In Home Basketball, Setting Goals and Other IMP. Matters.
Hi......
Combating brain in overdrive/feeling2much blues. You ever do that? Your thoughts start spinning and then you feel sad/bummed out? I didn't like it. I know I can succumb.......sometimes I do. Stuff gets to us and without even trying, it turns into a pity party table for one.
There are times to grieve, times to mourn......today I felt the need to take action. I teamed up with my good 'ol rolling chair, dragged the trash bin over, opened the frig & started playing BASKETBALL. Slam dunked stuff into the trash, set up great shots, from the kitchen free throw line and at half court! (nothing hit the floor, sweet!) Listened to that satisfying sound of thunking and crashing into the trash bin hoop......no net, just RIM! With every thing I tossed in that bin, I tossed some weighty negative thoughts & hurt. I played a good game.......racked up a lot of points in very short order. Pretty soon I felt like whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown!"
A woman in Dallas opened a business called "The Anger Room." For $75 one can go in & smash anything from plates to tvs to old cars to who laid it! They give you protective gear, let you swing away til you feel better. I just saved $75 by creating a positive spin on anger room purge time. For me the hurt/depression comes when this little pacifist brews rage without release. We gotta get it out. We gotta.
I started reading a book by a dr........a very nice man, it's something like "How to Deal With the Big Stuff".........apparently he had already covered "Not to Sweat the Small Stuff" in previous books. So far the main premise is to ask yourself, "One year from today, will this matter?"
I thought about the dentist office situation for example. I can insist on being right.......and in life there absolutely are times to do that. But equally as important there are times to let go. This is hard.........hard for anyone, for all of us at times. When to stand your ground, when to let it go.......when to forgive, when to choose love. One woman spoke of how love, priorities come into view......how it was so clear and evident on September 11, 2001. Not to make light in any way of what our nation, what families suffered......but on that day, no one involved was calling their stockbroker. No one was fussing about a customer service issue. Thoughts focused on what is most important, their loved ones........love was the focus.
We all make so many choices/decisions on any given day. We all need to pick & choose our battles. I think isolation has revved up my injustice gland. I don't want to be a victim or a martyr. I don't need to fight every fight either. I need to aim for some middle ground.........sort things out, decide the best way to deal with issues daily. If/when I can't.......choose to get help. Right now I think it would be wise for me to talk to someone, a therapist......to help me recalibrate. I don't like this mental emotional wonkiness. No one, with the biggest finger pointed at me,no one is perfect. We are all flawed imperfect.......amazing delightful surprising, screwy, zany human beings.
I often think if I had more live friends to interact with the way I used to.........not to mention the satisfaction spent resolving issues when I still worked........I tend to think that if I felt more empowered, more needed, more engaged in life live with people daily it would help. I need goals and a good sense of reality To keep learning how to live my life as it is today. Not dwell on the past. Last night I prayed for God to help me let go of the hurt/pain/loss again over some longtime close friends. To take it away, to give me greater maturity to handle it.
So about the dentist office - there are options. I can shut my mouth & keep going there. I can call 1-800-Dentist - search for another office. I can wait and see. I can write a letter to them and simply tear it up......I can send it - I can stop going there. I have choices. My biggest small problem is how to really and truly let it go. (the dentist, Joe, my rheumy, old friends, or limited interaction with loved ones, setting doable goals) Sometimes I feel misunderstood, overlooked, lost, stuck in the shadows.
It is good to step back, observe and see where we're at. When I don't, I lose my balance.
Right now I view being alone so much as a problem. I see the hardship it brings, I wonder how others would handle it.......I've shared a lot about this with ya'll........I wonder if my kids for example would have a deeper appreciation for how I'm doing if they lived it. (I don't wish it on ANYONE, but sometimes I WONDER) I'm not sure how long it takes to come to terms with this lifestyle. To then get past coming to terms, to embrace and flourish in this life as it is. To let go of old norms, old thinking.......to truly be happy exactly the way I am. It's a great goal...........gotta keep the journey and the human spirit fresh, rejuvenated.......alive.
Joy negates a lot of the hurdles for me. If I have joy, hope........a twinkle in my eye, laughter never too far behind I can handle EVERYTHING so much better. Within this life, this walk of faith, I gotta keep reinforcing the foundation, keep seeking ways to live in the moment.
Health is important. A year from now what I choose and decide NOW matters. This is just one example. I think that I need to revisit my 2010 goals. To create a life support team in care of this journey. If a health care practitioner is in care of my goals let's keep going. If they are not supportive, listening, helpful - then open a new door.
Don't struggle for a protracted period of time, fussing and fuming. It is not healthy, it does additional damage. Protecting the spirit is huge, without it how do we find the joy? Wrap up a day with a sense of peace so we can rest?
We all know that every day is not going to be some jolly holiday. We do.......we're all grown ups here.......OK, LOL, I like embracing second childhood actively, but overall I try for grown up. I try to gain in maturity as I go through life. One of ya'll recently told me that I showed a lot of class to hug Joe at church the other day. In the suddenness of that moment I accepted his hug. It's been bugging me all week. (sorry I got all this stupid honesty going on......forgive me for being so candid.)
During what ended up being the last half hour he spent at my home, I stood chatting with his two helpers outside. Joe was in the living room talking to Sara.......then he was yelling.....and yelling and yelling. He stormed out, veins sticking out on his forehead, red, flushed, fuming......ordered the men to get in his truck and he burned rubber going down my driveway. (long black skidding tire marks) That was what? December 2011 - in the days that followed my daughter and I finished painting doors & other details Joe was paid to do. Seeing Joe again was surreal. Joe verbally assaulted my daughter. I wanted to have it out with this bully. I respected her request to leave it alone. Seeing him has made it hard all over again.
I want to be classy........I struggle with a strong sense of right & wrong. All is not well with Joe. I'm not a therapist.......I am the Momma Bear - he was in the wrong that day. Joe seems to be missing some very important character traits. Big sigh..........gotta hand this over to you again Lord.
(did you ever watch the scene with Linda Hunt in Kindergarten Cop? ......Arnold S. played a cop who was teaching Kindergarten undercover........one day he ended up punching an abusive parent, after discovering the little boy covered in bruises........later in the Superintendent's office Linda's character gives him what for for using his fist........but then she asks him how it felt to punch the guy.........he was kind of startled, but then he saw something in her eyes...... and told her that it felt great..........followed by tiny little Linda Hunt's character practicing her own knockout punch in the air..............I don't really want to hit anyone, I just want to pretend to on TV.........)
But I'm supposed to remain calm.......cool and collected. Be in care of my health issues.
I'm thinking about seeking some therapy to brainstorm, sort through stuff and to find focus. Help to keep in forward thinking mode...........help to keep letting go once I think I've let go.........LOL.
Then at the rheumy, despite the screwed up visit........she did share the lab results and I am slip sliding health wise. The labs could mean that I'm in serious danger of another big battle with blood clots.......I've already battled clots in my leg twice and had embolisms in my lungs. Blood pressure was too high.......infection levels are high. It could mean anything from needing to be on blood thinners for life to a diagnosis of another condition.......from some type of blood disorder to some type of heart condition. The doc ordered me to be calm, to be still and quiet, not to dwell on worry or problems.
So I'm going to begin by asking the question........"One year from today, what will really matter?
Combating brain in overdrive/feeling2much blues. You ever do that? Your thoughts start spinning and then you feel sad/bummed out? I didn't like it. I know I can succumb.......sometimes I do. Stuff gets to us and without even trying, it turns into a pity party table for one.
There are times to grieve, times to mourn......today I felt the need to take action. I teamed up with my good 'ol rolling chair, dragged the trash bin over, opened the frig & started playing BASKETBALL. Slam dunked stuff into the trash, set up great shots, from the kitchen free throw line and at half court! (nothing hit the floor, sweet!) Listened to that satisfying sound of thunking and crashing into the trash bin hoop......no net, just RIM! With every thing I tossed in that bin, I tossed some weighty negative thoughts & hurt. I played a good game.......racked up a lot of points in very short order. Pretty soon I felt like whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown!"
A woman in Dallas opened a business called "The Anger Room." For $75 one can go in & smash anything from plates to tvs to old cars to who laid it! They give you protective gear, let you swing away til you feel better. I just saved $75 by creating a positive spin on anger room purge time. For me the hurt/depression comes when this little pacifist brews rage without release. We gotta get it out. We gotta.
I started reading a book by a dr........a very nice man, it's something like "How to Deal With the Big Stuff".........apparently he had already covered "Not to Sweat the Small Stuff" in previous books. So far the main premise is to ask yourself, "One year from today, will this matter?"
I thought about the dentist office situation for example. I can insist on being right.......and in life there absolutely are times to do that. But equally as important there are times to let go. This is hard.........hard for anyone, for all of us at times. When to stand your ground, when to let it go.......when to forgive, when to choose love. One woman spoke of how love, priorities come into view......how it was so clear and evident on September 11, 2001. Not to make light in any way of what our nation, what families suffered......but on that day, no one involved was calling their stockbroker. No one was fussing about a customer service issue. Thoughts focused on what is most important, their loved ones........love was the focus.
We all make so many choices/decisions on any given day. We all need to pick & choose our battles. I think isolation has revved up my injustice gland. I don't want to be a victim or a martyr. I don't need to fight every fight either. I need to aim for some middle ground.........sort things out, decide the best way to deal with issues daily. If/when I can't.......choose to get help. Right now I think it would be wise for me to talk to someone, a therapist......to help me recalibrate. I don't like this mental emotional wonkiness. No one, with the biggest finger pointed at me,no one is perfect. We are all flawed imperfect.......amazing delightful surprising, screwy, zany human beings.
I often think if I had more live friends to interact with the way I used to.........not to mention the satisfaction spent resolving issues when I still worked........I tend to think that if I felt more empowered, more needed, more engaged in life live with people daily it would help. I need goals and a good sense of reality To keep learning how to live my life as it is today. Not dwell on the past. Last night I prayed for God to help me let go of the hurt/pain/loss again over some longtime close friends. To take it away, to give me greater maturity to handle it.
So about the dentist office - there are options. I can shut my mouth & keep going there. I can call 1-800-Dentist - search for another office. I can wait and see. I can write a letter to them and simply tear it up......I can send it - I can stop going there. I have choices. My biggest small problem is how to really and truly let it go. (the dentist, Joe, my rheumy, old friends, or limited interaction with loved ones, setting doable goals) Sometimes I feel misunderstood, overlooked, lost, stuck in the shadows.
It is good to step back, observe and see where we're at. When I don't, I lose my balance.
Right now I view being alone so much as a problem. I see the hardship it brings, I wonder how others would handle it.......I've shared a lot about this with ya'll........I wonder if my kids for example would have a deeper appreciation for how I'm doing if they lived it. (I don't wish it on ANYONE, but sometimes I WONDER) I'm not sure how long it takes to come to terms with this lifestyle. To then get past coming to terms, to embrace and flourish in this life as it is. To let go of old norms, old thinking.......to truly be happy exactly the way I am. It's a great goal...........gotta keep the journey and the human spirit fresh, rejuvenated.......alive.
Joy negates a lot of the hurdles for me. If I have joy, hope........a twinkle in my eye, laughter never too far behind I can handle EVERYTHING so much better. Within this life, this walk of faith, I gotta keep reinforcing the foundation, keep seeking ways to live in the moment.
Health is important. A year from now what I choose and decide NOW matters. This is just one example. I think that I need to revisit my 2010 goals. To create a life support team in care of this journey. If a health care practitioner is in care of my goals let's keep going. If they are not supportive, listening, helpful - then open a new door.
Don't struggle for a protracted period of time, fussing and fuming. It is not healthy, it does additional damage. Protecting the spirit is huge, without it how do we find the joy? Wrap up a day with a sense of peace so we can rest?
We all know that every day is not going to be some jolly holiday. We do.......we're all grown ups here.......OK, LOL, I like embracing second childhood actively, but overall I try for grown up. I try to gain in maturity as I go through life. One of ya'll recently told me that I showed a lot of class to hug Joe at church the other day. In the suddenness of that moment I accepted his hug. It's been bugging me all week. (sorry I got all this stupid honesty going on......forgive me for being so candid.)
During what ended up being the last half hour he spent at my home, I stood chatting with his two helpers outside. Joe was in the living room talking to Sara.......then he was yelling.....and yelling and yelling. He stormed out, veins sticking out on his forehead, red, flushed, fuming......ordered the men to get in his truck and he burned rubber going down my driveway. (long black skidding tire marks) That was what? December 2011 - in the days that followed my daughter and I finished painting doors & other details Joe was paid to do. Seeing Joe again was surreal. Joe verbally assaulted my daughter. I wanted to have it out with this bully. I respected her request to leave it alone. Seeing him has made it hard all over again.
I want to be classy........I struggle with a strong sense of right & wrong. All is not well with Joe. I'm not a therapist.......I am the Momma Bear - he was in the wrong that day. Joe seems to be missing some very important character traits. Big sigh..........gotta hand this over to you again Lord.
(did you ever watch the scene with Linda Hunt in Kindergarten Cop? ......Arnold S. played a cop who was teaching Kindergarten undercover........one day he ended up punching an abusive parent, after discovering the little boy covered in bruises........later in the Superintendent's office Linda's character gives him what for for using his fist........but then she asks him how it felt to punch the guy.........he was kind of startled, but then he saw something in her eyes...... and told her that it felt great..........followed by tiny little Linda Hunt's character practicing her own knockout punch in the air..............I don't really want to hit anyone, I just want to pretend to on TV.........)
But I'm supposed to remain calm.......cool and collected. Be in care of my health issues.
I'm thinking about seeking some therapy to brainstorm, sort through stuff and to find focus. Help to keep in forward thinking mode...........help to keep letting go once I think I've let go.........LOL.
Then at the rheumy, despite the screwed up visit........she did share the lab results and I am slip sliding health wise. The labs could mean that I'm in serious danger of another big battle with blood clots.......I've already battled clots in my leg twice and had embolisms in my lungs. Blood pressure was too high.......infection levels are high. It could mean anything from needing to be on blood thinners for life to a diagnosis of another condition.......from some type of blood disorder to some type of heart condition. The doc ordered me to be calm, to be still and quiet, not to dwell on worry or problems.
So I'm going to begin by asking the question........"One year from today, what will really matter?
Replies
Wow, this is a jam packed post. Living alone being ill is hard. I have that issue also. I hope your health improves. I beliee there is room for im provement in everyone\'s health if they go to the RIGHT practitioner and their care is coordinated. Do all your doctors know what the others are doing?
Therapy can be helpful for coming to terms with stuff.
Love and Hugs,
Flowers.
Yes, jam packed. I feel swayed this way and that too. Getting angry doesn\'t help us one bit, sadly. haha. I hope you can keep those clots away dear. I like to ask that question too. Will this issue matter in one week, in one month, in one year... when I die? Usually not. Still hard to find that balance. Hugs my friend.
Oh Ruthie, you have such a way with words....please don\'t ever stop saying it like it is. I hope you come back to this journal a yr from now and read it as though you are the therapist, and my guess is that you will gain a whole lot of insight into one so many cherish as a friend!
You are loved
Therapy sounds like a great idea! I only stopped cuz I ran out of money! My therapist had me doing something very much like your kitchen rage therapy!! I go to my patio, take all the cushions off all the chairs, and just start heaving them across the yard! They are lightweight and it doesn\'t hurt to throw them! The problem with the CFS is, that this is aerobic activity and most often ends me in bed for days....weeks. So as much as I wish I could nerf bat this whole house, to get out the rage......I simply am denied this priviledge by my illness. Don\'t that just beat all??? Can\'t help myself. Nobody else can do it for me.....so where does that leave me? Sitting here reading about what others do with their anger! To manage it!!! ??? I really like the idea of SITTING down and then throwing stuff. Great idea, Ruthie!
You said so much of what I think all the time in this journal today. What will matter next year? Which battles are worth taking on with so little strength? How many \"Joes\" are eating us up inside because we have no energy to resolve \"bad things\" so we \"stuff\" them, and it comes out in bad ways on our health.
It\'s not like we don\'t know that we\'re sick. We know we can\'t deal with this lonliness. We know many people in our past/present/future with healthy bodies and wonderful kids. It\'s almost hard to look at it and not \"covet\". But honestly, who doesn\'t want to do better in life? To mange things better?? To be able to take a walk!!!!! ??? There\'s nothing wrong with a good anger vent. We all share that anger WITH you and are so glad you brought it up.
I could go destroy my patio, right now! No problem. I even have a helpful husband that would understand and clean up after me.
But I wont. Not today. I\'ll take a nap.......I\'ll pray for you. That is the most important and productive thing for me to do....and next year at this time, I will be glad I made that choice.
Love you so much, Ruthie!
I really agree with you about picking and choosing our battles, and determining what will matter in a day, a week, a month, or a year. It has really helped me to sort things out and be calmer about some things that really are non-issues. But then there are the things we really need to vent about, because in not doing so we will just have our minds spin out of control until we can get it out. So it can sometimes be a bit of a delicate balance~~but I really feel that both things (appropriately picking and choosing battles, and also properly venting) are very necessary.
Regarding your health~~I will keep you in my prayers. I, too, have had DVT\'s and a PE~~terrifying beyond belief, and definitely no fun. I am a lifer on Warfarin as I was diagnosed with APS (AntiPhospholipid Syndrome). I really hope your MD figures out what is going on so you will never have to suffer through such things again.
I really like how you share your posts~~just like we are having a conversation. They are filled with lots of stuff~~similar to the way it would be if we sat down and chatted. I hope you are feeling better soon. Blessings, peace, good health and hugs to you!
Serce,your writing and expressing what you feel and think is beautiful. Here you have said so many things that I connect with and share in with you,but have trouble putting it all into words.
Its not easy to live alone,to have chronic illness I agree. The flip side is that in some ways it keeps you sharp and thinking. Therapy is one healthy supportive way to help you get clear about what you want and need to do.
I think you have an excellent foundation already.I have said this about D,and so many other friends here on DS,nothing can diminish who You are.Growth is never ending. Your a living breathing human being and you have needs that need tendin to. I am working on like you letting go of old angers/hurts/resentments as well. Not easy,..I wish you all the best in regards to health issues that you are facing. That good people come your way to aid and assist you as you live your Own life. Being independent is not easy but worthwhile. Hugs/Compassion xo
Oh forgot to add,I absolutely loved how you cleaned your fridge and used that as a metaphor for what you needed and thought about your life.
I am glad that u read ur journal. I relate to the isolation to a degree and the first year of RA/ CFS I was housebound, angry, weak, sick, angry, confused, angry, lost, frustration.. di dI mention Angry? I still deal w/ anger. I now take something.. like platic bat, belt, or something not threatening.. put the dogs outside .. and beat the CRAP ouf the end of the bed while letting out my anger verbally. It really helps. Sometimes I get in the car a SCREAM.... did that just the other day. I have been in an anger room. They are AMAZING. The walls were covered and I thew clay pigeons and the sound of the CRASH was Very satisfying... But the Dallas women shld call her place the \"Releasing Room\".. \"Anger Room\" holds too negative of a theme... but what an amazing idea. I used one when I was in therapy years ago. Now I beat the end of the bed. LOL
To clean out clutter in my home is emotional cleansing to me as well. Yes. I love the release of things that no longer matter to me and I no longer use. I take lots of stuff to Goodwill or resale shop.
Isolation... so hard on us gregarious humans. Do u skype? I wld love to skype w/ you... let me know if you would like to ... I bought my equipment for next to nothing at WAlMart. But modern computers come w/ the built in camera and mic. I luv to skype.... it is nice. I wld love to meet. I\'m glad ... the question \"will this matter one year from now?\" IS SO IMPORTANT. We all need to ask ourselves that... Much much luv.
Well. Wow. Not much that I can add other than we are all mixed up, challenged, interesting, complicated, unique, different, screwed-up, weird people. Healthy or not, we\'re all dealing with choices about battles to pick or let go, things to do, say, feel or not. We are all the same yet vastly different.
When I read about your therapy idea, and the challenges of living on your own I thought \'Ruthie should set up a group here on DS\' and you can share, swap, vent, laugh about your \'living alone\' worlds. Whaddya think?
Many live with others but live alone too so you\'re not alone but I get what you\'re saying.
Talk about the best \'clean out the frig\' therapy session ever! My DH is going away Sunday (maybe I can do this with the crap in the garage?)... LOL
You are an amazing teacher and writer and from your friends comments above, I know how much you help us all, in our weird lil lives, make things relevant. You\'re a master at this. I hope you know this.
\"One year from today, what will really matter? \" I am going to take that quote and stick it on my fridge, don\'t worry I will credit YOU as the author. :-) very wise words that we can all learn from. You know I may just come over and join you in that fridge emptying basketball game of yours, sounds like a great stress relief remedy. Therapy? I think you just invented your own form of therapy there, how much you gonna charge? Lol