a long day. lots of phone calls, very limited sense of satisfaction.
then i think about me, that i've become this intense, frustrated, angry......sick person. and boring to boot. i can't remember the last time one of my kids wanted to have a long talk with me. on the phone they always pull the plug, they are in a check out line, going through a drive through window.......have another call coming in. but there is always a big early exit sign hanging over any and all kid calls. busy, of course they are.
will i ever deserve some long periods of time with them to connect and talk about it all? ever? before heaven i mean?
a girl can dream.......
i was so cold that i hit the showers, that hot water is a real God send. feel almost human now that the blood is pumping! lately i get so cold, earlier this morning i was in that half awake/half asleep state and shivering with cold. when i really woke the next time i was still shivering, it hadn't been a dream at all......i was too wonky to rise and add another blanket. reynaud's comes and goes with me, it was gone for a long time, but i wonder if it's back en force because i move so much less? seems like a practical thought to me......
got the first epidural scheduled today, they can take me in on August 2nd. so far away.........the EMG should be approved in the next day or so, then Heidi will take me what I have to pay for my part of this test. The internet says the cost goes anywhere from $175 - $500........this test cost overall has to be much lower than say the MRI's I just had, wouldn't you think?
i remember breakfast, had some nuked leftovers......then i was out until mid day.....slept hard too. you'd think after a long time of hard sleep i'd be functioning better but no. nyet.......nein.......not at all.
right now i'm making a small steak. yup, been on a real protein bender lately. craving MEAT! and making another small baked potato. protein and the mighty potato:
The potato's fiber, potassium, vitamin C, and vitamin B6 content, coupled with its lack of cholesterol, all support heart health. Potatoes contain significant amounts of fiber. Fiber helps lower the total amount of cholesterol in the blood, thereby decreasing the risk of heart disease. Thank you Google!
Maybe some apple sauce or pears? hmmmmmm. hungry and ready to eat! sigh, it's still cooking, gotta be patient.
the dentist isn't until Wednesday, my brain was planning for me to go tomorrow, so i called the pharmacy and asked them to hold onto my blood thinners until that day........got to make every trip count!
they pinky swore that they would, yay walgreens!
finally got through to my brothers nursing home, all they can tell me is that he is in stable condition. i didn't realize that my sister didn't add any of the rest of us to the contacts list. busy or not that is messed up. the only two people that are currently allowed to receive pertinent info is my sister and my brother's long ago former girlfriend who no longer wants to be in the loop. she cares about Dan but she can't be his person any longer, not in that way. they haven't dated in decades, so she has been more than generous helping our brother and helping us as well. my sister was a little ticked off and i asked her if she should be the care taker for a boy she dated in high school.........then the light bulb went off. mercy...........
still got a short fuse, don't expect it will get any better until i feel some pain relief. between my back and neck and fibro pain i'm not a very soft cushiony friendly person, i'm kin to the porcupine and maybe some sharks. pointy, spiny, crabby and mean........but my teeth aren't sharp enough to hurt........my patience is fairly shot. ok even i hear me, i'm a miserable wretch until further notice. move on self, sit there tonight until you can count ten blessings and pray in gratitude for all you do have, all you can do!
yes, ma'am, will do.......i have to yell at me and put me in my place, i have to comfort me and self soothe.........i have to lighten up and chill........
Replies
Ruthie, I'm sorry I don't remember hearing about Daniel needing to be in a nursing home. Can you tell me more? I'll pray for him! I hope you are added on to his list of people who are able to get information. I have a sibling who only calls me on her way to somewhere ... it's hard not to feel like I'm being squeezed into her busy schedule . I'm sorry your kids seem to be in that same mode.