Intern Clinician Woes & Grief

There’s NO rulebook to the clinician life. You make dumb mistakes being a rookie and feelings of shame from previous encounters. I have cried at least 40xs this month. Being a female is the "EXCUSE" I find myself using internally and apologizing "VERBALLY" for taking up space in certain places and spaces in my clinical. When in fact, I am hurt. I am hurt as "Person of Color" that I have so much shame in myself from being verbally abused by previous supervisors that deterred my career, where I had to restart my life (ALL) over again in state that I hate with a passion. I have struggled w/ the pandemic woes when my place of employment of 3 years had me make a choice of choosing them or interning to obtain my clinical hours: instead of working with me and supporting my decision to advance my career. I have been through hell, prior to making the decision to resign. We were furloughed from work last year June and everyone was able to collect unemployment in a timely fashion except for me. I fought for my unemployment every day and went without it until August/September. Unemployment refused to give it to me in a large sum and then cut me off in April. I was honest about taking employment back in my NJ home state and was informed to apply for benefits there after taking a seasonal position at Target. I did! I have not received 1 dime from NJ. I have taken shitty jobs that have demoralized me and given me less pay without pay. I have applied to more jobs than I can count. I have made a lot of sacrifices and have to pay for rent and tuition. My family have their own woes due to the pandemic. I am so close to graduating from grad school and starting anew, however, COVID has been the demon that has sucked the life out of me. I thought the demon was my father dying less than almost 3 years, which lead me to not to finish a year ago because he'd died the week, I started my first clinical experience February 2019. Now! I have a new demon. I need a sign of hope for financial stability to return and finish strong because (ALL) I feel is shame and disappointment every single week. And I know others are affected but there's no rulebook on how on the future with the pandemic. We have loss 30 friends and family members since this pandemic started too. I have decided to stay busy and "fake till I make it" and seek my own counseling and see if it alleviates feelings of hurt and more. I refuse to drop out of grad school when I have 8 more months to go. I just can't deal with the restless/ sleepless nights and worry about finances. I am eating one or two meals a day. I’ve asked my school, if they have grievance policies for hardships due to students struggling to make ends meet. UGH NO! I will not get any funding until semester, when I get ready to graduate. All, I want is to be a psychologist after this hurdle. The closer, I get to getting to my dream, the further pushback I get. It’s discouraging. I’m tired of fighting and just want BREAK”.