In Durango

We arrived in Durango last night around 11:00pm and we went straight to a bar for a drink. For some reason I feel very weird. I really opened up to my dad last night while driving the car. He was reassuring on most points but not on all, I think that he was just tired. Yet again I have not told him about my debt, but I am now really looking for a job here in Denver. I am looking for one in an easy and laid back area. I am applying at Safeway, Walgreens, and the Marriott International.I would really life to get the job at the Marriott. I am going to return some of my clothes to REI and I have stopped spending funds I don't have.  I hope that I am going to be alright. Last night when we were driving we tapped on suicide a couple of times. Dad told me that life was a gift and that it is to be taken well. But, I tired to test him by telling him that I am more of a burden to my parents and family then I can realize and that justifies suicidal actions. I must ask myself what is my life worth? Especially with my debt and my medical condition, am I worth being alive? I am so out of it right now, I think that I am going to take my second dose of xanax. Hopefully that will kick in soon. My dad and I are going to eat dinner at my brother's restaurant, he is working the bar tonight so we are going to sit there and have some great steak. Tomorrow Luke is off all day so we are going to hang out during the day and at some point go to the Indian casinos that are about 30 minutes from Durango. I am simply tired now it must be the depression and the 8 different medications that I have been taking. I don't know what it working and what is just making me more agitated... especially when I am trying to sleep. I have been losing sleep because I simply cannot become comfortable. Next Thursday my mom is going in for a knee replacement. She is going to need help from me for over a week. Her sister is not coming and her brother is too selfish to come and stay. It is kinda difficult to think about moving back in for a short period of time because she is the one who asked me to leave in the first place. It was extremely hurtful and made me feel unwanted or undesired. I can't be put under these weird pressures because I will become more anxious and suicidal. Furthermore, I have a test in Macroeconomics on November 3rd and my birthday is on November 8th. I don't know what else. My dad has been sleeping all afternoon and it's almost five. We are going to dinner at seven. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I am so confused. So confused!  On a completely different note the show "White Collar" premiers it's pilot this evening. I am recording it at home so when I get back from Durango I can watch it. I think that is is going to be a great show, it is getting so much press. Ok I am getting tired of writing I will talk tomorrow!