Introspection
So...why did I marry her? It's getting hard to remember those feelings so long ago. What is it about her that I found so irresistible? What does she see in me? The first question is difficult to answer because, frankly, I don't remember why. This isn't to say I didn't have feelings for her at the time. Her smile was irresistible. She was hope for me at a time of crisis. But over the last 17 years I watched that hopeful smile fade into forced happiness. Burying 2 children certainly took the wind out of our sails, and perhaps neither one of us fully recovered from that devastation.
I've blamed her for far too many instances where the blame was solely mine. I feel guilt and shame with the knowledge I'm partly to blame for her suffering. I ran from the problems or pretended they weren't a big deal and we should just get over it. I've bottled everything up just so we don't have to talk about our past or our problems. Shutting down was the only way I knew how to cope with our conflicts; she was almost always right and I was typically mistaken and wrong. So I just quit trying...where would it have gotten me to keep fighting? My soul is weary, my body is tired. I think I'm done...
Replies
Chem,
The feelings you are having sound so much like the fallout of your Sex Addiction. But why did you become an addict? It sounds like you took the route addicts take.
How are things going to get better?
Recovery. The best thing you can do, to start a new and better life is to get into recovery. Start by getting sober then you will find sanity returns, a way to process feelings comes, a better way to deal with resentments, fears and hurts you have given yourself and others.
You may be at the rock bottom now, from here you can start a new journey out of the depths.
Believe me, things can be better. For me there is a new hope and a new respect for myself. My self esteem is growing and my willing to be in the 'driving seat' is shrinking. This is the way to loving myself and loving others. My relationship with my husband has improved so much. He knows I go to meetings and work hard at my 12 step programme and that is giving him on deposit my desire to recover and work towards real intimacy with him.
There are still hurts to discuss and heal, but from where I was last year, I am so much in a better place. I was planning suicide but now I am really living more and more at peace with myself and the world.
Thank you for the vote of confidence. Im talking more with my therapist about finding triggers and understanding the brain chemistry behind addictions.