Interesting Night/Day... **TW**
Prior to taking my lab practical yesterday, I was all over the fucking place. I wrote the following in my journal, "I'm scared. Anxiety through the roof. Shaking. Nervous. About to break down in tears bc I am so scared. The practical. I just want it to be over with. This anxiety is killing me. I can't take. But I will deal. I always manage. I'm not going to run to anyone for help. I need to do it on my own. Thank goodness for Ativan. Maybe I will double it. And thank god for wine. That is going to be my dinner. A whole fucking bottle."
After the lab my mind was completely different than from before. I was ecstatic! Elated! Felt on top of the world. I could not of been happier. I sent an email to Joanna ASAP!! I also debated for a while wehther i should put in what i wrote prior to it. Yes...no...yes...no...yes, but take out the part of ativan and wine....no leave it in...not doing it...yes i should...she should know what really honestly went through my head...no she's going to say i'm crazy and just wanted attention for sending it...okay...sent it all.
Last night when i got home I was ready to treat myself to a drink and a great dinner. Poured my drink of choice (diet gin and tonic) and made a lovley dinner. Ate a ton- felt horrible afterwards but I knew I needed to because of earlier that day. Made myself another drink. Definely felt that. Between the two drinks, taking double my dose of ativan earlier, taking my bedtime meds WITH my drink....I should of known that I was doomed. Nope- thought did not cross my mind. As I look back now, I can't believe what I did or was about to do. Carlos went to bed but I wanted to finish my drink and the movie we were watching. After the movie was done, I heard thunder! There were storms outside- I LOVE storms. What did I do? Go on the balcony of course! So there I sat, in the rain, storms brewing all around me....and 6 floors below me. Yes the thought passed through my head. It was so easy. Right in front of me. I had the best chance ever. I even pictured how long it would take anyone to notice...and how they would find me. Where I would land. How I would land. I sat there for quite some time, letting my legs dangle between the rails. Carlos then called my name and had me go inside. All gone. No more thoughts.
Then I think you can probably guess how this morning was. Not good. I needed to be out of the house at 8am to drop a key off for another petsitter. That didn't happen. Carlos woke me up around 10. Fuck. I jumped out of bed and then realized I couldn't move. I could barely stand and my head was killing me. I told Carlos and asked him if this sounded like a hangover. He said, hell yes what do you think it is. Fuck...I had never had a hangover before. Dmanit. Showered. Dressed. walked out the door with two slices of bread. Drove my car to 7-11 to get gateorade and was then going to go on my merry little way. Nope. Couldn't. Had to go back home. Turned around and went home. Had some gaterade and then ran to the bathroom and puked. NOT ON PURPOSE. Cleaned my mouth and drank more gatorade and water. 1/2 hour later, puked again. Now this is not just a little here and there....this was like waterfalls coming out of my mouth. Decided to sit in the shower with the hot water pounding on my head...that is the only thing that makes my migraines feel better and this headache felt like one. Sat in there for an hour. Got out, dryed off and tried to lay down. Nope. Needed to shit. Went to the bathroom but then I had to puke. Fuck which is gonna come first. Puked...then major shit. Man I did not think I could possibly have ANYTHING in my system anymore. Clearly I was wrong. Now at this time my sister and mother arrived. Fuck- forgot about that. My sister scheduled meetings at three different bridal shops in the area. the plan was for them to bring lunch, us eat and then go shopping! Yesterday I finally convinced myself that it could be fun. So by the end of the day yesterday I was actually super excited!! Well they arrived and I was sitting like a bag of bones in the shower, drinking a gallon of gaterade and sitting under the scortching hot water as it rolled of my head.
After I heard Carlos let them in I got myself up and out of the shower. I made it as far as sitting on the carpet on the bathroom floor. My sister came in and asked me how I was feeling and what I wanted to do (while I heard my mom bitching out carlos for me being the way I was when I knew she was coming...and then started nagging on him for random shit like, why are you always sleeping. don't you ever do anything besides sleep. blah blah blah). I decided to suck it up and i would go to the first place in 30 minutes. 5 minutes later I told my sister I could not go. I went back in the shower. They left apparently. Eventually I got out again and dried off. Put a hot towel on my head and laid down on the couch to make everything go away. Eventually fell asleep. Then I got up and puked and shit again. So that was basically my pattern until about 1500 when I actually fell asleep in bed for an hour. Headache was gone! THANK THE FUCKING WORLD!
1900 Still shaking. Random parts are tingling and going numb. Frezzing yet sweating at times. Still very confused and am thinking veryyyyy slowly. Dizzy and very lightheaded. No more headache though! Have sweats then chills.
And I am completely fucked in regards to my eating disorder. Even with drinking 64oz of REGULAR caloric gatorade and eating (attempting to)....everything just came right back up and then down the toilet. I weighed myself after I got up and felt better this afternoon and my weight was only down 2lbs. Seriously, I thought it would of gone down more. Yes- you can say I am reallllly fucked up, and I'll admit to it, that even with all the shit i was feeling earlier (and still) I got pissed because my weight only went down a little bit?! Really...wow...
Well I just finished a large hoagie my mother and sister left for me and it's gonna stay down. I was actually starving for it. So I am not so sure how this is going to sit come therapy on tuesday. I mean...I can have more food tonight and then do well Sat, Sun, Mon...then I would think it's fine. I tried eating- it just didn't stay down.
I'm exahusted and so is my body. I am attempting to do laundry, but it's almost to difficult to walk down the hallway to the machines. I am doing it- but it's hard a shit. Crap now my lips are numb...wtf?! Ugh... SHIT now I just realized I enver took my meds this morning, well it's probably for the best considering I would of just puked it up. I will take tonihgts meds.
After the lab my mind was completely different than from before. I was ecstatic! Elated! Felt on top of the world. I could not of been happier. I sent an email to Joanna ASAP!! I also debated for a while wehther i should put in what i wrote prior to it. Yes...no...yes...no...yes, but take out the part of ativan and wine....no leave it in...not doing it...yes i should...she should know what really honestly went through my head...no she's going to say i'm crazy and just wanted attention for sending it...okay...sent it all.
Last night when i got home I was ready to treat myself to a drink and a great dinner. Poured my drink of choice (diet gin and tonic) and made a lovley dinner. Ate a ton- felt horrible afterwards but I knew I needed to because of earlier that day. Made myself another drink. Definely felt that. Between the two drinks, taking double my dose of ativan earlier, taking my bedtime meds WITH my drink....I should of known that I was doomed. Nope- thought did not cross my mind. As I look back now, I can't believe what I did or was about to do. Carlos went to bed but I wanted to finish my drink and the movie we were watching. After the movie was done, I heard thunder! There were storms outside- I LOVE storms. What did I do? Go on the balcony of course! So there I sat, in the rain, storms brewing all around me....and 6 floors below me. Yes the thought passed through my head. It was so easy. Right in front of me. I had the best chance ever. I even pictured how long it would take anyone to notice...and how they would find me. Where I would land. How I would land. I sat there for quite some time, letting my legs dangle between the rails. Carlos then called my name and had me go inside. All gone. No more thoughts.
Then I think you can probably guess how this morning was. Not good. I needed to be out of the house at 8am to drop a key off for another petsitter. That didn't happen. Carlos woke me up around 10. Fuck. I jumped out of bed and then realized I couldn't move. I could barely stand and my head was killing me. I told Carlos and asked him if this sounded like a hangover. He said, hell yes what do you think it is. Fuck...I had never had a hangover before. Dmanit. Showered. Dressed. walked out the door with two slices of bread. Drove my car to 7-11 to get gateorade and was then going to go on my merry little way. Nope. Couldn't. Had to go back home. Turned around and went home. Had some gaterade and then ran to the bathroom and puked. NOT ON PURPOSE. Cleaned my mouth and drank more gatorade and water. 1/2 hour later, puked again. Now this is not just a little here and there....this was like waterfalls coming out of my mouth. Decided to sit in the shower with the hot water pounding on my head...that is the only thing that makes my migraines feel better and this headache felt like one. Sat in there for an hour. Got out, dryed off and tried to lay down. Nope. Needed to shit. Went to the bathroom but then I had to puke. Fuck which is gonna come first. Puked...then major shit. Man I did not think I could possibly have ANYTHING in my system anymore. Clearly I was wrong. Now at this time my sister and mother arrived. Fuck- forgot about that. My sister scheduled meetings at three different bridal shops in the area. the plan was for them to bring lunch, us eat and then go shopping! Yesterday I finally convinced myself that it could be fun. So by the end of the day yesterday I was actually super excited!! Well they arrived and I was sitting like a bag of bones in the shower, drinking a gallon of gaterade and sitting under the scortching hot water as it rolled of my head.
After I heard Carlos let them in I got myself up and out of the shower. I made it as far as sitting on the carpet on the bathroom floor. My sister came in and asked me how I was feeling and what I wanted to do (while I heard my mom bitching out carlos for me being the way I was when I knew she was coming...and then started nagging on him for random shit like, why are you always sleeping. don't you ever do anything besides sleep. blah blah blah). I decided to suck it up and i would go to the first place in 30 minutes. 5 minutes later I told my sister I could not go. I went back in the shower. They left apparently. Eventually I got out again and dried off. Put a hot towel on my head and laid down on the couch to make everything go away. Eventually fell asleep. Then I got up and puked and shit again. So that was basically my pattern until about 1500 when I actually fell asleep in bed for an hour. Headache was gone! THANK THE FUCKING WORLD!
1900 Still shaking. Random parts are tingling and going numb. Frezzing yet sweating at times. Still very confused and am thinking veryyyyy slowly. Dizzy and very lightheaded. No more headache though! Have sweats then chills.
And I am completely fucked in regards to my eating disorder. Even with drinking 64oz of REGULAR caloric gatorade and eating (attempting to)....everything just came right back up and then down the toilet. I weighed myself after I got up and felt better this afternoon and my weight was only down 2lbs. Seriously, I thought it would of gone down more. Yes- you can say I am reallllly fucked up, and I'll admit to it, that even with all the shit i was feeling earlier (and still) I got pissed because my weight only went down a little bit?! Really...wow...
Well I just finished a large hoagie my mother and sister left for me and it's gonna stay down. I was actually starving for it. So I am not so sure how this is going to sit come therapy on tuesday. I mean...I can have more food tonight and then do well Sat, Sun, Mon...then I would think it's fine. I tried eating- it just didn't stay down.
I'm exahusted and so is my body. I am attempting to do laundry, but it's almost to difficult to walk down the hallway to the machines. I am doing it- but it's hard a shit. Crap now my lips are numb...wtf?! Ugh... SHIT now I just realized I enver took my meds this morning, well it's probably for the best considering I would of just puked it up. I will take tonihgts meds.
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