Interesting Infomation

At the moment I am struggling with problems in remodeling the kitchen. It seems I am feeling a time pressure, when there isn't one. I have about four weeks before I get my license. The problem is the cabinet doors; I had to begin the process over yesterday since the way I did it Monday had the doors much darker than the cabinets they go on, and less glossy. So now I've retraced the steps that I painted the cabinets and will use the same conditions I used for when I did the cabinets. I hope it works. 
The point is my anxieties, and how upset I am feeling; and how I was in a much better mood a week or two ago. The struggle is in learning to apply my choices again. it actually makes it a good learning opportunity. Before I get started, let me go back to my last post with Vickie. For those who want peace, I am struck by the belief some have that controlling outer-peace will bring them inner-peace and they will spend a great deal of energy in trying to control the outer world instead of controlling their inner world. (I'm guilty of that right now too. However, I am working on how to apply the principles to myself again, right now.) 
I did some re-reading this morning and came across some interesting connections that may describe some hidden, or unconscious, beliefs; it relates anger to depression.
Anger is a natural reaction to loss. Anger at a person or thing for a loss, and anger at God; and then not forgiving others, God, and one's self for being the cause of the anger. It amounts to holding a grudge more than one day, for the assumed loss. And, it suggests that I may have an inability to forgive myself for not having "perfect foresight". The expectation of needing "perfect foresight" comes from ruminating how one self's mistakes may have contributed to the loss and blaming the self for failing to have psychic abilities (like I have suggested in my notes before). The point is that anger is a natural response to a loss; and how that anger is expressed without hurting others, or blaming them, that is important.
It moves on to say, just like in human development texts, that we imprint on the behaviors of our parents and that they comestimes punish us for sharing or anger at our disappointment (and we typically learn to express our anger from them by watching them; especially the same-sex parent). Our parents may heve taught us to repress our anger, which means to remove it from conscious awareness. It's there, we just don't "see" it. Then we learned to feel ashamed for having that (natural) anger; and shame is guilt. When we shared our anger at two or three or four, we may have been rejected or punished, by our parents, who were our authority figures. We call and feel this pent-up anger now as "frustration".
Part of the problem is being held to rigid standards of our parents, which can make us obsessive, and compulsive, as adults. If the child is not forgiven for mistakes, such as assigning cause for their feelings to others, as an adult they may become very obediant and submissive. and the time-frame for these obsessive people is always the "future", not the present. The child feels that they "cannot make a mistake" because they feel they will never be forgiven (by the parent who holds a grudge against them for being angry. The parent, in turn, feels angry and guilty for not being "a perfect parent", and refuses to forgive the agregious attack on their "lack of perfection", which is also repressed.).
The false guilt is in the Superego, and stems back to those childhood days where the superego was developed in too rigid expectations and stadards imposed by the parents. "Parents who excessively blame, condem, judge, and accuse their children when they fail to match up to their expectations cause them to grow up with a warped idea of what appropriate standards are."
The point is: this leads to feelings of excessive control, of everything. That they feel guilty for any mistake, and therefore they cannot make any mistakes. They will not be forgiven, and therefore cannot forgive themselves for not being able to control being forgiven. Control becomes the issue.
What is really important for me, here, is that these are all irrational beliefs that were adopted that can been re-vised and corrected. I needed to read this so that I can follow the logic. The "need" for perfection is to control feeling guilty for being angry for making a mistake with the prospect that I will not be forgiven BY OTHERS!!! THAT'S the CO-DEPENDENCY part. Forgiving MYSELF is the point, and not depending on some imagined authority figure to forgive me for my natural feelings. Once again it is a threat to my authentic self in that I was expected to be "someone else" than who I naturally was.   
Learning to forgive myself for my "mistakes" before I end the go to sleep seems to be a prudent good habit and practice to start doing now.