Inner growth from honesty

Spring is in the air and I'm feeling an urge to grow, move on, engage in life. I believe in focusing on the positive, not denial, just returning to an optimistic outlook. Success is achieved easier from that state of mind. And besides, it feels better. We have all been kicked down, hurt, betrayed, dishonored, or worse. That is the past, inflicted upon us by someone that didn't deserve us...Didn't deserve me. I'm not anything super fantastic in looks, smarts, fun, abilities... But I still matter and deserve to be treated with respect and love, just as I treat others. Spring is stimulating a new sort of nesting feeling, one that starts internally and is radiating outward. I feel hopeful, that anything is possible so long as I remain true to me. That is, not indulge in negative thoughts that I'm not good enough, don't have enough, will never amount to much. I am perfect just as I am and will continue to develop into "better" over time being true to me. It seems that the more I let go of the past, forgive (and that is hard), I make space inside for more self-love and hope. So, one plan to test all this is to figure out how to be a home owner. I lost all in the divorce. Even my furniture including the kid's own trundle beds. I mean, REALLY? Yet, there are loans for people in my situation. So I went looking at homes yesterday with a Realtor friend. Found one I am in love with so very much, my heart purred the entire time there. I refuse to say, "Oh I can't afford it." I said instead, I wonder how I can afford this? How can I make this happen? How can I LET this happen?" I set an appt with a mortgage lender with a fine reputation of helping folks who were kicked down finically. Mine was through a cruel divorce. So what? He can have all that "dirty" money he hid to choke the life out of me and our kids. I will make my own money, create my own life, live in a home again of my choice. I will make it happen. And right now, I don't need to know how. I just need the belief in myself and loving support from my own heart. This divorce has taught me one main thing: I never allowed anyone to love me because I didn't believe I was worthwhile. So I picked accordingly and found men who, of course, didn't love me. It is not all his fault when I was the one that chose that man or allowed him in my life. He is wrong for his cruelty for sure. I choose to be personally responsible for my life, my happiness, and promise now to find love within. It starts inside. Solitude has become a soothing friend in my life, one I resisted with all my might. Solitude recharges, redirects. It is up to me to find a compass like Captain Jack Sparrow, one that always points toward what I want most. It is an honesty compass, true real honesty. The truth is, I am responsible for my life. And solitude is healing, not scary or something horrible to avoid. How long have I lied to myself? Oh my. Spring is certainly stirring some deep roots. Those green shoots of life are about to pop through the soil.