in spirit

I went to work this morning. Did a good job. Got very very tired about half hour after I started

but kept pushing myself as the need always be... My mind can be very absent at times - and my boss

laughs about my lack of brain power at times but I kept going. It is something I just kind of need to accept.

So..I kept going and felt I had some social

problems just with meeting minds with people who I was working with and customers I was helping too.

I kind of just decided to put on my humble hat. I was thinking about relationships I'd like to have there

and I can get kind of weird and obsessive about relationships

at times - at least it seems that way to me ...and i saw this in myself and I said to myself you're weird stop it :) - and then just enjoyed connecting with

people as I could in friendship and harmony. Going to work and working with people (adults) reminds me of how much I want

face to face adult relationships but so it goes... my family and my best friend 45 minutes away is all I have

- you can't rush new friendships and you can't always get what you want.

But if you try real hard.. oh nevermind lol - I mean what part of me is reasoning-  is the trying to be ok

with it all .....as well as am I going for it?

Anyways, in spirit the day and the tasks carried me along. A customer was kind of weird with me for some reason

but I decided to continue on being pleasant. I know sometimes I try to make myself bullet proof when working,

fortified in grace and alacrity, but it was kind of an unconciousness in a way and it can blind me to the reality of

the dynamics at hand ...so today after the customer was

weird with me I just realized we all have a 'way of being' in the world. That's kind of where 'we connect with each other' as well. 

I came home and thought about where I am in the world - where I like to be in the world and am I arranging my world

to give myself that which I want..actively!!???

It's a pretty important idea because so often to get along in life I have been powering myself down to sit dutifully

and carefully with respect to all the pressures I am putting on folks and respecting my financial viability.

But that doesn't really give me energy to create the life I want...does that make sense? Since we've all got a way to be in the world - while at work - AND at home. Why not give myself when at home those things I want or that give energy to me. It's an interesting idea....again because so often there's been kind of an instinctual reaction to power myself down - like under my own thumb - so that I don't put a foot wrong in life. Maybe outside of work there is a way I'd like to see myself in the world...and that's ok if it's gives energy as well as good health. I'm seeing we kind of promote our way of being in life at work- and then subsequently do the same when we get out of work- that just may be though some issue that needs cognition and addressing.

I think I can do better for myself at the moment, while still keeping a lid on responsibilities and daily management.