Inspired by Joanie, again!
Once again I am writing a journal inspired by Joanie. I read her last journal and went to a website she suggested Momastery...the first article that popped up for me, ironically, or not, was about suicide...about breathing through each day and trying not to worry about how it's all going to work out. Then the author recommended another website which I visited, Writing Love On Her Arms, which appears totally dedicated to suicide prevention.
This doesn't affect me only because of my daughter, although that is the most precious and sacred...but also myself. I never expected to outlive Cassi. It was a fearful thing to love a being as much as I loved her because I worried about losing her. I knew I would not survive, but me dying wasn't what scared me the most, what scared me was those few minutes I would have to feel the pain before I could get to a gun and join her. I was terrified of those minutes...now it's over 2 1/2 years later. I have read your posts about times when you came to the point that you made a decision if you wanted to live...honestly, I still haven't made that decision. Honestly, I still have a plan B. I have held onto hope that there is still a purpose to my life...it feels amazing when something I say touches someone...but I keep my plan B safely tucked away in my mind like a security blanket, in case the pain gets too bad. So it isn't a coincidence that I read Joanie's journal, that the websites I visited seemed to speak directly to me...offering not just hope that things might be okay but faith that they will be.
Again, and again, and again...thank you Joanie.
Replies
No coincidence there. I agree. I am going to check out Glennon and Momastery too tomorrow. Wishing you peace...♡ Linda
Dearest Gina, I am so touched that something I felt the nudge to share has led you to find additional support and that you feel as if it could have been written just for you.
Making that decision whether to stay or whether to go comes to each of us in different moments and perhaps having that security blanket of a Plan B is what is keeping you here now. I'm not sure any of us imagined we could ever survive such a horrible loss and yet here we are in this moment together.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart and just trying to do the next right thing however that might look and feel.
XO Joanie
No coincidence! You were meant to discover these writings and allow them to soak into your spirit. I am beyond grateful to have JJ in my life too. She has lead me to many truths, cried with me, cursed with me, kick my butt when needed, and continuously offers a "heart with ears". And to think I once told Barbara I just didn't see me and a minister being friends, LOL! Thank God for the "low rent" ministers of the world! They are the ones who truly make a difference!
Loving you and Cassi today and always my sweet friend!
You were meant to be here @ this time, reading those articles. What a blessing, Joanie is and how her heart comes through and directs us to a path for healing/ comfort/ and love. I'm so happy, you are always reading, always searching, always here. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
You are doing great, Gina! You acknowledge the "mountains" in your life, and then slowly work through each one. I believe that Cassi is with you, helping you achieve what you never thought you could do!
Loving hugs!! xxx
I think we all have stood on the edge and thought that "if it got too bad.."
I remember thinking that in the early days of my grief, but then knew that this was not for me...
I did not want anyone to feel as I did...my other children, husband, mother, sisters, friends...I did not want them to have the pain and unanswered questions, and most importantly, I did not want them to somehow feel guilt for preventing it...my child did not die by suicide, but his passing still left me with guilt....was I a good enough mother? maybe if I had not been a single parent for so long that maybe he would have learned things that a man would have taught him,..if I had made more money, he would have been in college instead of working to get money to go to the college he wanted to,,,maybe if I had taken that job in San Diego we would not have lived there and it would have changed the future's course....maybe...
I am so glad that you found comfort in the message sent to you by our Joanie...
Love u, Ann