into the depths
Im slipping further down. I continue to be agitated and easily annoyed at anything and everything. Add to that, loneliness, sadness, and the strong urges to cut and I don't feel very stable. Im still keeping it somewhat together but I fear not for much longer. I am melancholic and pessimistic(more than usual). I also recently put myself in a very stressful situation. No need explaining it. Because its all my fault and now Im incredibly stressed about it I feel like a loser and I feel like I deserve punishment. Cutting would provide that and it would provide a release from some of the other pent up emotions I can't seem to deal with in a healthy way. On a positive note I had a very good session with my therapist. We talked about why I always seem to go to the extremes of things and how to learn to live in the grey area more. A place more balanced. I know its there but don't know how to get there yet. Ive lived this way my whole life and find it nearly impossible to change. Im trying but its so fucking hard it gets frustrating.. My therapist has said that Im making progress but its hard for me to see or believe it. I trust her though, why would she lie. I can't seem to put into words anything else going on in my head right now so I guess this is it for now.
Replies
hey Pagan, words are not coming to me very easily right now - lots of brain fog - but I hear you. Hang in there guy, ok? (((big hugs)))
I\'m not much use Pagan.... I wrote a long reply then deleted it bcs I think my brain is full of fog too... I just want to say I relate to a lot of what you have written.... you\'ve lost trust in yourself so please do trust what your therapist says and focus on that if you can... introject her trust until there comes a time when you can feel it for yourself.. those grey areas are hard and fucking frustrating .... it sounds like you are heading in the right direction.... just try if you can to keep those self punishment scripts at bay x
Thanks guys, it means a lot to me having your support.
pagan, i hope you don\'t mind me reading your journal (if you do just let me know). i find you very intriguing on the board. i know what you\'re saying about the agitation and easily annoyed...i snapped at my bf this am because he didn\'t chop the bacon pieces small enough (for me) in the omelet we made. anyway, stay away from the self punishment if you can, we do enough of that to ourselves with our minds. trust your therapist, they see more than they let on and don\'t lie about stuff like how we are progressing. gray areas are hard to find, but when you do, hold on tight.
hugs and puppy kisses
I don\'t mind at all. I put my journal out there for anyone to read and comment on. I appreciate peoples opinions on my situation.
I feel for you Pagan Spirit, has the negative spirit of the universe taken hold of you and you have lost touch with the light and positive spirit? I recommend doing nice things for yourself whatever they are for you. I\'ve just put some incense on and the smell lifts my mood. I also recommend nature photos, here are some that I would be interested on your opinion of: http://culture.viralnova.com/amazing-mirror-photographer/#.VGVVN7I_yG8 With the cutting does the remedy of hurting yourself a little bit like pinging your wrist with a rubber band and all those kind of non blood or bruise remedies help? I too know the release of emotional pain when you convert it into physical pain.
I\'ll offer some another link but understand if you have too much pain to look at it
http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/60-affirmations-support-you-through-meaningful-life-changes
I hear you about wondering if your therapist is telling the truth or just saying you made progress to keep you making appointments. It happened to me once and once I realised I was getting no benefit and thought seeing her was a waste of time and expensive bus fare then I stopped going. How do you feel about your therapist overall and before you fell into this slump?
I appreciate the links you shared, I will have to check them out. I think you are right, I should try to do nice things for myself. Unfortunately rubber bands, ice, etc. hasn\'t helped me. For me I have to bleed. Its a combination of the pain and the blood coming out is like the emotions that have been built up exiting me. Overall I do like my therapist but Im a pessimistic guy so naturally I will doubt things sometimes. Thank you for the comment.