Irked by my therapist
I’m angry about what’s happening with my therapist. He’s very helpful for me in some ways, but he annoys me in another: time. Keeping track of it; respecting it; communicating about it.
A few months ago, I arrived at my scheduled time only to find that he had double-booked me with someone else. He apologized, and I agreed to come back the following week. (He didn’t charge me for that day). Several weeks ago, I showed up to find his door locked and the lights out. Several days later, he called to tell me he had been sick that day and thought that he had called everyone he was supposed to meet with. For some reason, he hadn’t written my name down on his calendar, which is why I didn’t get a call.
And most recently: Two weeks ago, he said he’d be on vacation the following Tuesday. He suggested meeting Thursday instead. I said that was fine.
Last Wednesday, a day before our meeting, I called and left a message asking how much money I should bring for the co-payment, because it wasn’t clear to me. No response. The next day, Thursday, I showed up at his office at our scheduled time. No one was there. I called his office number and left a message; his answering machine gave a cell number, and I tried it, too-- to no avail.
Thursday passed. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No message from him.
Tuesday came, and I didn’t go to the office for our regularly scheduled appointment. Tuesday and Wednesday passed. Still no message.
I seriously thought something had happened to him. At the least, he was sick. Or worse, he had died. What other explanation could there be? I figured I’d eventually hear from him, or whoever was taking over his affairs. And so, I waited.
Yesterday, my phone was off all day, because the battery was dead. When I finally turned it on late in the afternoon, there was a voicemail message from him.
Hmmm… The time stamp was at around the same time we were supposed to meet the previous Thursday. This was suspicious.
I felt so disgusted at the thought of what had probably happened that I couldn’t listen to the message for the rest of the day.
Just now, I finally did.
Yup: It was him, wondering why I wasn't at the session.
Arrhrhghghg^&^#$$^(%&#$#&*(&*$!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am VERY attentive to details, and I remember hearing him say the last time: Tuesday I’m on vacation, but how about Thursday? I DON’T remember hearing him say: Tuesday I’m on vacation, but how about Thursday the next week?
There’s another twist to the story: Today, as I compared the cell number I called last Thursday to the number he called from yesterday afternoon, I noticed that the one I called started with a 3, while the one he called from started with a 2.
I dialed his office number again. As the answering machine message rolled, I waited for the moment when he recited the cell number. Sure enough-- at the point in the tape where he says the first digit, there’s a bit of a crackle.
I had heard the number as a 3. He may well have said a 2.
That’s on neither him nor me; it's just one of those mis-matches from the ether. I know that.
Still, I’m really annoyed that I can not RELY on him for communication. Either he gets stuff wrong, or he doesn’t get my messages. And I need people to get my messages!
The whole issue might not be so bad if I didn’t have to leave work in the middle of the day on Tuesdays and rush down to his office and then rush back to work afterwards. Stress / immediate shift to forced calm / back to stress again. It's like a square sine wave, and my emotions can't move like that.
Moreover, he sometimes finishes late with his previous client and then doesn’t even apologize for it! On those days, I get back to the office later, which means I have to make up even more time later in the week.
I’m not sure he appreciates my crunch for time, but his actions show that he doesn’t respect it.
This doesn’t work for me.
And yet, when we do talk, he can be very helpful.
I don’t know what’s going to happen when we meet again (I left him a voicemail saying I’m willing to get together next week). But I’m irritated. And frustrated.
And sad.
What do you do in an important relationship when in some ways, the person is great, but in others, how they inherently are irritates you?
A few months ago, I arrived at my scheduled time only to find that he had double-booked me with someone else. He apologized, and I agreed to come back the following week. (He didn’t charge me for that day). Several weeks ago, I showed up to find his door locked and the lights out. Several days later, he called to tell me he had been sick that day and thought that he had called everyone he was supposed to meet with. For some reason, he hadn’t written my name down on his calendar, which is why I didn’t get a call.
And most recently: Two weeks ago, he said he’d be on vacation the following Tuesday. He suggested meeting Thursday instead. I said that was fine.
Last Wednesday, a day before our meeting, I called and left a message asking how much money I should bring for the co-payment, because it wasn’t clear to me. No response. The next day, Thursday, I showed up at his office at our scheduled time. No one was there. I called his office number and left a message; his answering machine gave a cell number, and I tried it, too-- to no avail.
Thursday passed. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No message from him.
Tuesday came, and I didn’t go to the office for our regularly scheduled appointment. Tuesday and Wednesday passed. Still no message.
I seriously thought something had happened to him. At the least, he was sick. Or worse, he had died. What other explanation could there be? I figured I’d eventually hear from him, or whoever was taking over his affairs. And so, I waited.
Yesterday, my phone was off all day, because the battery was dead. When I finally turned it on late in the afternoon, there was a voicemail message from him.
Hmmm… The time stamp was at around the same time we were supposed to meet the previous Thursday. This was suspicious.
I felt so disgusted at the thought of what had probably happened that I couldn’t listen to the message for the rest of the day.
Just now, I finally did.
Yup: It was him, wondering why I wasn't at the session.
Arrhrhghghg^&^#$$^(%&#$#&*(&*$!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am VERY attentive to details, and I remember hearing him say the last time: Tuesday I’m on vacation, but how about Thursday? I DON’T remember hearing him say: Tuesday I’m on vacation, but how about Thursday the next week?
There’s another twist to the story: Today, as I compared the cell number I called last Thursday to the number he called from yesterday afternoon, I noticed that the one I called started with a 3, while the one he called from started with a 2.
I dialed his office number again. As the answering machine message rolled, I waited for the moment when he recited the cell number. Sure enough-- at the point in the tape where he says the first digit, there’s a bit of a crackle.
I had heard the number as a 3. He may well have said a 2.
That’s on neither him nor me; it's just one of those mis-matches from the ether. I know that.
Still, I’m really annoyed that I can not RELY on him for communication. Either he gets stuff wrong, or he doesn’t get my messages. And I need people to get my messages!
The whole issue might not be so bad if I didn’t have to leave work in the middle of the day on Tuesdays and rush down to his office and then rush back to work afterwards. Stress / immediate shift to forced calm / back to stress again. It's like a square sine wave, and my emotions can't move like that.
Moreover, he sometimes finishes late with his previous client and then doesn’t even apologize for it! On those days, I get back to the office later, which means I have to make up even more time later in the week.
I’m not sure he appreciates my crunch for time, but his actions show that he doesn’t respect it.
This doesn’t work for me.
And yet, when we do talk, he can be very helpful.
I don’t know what’s going to happen when we meet again (I left him a voicemail saying I’m willing to get together next week). But I’m irritated. And frustrated.
And sad.
What do you do in an important relationship when in some ways, the person is great, but in others, how they inherently are irritates you?
Replies
I would encourage you to tell him exactly what you\'ve told us...that he\'s a very helpful therapist, but you feel like he doesn\'t respect your time. Make certain that before you speak with him, you\'re calm, and you\'ve thought through exactly what you want to say. If you start your conversation with a compliment (the fact that he\'s very helpful), he\'ll be more receptive to any negatives you wish to share. What he\'s doing isn\'t fair to you, and it\'s clear that it\'s a habit for him, not a rare occurrence.
I really, really appreciate your compassionate response.
I talked with him about it over a couple of sessions. Things are better now partially, I think, because I got up the courage to engage with him about it. I think that helped me to feel more solid.
Life is about making a good effort and striking balances, not perfection. I continue to work with that.