inspiring words
so much in life that happens, so much you cannot control, why? so much in life thats around us that isnt what we want to see. society plays us. it really does. how do we cope with our own difficulties when society is degrading us? when society is making people frown upon us? how is it possible for us, to handle and accept our flaws, our sickness, when theres few people whom actually support us?
well lucky for me, i have some supportive people. with the right support, ive gone off my meds (without doctor approval i might add), i didnt go through withdrawl, i didnt suffer even though i stopped them cold turkey. ive been off them almost two months. the doctor found out when i had been off them a month, gave me a prescription to go back on them. but i have not picked that prescription up yet. why should i have to? i dont want it. though i have to see doctor quack again on september 17th and hell have expected me to be back on them by now, for a month. and it just hasnt happened yet. though i do have a good reason for not going to get them yet, i just got over being sick for two weeks. with what the doctor (not quack) thought to be mono and she was probably right. im not one hundred percent yet, but i am doing much better. so i didnt go and get the precription when i was supposed to. and now that i am pretty well better, i have no real excuse for not going to get them yet. other then the fact that i DONT WANT them. why should i have to take something i dont want? when clearly im doing alright without them, clearly with the right supports (the boyfriend). without him i would still be on meds, and still probably be a wreck. but im not. not a wreck, not on meds. hell havent even been to counseling in almost two months. probably about two months and thats because i had moved, to a new city, a couple hours away fro my last place i was living. and i havent set up everythin i need to set up here but i seem to be doing okay without those supports seem to be doing okay.
hell when i was in the hospital, the doctor, quack, didnt even tell me what he THOUGHT my diagnosis was, i was diagnosed by a different psych doc in 2010 with bipolar 2 disorder, and yes i believe thats my diagnosis. but this quack, who i have now, thinks it might not be bipolar. said theres definatly a mood disorder, maybe bipolar but also i have borderline traits which when i googled it, it shows as Borderline Personality Disorder which also makes alot of sense. but when i was in the hospital and asked what he thought my diagnois was, after him telling me he was unsure of my previous diagnosis, he said "dont worry about it" well fuck, im 19 years old, not 12. and i wanted to know, and did i find out? freaking right i did. well seeing him august 13th (recently) he told me my diagnosis which is what i said above. (borderline traits and mood disorder). well he didnt tell me voluntairly. he told me because i ASKED. its the only way he ever tells me anything, if it even works then. hes a quack, in all honestly.
he just pushes drugs on me. just one, thats a mood stabelizer thats all i was taking for my illness. but he doesnt seem to care that i DONT want them. he seems to think the only way i can lead a happy "normal" life is to be medicated all my life. what about when i want kids? i have to go off them then. and he doesnt seem to realize im doing ok without them as it is, yes i have my bad days. and yes there worse then the average persons "bad" day. but ive handled it so far. i was undiagnosed, and living with it for four years (all through high school) unmedicated. it was hell yes. i started cutting, started hurtng myself in any way. suppressed all m emotions, feelings, except for anger, because i could not suppress that one, i just blew up from time to time. but no one knew anything, every one thought i was this "happy go lucky girl" as my mom called it. but no, i wasnt. and there were a FEW people that knew about me. about the truth. and it was only the few that i really really trusted.
well im done here for now, just felt like babling on, not sure where i was even going with all this. other then society needs to back off (haha yeah right), and let us live, and we need good supports in our lives in order to keep going, in order to survive, to manage. but also, that we CAN do it. everyone can. its hard, but it can be done. BE STRONG. TRY. and KEEP GOING.
thats all i have to say for now :)
well lucky for me, i have some supportive people. with the right support, ive gone off my meds (without doctor approval i might add), i didnt go through withdrawl, i didnt suffer even though i stopped them cold turkey. ive been off them almost two months. the doctor found out when i had been off them a month, gave me a prescription to go back on them. but i have not picked that prescription up yet. why should i have to? i dont want it. though i have to see doctor quack again on september 17th and hell have expected me to be back on them by now, for a month. and it just hasnt happened yet. though i do have a good reason for not going to get them yet, i just got over being sick for two weeks. with what the doctor (not quack) thought to be mono and she was probably right. im not one hundred percent yet, but i am doing much better. so i didnt go and get the precription when i was supposed to. and now that i am pretty well better, i have no real excuse for not going to get them yet. other then the fact that i DONT WANT them. why should i have to take something i dont want? when clearly im doing alright without them, clearly with the right supports (the boyfriend). without him i would still be on meds, and still probably be a wreck. but im not. not a wreck, not on meds. hell havent even been to counseling in almost two months. probably about two months and thats because i had moved, to a new city, a couple hours away fro my last place i was living. and i havent set up everythin i need to set up here but i seem to be doing okay without those supports seem to be doing okay.
hell when i was in the hospital, the doctor, quack, didnt even tell me what he THOUGHT my diagnosis was, i was diagnosed by a different psych doc in 2010 with bipolar 2 disorder, and yes i believe thats my diagnosis. but this quack, who i have now, thinks it might not be bipolar. said theres definatly a mood disorder, maybe bipolar but also i have borderline traits which when i googled it, it shows as Borderline Personality Disorder which also makes alot of sense. but when i was in the hospital and asked what he thought my diagnois was, after him telling me he was unsure of my previous diagnosis, he said "dont worry about it" well fuck, im 19 years old, not 12. and i wanted to know, and did i find out? freaking right i did. well seeing him august 13th (recently) he told me my diagnosis which is what i said above. (borderline traits and mood disorder). well he didnt tell me voluntairly. he told me because i ASKED. its the only way he ever tells me anything, if it even works then. hes a quack, in all honestly.
he just pushes drugs on me. just one, thats a mood stabelizer thats all i was taking for my illness. but he doesnt seem to care that i DONT want them. he seems to think the only way i can lead a happy "normal" life is to be medicated all my life. what about when i want kids? i have to go off them then. and he doesnt seem to realize im doing ok without them as it is, yes i have my bad days. and yes there worse then the average persons "bad" day. but ive handled it so far. i was undiagnosed, and living with it for four years (all through high school) unmedicated. it was hell yes. i started cutting, started hurtng myself in any way. suppressed all m emotions, feelings, except for anger, because i could not suppress that one, i just blew up from time to time. but no one knew anything, every one thought i was this "happy go lucky girl" as my mom called it. but no, i wasnt. and there were a FEW people that knew about me. about the truth. and it was only the few that i really really trusted.
well im done here for now, just felt like babling on, not sure where i was even going with all this. other then society needs to back off (haha yeah right), and let us live, and we need good supports in our lives in order to keep going, in order to survive, to manage. but also, that we CAN do it. everyone can. its hard, but it can be done. BE STRONG. TRY. and KEEP GOING.
thats all i have to say for now :)
Replies