inmy head &little lies

in my head....

i think if i sit for awhile i can rise and do a list of things i have planned in my head.

not today.

definitely not today.

some, ok, all not even.

big sigh........exhale & rest

i want to bring the two yellow chairs from the back patio around to the front yard.  this also means dragging the two red chairs (in the front yard) to live somewhere else.  they are not very heavy, but i can only do one chair at a time.  so 4 chairs times wonky = not now, not later today as i had hoped.

i bagged up the trash, took it to the curb and felt forehead pressure, swollen glands, ear pain, slight sore throat......achy body, going from cold to hot & hot to chilly.  bleckkkkkkkkk. pressure in my tummy......feels like it's overly stretched somehow, which creates an ache i can't ignore.

ugh.

my neck & shoulders are so stiff.......different quadrants in my brain are complaining.  bing bong bing........whazzzzup.

......maybe tomorrow lady.  stop stressin'.  put my tennies on so i'd be solid walking the trash down and they hurt......fibro in my feet cause of the shoe pressure, fibro in my mouth cause food hurts the soft palette interior.  freaky stuff.  mouth is so dry, but the color is nice & pink.  a good thing.  hold on to that list of good things sparrow.

.......what lie did i tell today?  head down, feel schmuckly about it.  i didn't want to have to say for the second time to mary ann and beverly that i couldn't go on the gadabouts trip cause i'm sick.  i get scared that if i say i'm sick too often to people who rarely get sick that they won't believe me or they won't want me around .....they'll see me as a flaky never goes as promised kind of girl instead of i want to go so much/jealous that i can't......tomorrows trip is heading south to the home of The Fried Green Tomatoes Restaurant.  One of the famous characters in that movie shares my actual name.....random true fact.

maybe instead i can go to church tomorrow to help out with a project for two hours or maybe instead i can go to the ice cream social at church sunday night.  maybe maybe maybe.......

the dentist appt went well, they did the second fitting and said it will be another three weeks until it's ready.  they didn't get the information about the amount of time it takes to do this right......i hope going forward they will for other patients who need one of these partial dentures.  they told me it takes three weeks to make the device.  but ummmmm no......it will be a month and a half based on real time.....at least that long if nothing else crops up.

sooooo i told the ladies i had to do something else and can't go......i told a very specific lie.  it's bad to tell lies.......its' hard to always be honest when you have chronic disease.  i don't like to tell lies, and yes i feel like a schlemeal when i do........but i've dealt with this stuff for a long time and i find that a lot of people would rather hear a lie than to hear that i can't go again because i am sick again......i've been through that ring of fire many many times over the years.

i've dealt with people being upset/angry/with them feeling like i was dissing them or ignoring them or just plain being rude when all i was being was honest and sadly sick.  to sick to hang/be social.......keep up with the cool kids.  that's what told me to reshape the truth to ease things along.......

i'm trying to decide between top ramen and hot tea.......my extremities are chilly......specially my feet.  i hope something good is on that will keep me outta my head tonight til i can sleep sleep.

it's gonna be alright........shhhhh, be still and silent.  seek quiet, put a blankie over your self and thank the Lord above that you have a tidy comfy nest to sink into.  in all give things find the things that you can give daily thanks for.  xoxoxo. love u more......