Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?
I have been pretty sick for quite awhile now and been out of work. I have had broncitis and larengitis. My son got married in Vegas a couple of weeks ago and it started when I got home. As anyone who knows me well, knows I have been having alot of problems in my relationship. And to be truly honest, I have been *off the wagon for quite sometime* and it really hasnt helped with the depression and anguish that I feel. This time I am going to take care of myself because no one is as important to me as my children and myself. I will not surrendor again to those demons in my head.. Or so I hope. Here is the letter I wrote to Alvin for the finalization of our relationship. Yep Im putting it out here so who ever it is on my friends list that reports to Alvins family, here it is and after you copy it off, why dont you rumple it up and pour some gasoline on it and shove it where the sun doesnt shine.. LetterPlease read and do not respond negatively. Well here goes another unwanted and possibly unread letter full of animosity and truths that neither one of us want to admit to. Another letter because we are both hot heads and there is no talking between us. Just shouting, yelling, and talking over the top of each other to see who can say the meanest most horrible things to each other that we probably wouldnt even say to our worst enemies. Im through with the name calling and fighting because you are better at it, hands down. Maybe a little more practice and experience then I have. Im giving you back your mothers rings although they meant more to me then you will ever know. More then any gift you have given me and there have been plenty of those. You were usually pretty generous when it came to materialistic things. To bad you wernt better at generosity in the *giving of yourself* end of it. And Im not talking about sex either because obviously that meant more to you then me. I would have rather made *love* if the conditions would have been different. If you were not so judgemental and had any kind of desire for me. You have never given me any compliments or anything unless I begged for them. you would rather point out my faults but now I realize its because I never did anything good enough to get a compliment. I could never be cute enough, smart enough, slim enough etc. Give those rings to someone you can love *unconditonally*. Someone you find good enough to give compliments to, to cherish, put on a pedastle and have desire to love. Someone like your daughter in law or their baby girl or even Holly your step grandaughter. *Unconditionally* do you know what that means? I love you Al and always have from the beginning. (I can hear you saying, yea, yea, bullshit). Problem is we dont like each other very much.I know that I am an alcoholic piece of shit and a waste of skin. Your not the first person to let me know how worthless I really am. Ive been told it all my life. I really do hope that you find someone that you can truly love *unconditionally* and that you desire and like. Someone you find amazing and precious. That surely isnt me. Please just give me sometime to get my shit together, to get my house fixed up, find an automobile because you are taking away the truck that you bought for me. I need to get a storage unit for the 48 ford and parts and my boat. I also need to hire someone to help me move and sometime to earn some money on E-bay so I dont run myself out of my savings.I will stay out of your hair and you can do as you please.. You already do anyway. Hell, I will even pay for the hotel room so you can get your game on with the woman of your dreams because that surely isnt me. I know you owe me nothing but maybe you could treat me like family and just give me some time. Your a great man Al. My kids love you, my family loves you and respects you. But then how could they not? Please do not give me a ration of shit or call me names. You cant hurt me or make me feel any lower then I already do.I havent been drinking like you think. I have been in my bedroom for days because I have been so sick, not that you ever checked. And I really dont care if you believe me or not. The only one I am hurting is myself, and no one is worth me killing myself over. But if I want to drink, I will drink. If I want to smoke, I will smoke. If I want to cry I will cry. I am doing the non drinking thing for myself and Dakota not for anyone else., Its no longer your shift for me to die on your watch.. roflmao.. No need to continue talking trash about me to your friends and family. Im sure they realize by now what a piece of shit you ended up with. I promise to do the same. Not that I have ever really said anything bad about you to others. That is your game to play not mine.. Enuf said.. Y'Vonne
Replies
Oh honey I wish you wouldn\'t talk so badly of yourself and so highly of him. You are a wonderful, caring person!!!!! You have so much to offer someone. He just couldn\'t give you what you needed. He sounds a lot like my X who couldn\'t give me what I needed emotionally either. Our relationship was mostly based on his needness and sex and when he attempted overdosing I was there helping him for months, but now with me not well he couldn\'t take it and left.
You are a wonderful person!!!!!!!! Just with the wrong guy!!!!!
HUGE HUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I am sobbiong here Y\'Vonne. I can identify 100% with you. I am so, so blessed to have Mike and for him to put up with me and support me. You need someone who will love you UNCONDITIONALLY!!! That is what love is all about! And if he walks away from you, more pity him. He doesn\'t know what he\'s missing.
I love you, Beasty, and all the care you have shown me over the years is inestimable. I\'m so sorry you have to go through his. I am shocked and I\'m thinking of you.
With my love, Juice xox
Oh Beastie...I know you neeed to write this letter to be able to vent about how awful he is making you feel. Read my last words again....HE IS making you feel. I understand how that works in your mind....I hated myself and my self esteem was in the gutter for 2 years after my ex. Now, I just think what an asshole he really was, an emotional F**kwit who didnt know how to love, just blame me and not face his own issues. I am better than him, SO much better, I have learnt that I am good person, who deserves to have a better life, and I have got there now.
You too can learn from this Beastie, you can start to work on yourself, learn about yourself and what YOU need, believe me, it so worth it.
You take real good care of YOU Yvonne....thinking of you
xx
My friend, my sister, you are better than this. Do not believe the insults he has laiden upon you. You deserve so much more than he could ever give you, and the moment he realized that was when he tried taking you down from a place he could never reach. It\'s sad how people who can\'t be happy for themselves try to make others feel miserable...just so they can feel better for themselves. Know what I mean?
I\'ve been where you are, and I do would not wish this pain in my heart on anyone. But you are strong, Yvonne. Oh yes, you are strong. This is just one more of life\'s little lessons. Sucks that we have to learn the hard way, but even so, we grow as individuals and blossom in the most beautiful ways when faced with adversity, grief, and pain. After the dead of winter comes new life of spring. Awaken and see the wonders of the world that have been waiting for you to emurge.
I\'m here for you, dear friend.
I want you to listen to the song on this page. This is the song that helped me through my mourning/break-up period. http://www.myspace.com/beautifulyou The song is called \"Let Me Go\".
Just turn around and walk away
I can\'t find the words to say
There\'s nothing that you can give to me
So just turn around and walk away
Love letters from the month of May
They\'re burning in the fireplace today
There\'s nothing that you ever gave to me
So just turn around and walk away
Just turn around and walk away
Let me go, Let me go
Let me go, Let me go
Every Thought, Every Touch
Let them go, Let me go
I said that I would never walk away
But then you never wanted me to stay
I\'ve given all that i could ever give
So watch me turn around and walk away
This is where I turn around and walk away
Let me go, Let me go
Let me go, Let me go
Every Thought, Every Touch
Let them go,Let me go
Oh, my dear, dear friend.
I\'m so sorry I wasn\'t here sooner. I hope you know you are much loved here? and you have my love and respect too, and that is real, there is a person behind that and all (or most of) the comments here, so know that when I refuse completely to believe or think of you in any way as a sack of shit, that isn\'t some kind of empty gesture. I hate it that someone like you (you really are wonderful) can feel so worthless, I\'ve seen it happen to people close to me, I\'ve grown up watching my father destroying my mother and not in a small way, and I tell you this because she recovered and is better now than she ever was even when they were happy and I care about you so much that I pray you\'ll be ok and that you\'ll completely break away from all the harm done to you and recover.
I also hope you get physically better soon, I beseech you to look after yourself, eat well,
sleep deeply,
for tomorrow comes, and it\'s all yours.
I hope this reaches You, Y\'Vonne.
Y\'Vonne please don\'t put yourself down like that, like your other friends above you have written you are a wonderful caring person. My ex-bf made me feel like you\'re and it\'s not nice. I was lucky for just around the corner was my husband, who loves me unconditionally and like you wish for Al my ex-bf finally found someone to love unconditionally. I don\'t hate my ex-bf, I have forgiven him and moved on. It takes time, but in the long run you will be better off. As for the person that has been reporting back to his family, that is just disgusting and low as it gets. ((((HUGS)))) 4 U. Relli
As Juice says, I can\'t wait for YOU to \'find someone that YOU can truly love *unconditionally* and that YOU desire and like. Someone YOU find amazing and precious\'. Because that IS YOU - amazing and precious.
As long as Rainer is quoting music, I hope you don\'t mind me adding a line which floored me (and I lived by ever since) back when I was going through my divorce. It\'s from a really old Neil Young song -
\"You can say the soul is gone,
and close another door.
Just be sure that yours is not the one.\"
We\'re all with you, Friend. Get feeling better (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every way), you amazing and precious Beast, You!
XO
Is he a great man? Would a great man make you feel the way you do? Would a great man say the things he has said? When you live with someone you get to see the real person. So what you see is the REAL man. The so-called \'great\' man is his front. His public facade for others to see. It\'s an easy mask to wear. You\'ve been abused emotionally. Abusers are experts of masking who they are. May be harsh to call him that, but look at what you wrote. Look at what you said about yourself. If someone loved you then you\'d not think those things. And neither would they. You\'re not being cherished in the way that you deserve.
Parting ways after years will be hard. It\'s not been happy recently, but I imagine there were good times. There will be a sense of loss and grief at what was. But he changed. So must you. Be who you want to be for yourself, as has been said. After learning to enjoy being in your own company then you can find someone who will cherish and honour you as a woman and human being.
It\'s going to feel strange this next few Months, if you go through with it, but ultimately the greater prize will make it all worth it. And, GOD, you\'re loved here!
Farts and all..........rove you very rong time.
Wow. That was heartbreaking. I\'m not one to give advice about marriage or relationships. From what I read, you\'ve probably been ignored for a long time and instead of living with a lover (that being your hsuband), you\'ve settled at some point along the way for a roomate. Not that you had a choice. But the only advice I can give you, is this...and that is...that YOU and only YOU are responsible for your own happiness. And it\'s out there if you go after it. Your self-esteem has been damaged over a long period of time. I know you only from DS. But I also know you as a terrific person with a great personality. Someone with a big heart who probably puts everyone elses needs above your own. Did I get that right? Well, perhaps it\'s time you put YOU first. Your kids will be fine. Your husband obviously doesn\'t care and doesn\'t appear that\'s going to change. All things happen for a reason. God has better plans in store for you if you choose to listen to Him. You are NOT a piece of sh*t. You are a wonderful human being. Don\'t you ever believe anyone who tells you differently. So you drink, smoke, whatever. Not one person have I met that doesn\'t have a few skeletons in the closet including yours truly. It\'s called being human. Your husband may ignore you and emotionally abandon you, some of your friends might do the same, but God never will. And neither will your \"true\" friends. So if I were you, I\'d take all my problems and troubles, bundle them up and leave that bundle at the foot of the cross for God to deal with. And then I\"d go out, and start being the person responsible for your happiness and not allowing others to threaten that in any way. And when they try to knock you down a peg and say all kinds of nasty things, just repeat this simple saying in your mind, \"What you say about me is none of my business\". Eventually you will see that whatever anyone says will have no impact on you. For why would you believe what they say and think over what you say and think.
Good Luck my friend. I know you can do this. Just trust in God. Be patient. And take small steps now to turning your life around and in the direction that leads to happiness.
wish i knew what to say to help u feel better but i dont hun. big hugs for u anyway. xxx
I haven\'t seen you for quite a while and thought I would check up on you. I\'m sorry to see all you are going through. There is an excellent support group I know of that you might be interested in joining. It\'s at another site, and it is for people who are dealing with abuse of one kind or another.
I struggle myself with various addictive behaviors, past abuse, low self-esteem, not being able to identify my needs or ask for them to be met... and these are all things I am hearing in your letter and journal.
I belong to a real-world organization called \"CoDA\" also. It\'s a 12 step program, but it doesn\'t focus on specific addictions. Instead, it is for people who have trouble in their relationsips. I really think a support group like this might be helpful to you, if there is one near where you live. Just a suggestion.
Message me if you want more info about any of this. Or if you just want to talk.
im so sorry to see you in so much pain. god bless yvonne xx
Sorry about reading this journal so late but I hope that you listen to the advice everybody has given you that you are the one to love and cherish and to find someone that feels the same way about you as you do them that is what a relationship is all about. I love you and know that your a very special lady and friend to me and I cherish that..Love and Hugz Vic
I\'m also sorry about reading your journal so late.
Don\'t put yourself down hunny, you\'re a kindhearted and generous person. I don\'t think your ex deserves you!! I hope things will improve in your life as you move on. Take care, love and hugs, Gill
You sure have guts i\'ll give you that. You deserve to have the things you want nevermind what he wants. You worded your letter so perfectly, you said what you felt and thats all you can do. Sometimes the truth hurts if your not getting on. If he is being verbally abusive to you though im glad you are moving forward from things cause by the sounds of it you need to begin feeling better about yourself. Your a wonderful person, anyone here will tell you that.