is it "not so bad?"

this mirror is more forgiving.  i have had a couple glasses of wine.  feeling like things aren't as bad as i tell myself they are. or, not as bad as they really are. depends on how i look at it. better to feel fuzzy and mellow than what i have been feeling. mild self-medication. i took a revia before i had my wine. hopefully it will help me keep myself in check.just washed the bathroom floor, scrubbed the tub. listening to the greatful dead. have to train at work tomorrow. i will be sleepy. geodon hangover. this i know. scared of not absorbing what i need to. scared of the eventual crash and burn. i am spending my money on lattes to keep me going. money that i don't have. money that i need to save for medical bills. i have gained weight. will not weigh myself now. am thinking of lying about what i weigh. maybe i will believe it. it will help me get through the family will never understand. not sure i should it not so bad? i will tell myself that. it will help me get out of bed in the morning.