Is it a choice?
For months now I have been having so many terrorizing dreams that I feared sleep. I feared going to sleep, waking up at night, falling back to sleep. I always had sense that someone was watching me or I’d hear foot steps or glass break or doors slam. I was brain washed by the ritual abuse that if I did not take control of the amount of pain and bleeding then they would come back to do it themselves.
I talked it over and over again with my therapist. Just recently her comment took me back a little. I was unsure how to process what she had said and honestly I was thinking of quitting therapy all together just to get away from me and my issues. Her comment about my consistent nightmares and acting out were coming from my fears. That my fears were causing the nightmares, panic attacks and desire to act out.
My first response was of corse I have nightmares I suffer with PTSD dah! Honestly, I was a bit annoyed by her comment. I started saying, “Well, I’d like to see how you would deal with the trauma’s I’ve been through.” She proceeded to tell me that she was not negating the impact my traumas had on my life, but it was not about controlling them it was about submitting to the evil one by hurting myself and fearing he would find me in my sleep. The fact was I needed to surrender and submit my body memories and fears over to God not the enemy. Completely believing that God is my very help in time of need and He is more powerful than anything the enemy could use against me.
I left that session in a state of mind I could not explain. All I thought of is...do I lack faith in You God? Do I allow my body memories and acting out control my actions and thoughts? Am I not believing that You are bigger than the boogie man in my mind and enclosed in my flesh?
I do not want to make this such a long issue, but honestly, I’m unsure of what is going on in my head. Is it a lack of trust? What has triggered my desire to stop therapy? Do I really have the ability to make a choice of where my mind is going at night? If I do not choose to focus on the memories and focus on God’s grace will it really work? I’m not looking for some majestic miracle of change in me, but I do want to own what is mine as far as how I am coping, but the confusion lies within the question..Can I really change the path my mind takes and reroute my thinking consciously and subconsciously?