
I\'ve wilted all your roses I\'ve spoilde all the wine.
Get out your magic pencil & erase the cloudy skies.
Draw a picture of me, saying \"I apologize\".
See the sunlight reappearing, through the shrouds of dark & gloom,
as I hear your words forgiving me and watch the flowers bloom.
Had your arms refused to open, had you severed all our ties,
I\'d still be on my knees, saying \"I apologize\".
Give me back, the words I spoke in haste,
Give\'em back, or love will go to waste,
Give\'em ba-a-ack.
It\'s a damned good letter Yvonne. I see the intelligent person behind every word. he\'ll feel like the poo on the bottom of your shoe that you intended.
You have risen above him and shown him that in no uncertain terms.
You don\'t have to see the words, it\'s reading between the lines. He failed you and you nailed him.
God bless you