Is it the other way around?

I am not sure how to be more open, i need to I know, and it is not your fault that I don't. How do I say more than this?,,,, you are the brave one of us u see. It is I that am a coward of my own making! I cling to you to hide from me. I hate those pictures of me. How come I cannot understand? My spirit as a man has left me now again. I am a shell quite empty inside. I know to be happy is so much better, I will again soon I know, but I am very tired of the cycles even the excessive highs are bringing me down, they drain away the stored energy I need for later. Is it really so selfish to say why me? Does everyone live in their own hell? "I want", what selfish words I always seek. Here is selfish: I don't want to live! Now the coward: I am afraid to die! Is it the other way around?