In hell
I cannot breathe, I cannot focus, I cannot think of anything other than my baby, fear overwhelms me. This didnt really happen I keep saying but it did!I hurt so bad. My stomach is in knots. Time has just stopped. I want to puke, I want to die. Im so exhausted, it takes so much effort just to breathe. I want to run away. I am in hell. I find myself with every muscle in my body tensed up. I am a strong willed person, why cannot I not will myself better. I am so broken.
I NEED my Marissa to live again.
I NEED my Marissa to live again.
Replies
Everything you mention is so much part of the beginning. Some Mom\'s experience some more than others. If you can acknowledge the many physical and emotional experiences and realize that they are normal experiences when you are faced with the death of a child, it may allow the experience to be somewhat gentler than fighting or willing yourself to be something you aren\'t able to right now.
I have only just moved into the 3rd year of being without my son. I continue to experience, although much gentler and less often now, not being able to breathe, shaking so bad I\'m vibrating, not being able to focus or simply remember things I should. I call the shortness of breath and fear and knot in my stomach my panic attacks. Now I can acknowledge that my lack of coping ability triggers these any time, any where, any how. But each passes. I had to learn to be gentle with myself. Trying to force myself through only amplified the experience in a negative way. Some days, I did not move off my couch. I continue to have the odd day like this but I am also able to experience gentler days too.
We are all here, scream, cry, get angry, spit, swear, vomit or whatever you need to do. Journal, journal and journal. One breath at a time, sometimes, that\'s as good as today gets.
Gentlest of hugs,
Merrilee
Oh my dear. Merrilee is right. You describe what most of us have experienced, and still do. We as women tend to think that we should be able to be Wonderwoman and just go on as if nothing much has happened. We want to be the strong ones and help others. Yet we are the ones that hurt the most.
It just doesn\'t work that way. Be gentle with yourself; and as Merrilee said, feel free to express those feeling in whatever way you need to - yell, scream, swear, and even spit and vomit - whatever works. I found that I needed to let the feelings out. I cried every day, several times a day - I tried to hide it from my husband because I didn\'t want to hurt him. He did share with me that he knew that I did. I still cry often. The emotion builds up and I need an outlet. I still yell and scream and throw things from time to time, when I am alone.
Everyone has to find their own way. Counseling works for a lot of moms, and medications help too. I am not advocating medicating but I was treated for depression before Lisa died and needed to have my meds reassessed and increased. They did not take the pain away, and I cried and cried, but I was able to think a bit more clearly. And journalling has helped immensely. You can say whatever you want here and trust that you will be understood. As I said, what worked for me may not work for you but it is something for you to think about.
I wish I could be there to give you real hugs and cry with you.
Love and tight hugs for you and Marissa.
Marlene
Your feelings are so very normal...we have all been there and know exact;y what you are feeling. I could have written this journal myself. Just keep writing and getting it all out. Be kind and gentle yo yourself...take care of YOU. Walking right beside you holding your hand the whole way...Hugs, Ann
Understanding as only another mother can the mosh pit of every feeling, emotion and the deep anguish and sorrow...
You are not alone and this is the ultimate loss. I\'m not sure how it happens, but somehow each of us learns how to carry it. You are learning that too even though you don\'t want to, I know. I didn\'t either, yet I\'m not special and I\'m still here six plus years later and you will survive this just as I have and all the other moms on FMO.
Together, we are inching along on this path.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) of gentle care,
XO Joanie
You are right this feels like hell. Now we have to survive it so that we can honor our children. Getting your feelings out is a wonderful help and we all so understand. Wishing you some peace today, Kathy
We understand what you\'re feeling and we\'ve all felt the same. Cry when you need to. Scream if that helps. Know that you have this community of Moms here who understand. Mostly, be gentle with yourself during these early days. We walk with you hand in hand. Heart to heart.
Gari
Please keep writing me.....I have thought about you so much this week. I was feeling the same way just 2 months ago. I still have my horrible moments. You will be okay and you have all of our support.
Chris