internal battle

im so frustrated.  yday was a very difficult day.  in the morn saw ow number on the phone bill.  he called herand spoke for 30 min.  he says that he was in the park on a really cold night and was going 2 kill himself.  he had told me that b4 but he of course left out that he called her.  so we talk and i pushed him.  i wanted him 2 fight.  not fist fight but fight 4 our marriage.  and if hes not gonna fight 2 make this right, then we might as well file the papers.  im torn bet my own vows.  for better or worse.  this is worse,but is it the worst.  after all this what if theres more.  the Bible says 2 forgive 70 x 7.  i usually know what 2 do.  im nt sure here. i hear Gods voice.  I fl more peaceful, but i dont know what 2 do.  im trying 2 move very slowly so as not 2 make any rash decisions.  i let h sleep w/melast night.  hes bn sleepn downstairs.  i told him that he cant lie anymore.  i will deal w/whatever the truth is,but if u kp lying then i gotta assume that ur nt committed 2 this.  Gods telln me that u r His man, dont prove me wrong.  I have accepted another slight.  we tried 2 empathize with each other.  we're both scared.  God is not the orchestartor of fear.  we're going out friday for v day.  im gonna find a new dress and maybe some shoes.  curl my hair.  im thinkin of takn my weave out & getting a haircut.  im already tired of it.  wish id gotten a wig that i cld take off.  maybe ill go back 2 the chick and have her recurl it.  i have some silver high heels,but cant walk in them easily.  im gonna practice walking in them and find a red dress.  i have a great red coat.  im nt totally stuck on red,i just want a dress that will suit me.