in touch with my feelings but need to find my inner strength

For some reason today I found myself in touch with my feelings in a new and spastic way (every day serves up new juju

but I couldn't process it) and so then I was very much

affected by them. I got home from the office, and felt very skittish about being there

and then too being here at home on my own. I couldn't make sense of why I just couldn't muster

the courage to be there at the office alone. Well by force of reality I had no choice and so I did

it, I did my work and then left. Then I came home and again I felt the 'lonely desperado' feeling as I thought of walking to the

bakery for a coffee. Yes little things like that were a challenge..but then I set out by trying to just appreciate nature

on the gardeny path to the bakery which seemed like my answer to deal - and I just did it. And then came back.

Sitting here at home, again, I was thinking about going to the gym - as suggested by my Pop -

I started to feel that 'all alone' feeling and reticence to brave the waves of other people at the gym

and it is a heat wave as well...So maybe not so good, I didn't go, I told my Pop I would. I opted to stick around the house and eat a snack. The gym would

have been, and I will go there at some point, a great therapy for my 'stuff' which gets the better of me at times

(as you guys know - and going to the gym is truly a great therapy.) Sitting here, though and eating veggies and watching BBC news I just felt overwhelmed again - like I couldn't

champion anything about my day...and then I thought about work tomorrow and started to falter and ....anyways - the 'woe desparado' moments just made me recall a conversation I had a long time ago...where someone asked me to 'muster the inner strength' to get through something...it was around the time my Mom passed..it helped me then - and so I thought about that and

then decided I could muster the inner strength to get through today. No big challenges no big pressure - but even so I needed to just 'muster the inner strength.' Weird and but so it goes. I know what I have left to do today

and I'll do it. :-) Writing this is helping me sort it all out. I wish I could call my therapist but I've left a message for her already today. LOL. I have questions I wish I could posit to her. Anyways, so it goes. I'll try and write about it in my offline journal.