inside myself......

here i am.  another day.  rise slowly, but does that matter?  that i rise slow?......should the focus be I rose to a new dawn? 

despite it all I rise.

listening to the morning bird song......sweet and ......sweet and melodic.  truly lovely.  another day.

my thoughts have been a little fast, with a focus on wrongs.  done to me.  not good to be in this spell of words and doubt, hurts and loss.  how to push away from it.  i know the alone is swallowing me up.  the no best friend in real life is eating me alive.  not having a mate......a good man by my side.  i made my peace with being on my own a long time ago.  but there are days when i still wish for that certain someone.  and for the delight of good friends nearby.

i am so tired.  a chant that never changes......i close my eyes for a moment and drink in this sameness of exhaustion.  if someone told me this would be my future life in my twenties could i have prevented this today?  made different choices that would alter the landscape?  perhaps, perhaps, perhaps........but it does no good, changes nothing.

so where am i?  who and what am i?  beyond the self pity, who is left?  can i do better beyond my own imagination?  i spoke to an old friend yesterday.......we've never met, we rarely speak, but we share a link built on being friends til the end.........friends who connect with others living alone.  this does not leave out those with partners, not at all.  it is about those who have limited access to life due to all manner of situations........health, tragedy, trauma......pain, fatigue......fear.  all manner......

still so tired.  i almost want to do things on that mental list of to do stuff.....almost, but not enough to put on work clothes, grab a mop or a broom......not enough for that.  almost want to go through my closet and weed out the things i haven't worn in the last year.  almost........can't even decide if it's worth the energy loss to carry them upstairs as they are already on hangers and slide them into a closet......or fold them into box and stick them in the garage.  simple decisions, a chore that would take an hour or two today and rob me of less pain for the doing.

the birds still sing.....i put my hair into a ponytail .......so far my big moment of getting ready for this day.  not much......haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth......i just want to close my eyes and listen to the quiet conversation going on in the background of Bluebloods.  then wake up and start this day yet again. 

i remember being 17......and writing into my journal:

"I am too young to be so old,

A life cast in stone

Mired in pain and imperfection".

Written the fall after the rape......and yet I rose beyond that pain, that degradation........lived beyond the pain of attempted suicide.....realized when I woke up in the hospital that if God had spared me God MUST have a purpose for my life beyond my own tumultuous feelings.  The reason to go on was to just go on........not give up.  Try again......from minute to minute and day to day.

Now at 63 I find myself again caught up in the search......to focus on, to find reasons to go on, to never give up.......to keep being a part of life.......as long as God grants me breath, I am to find the strength to love each breath of air he gifts me with......sigh, I am still so tired.  But not without hope.